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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to defend daughter from bullying husband?

69 replies

KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 00:03

Firstly I must say my DH is a good man, very hard worker and provider ( no you have not timewarped to 1950’s). We live in a rural area, I am SAHM, he works full time plus other job and p/t farmer. We have three children 11,9 and 7. Great kids, no issues apart from usual sibling niggling. In the past year or so my husband has become excessively hard on our eldest daughter. She is a strong minded girl who quite often drives us round the twist but is a beautiful girl with a kind soul. I am guilty myself of losing the plot with her and the younger ones when they are on a mission to drive us crazy but my husband seems to shout at her for sometimes a given reason which if the other two do the same thing elicits no reaction or for no reason at all. His response to her for even the most normal question is terse at best and for the two younger ones is gentle and reasonable. I had enough tonight. I questioned him as to why he behaves like this. I didn’t lose my temper which is unusual ( hold it in and let it blow kind of person) and told him he was in danger of losing his daughter piece by piece if he keeps treating her like this. She has been in tears so many times asking me why Daddy is angry with her all the time. He is now asleep upstairs and more than likely won’t talk to me for a few days but I refuse to feel guilty for standing up for my girl. Just need some thoughts. Every angle welcome. All I want is for my three to be treated equally.

OP posts:

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 12/12/2018 00:06

He's not really a 'good man' is he? He intimidates his child and gives you the cold shoulder when he is challenged about his behaviour. Does he want to change?

category12 · 12/12/2018 00:10

He doesn't sound like a good man if he gives you the silent treatment and picks on his eldest dd.

FadedRed · 12/12/2018 00:10

more than likely won’t talk to me for a few days but I refuse to feel guilty
He sounds like a nasty, sulky bully. OK when you and the children do what you’re told, but a bully if opposed, Which will happen more as the children get older and voice their own opinions. Sorry, Op, but you did ask.

TheFaerieQueene · 12/12/2018 00:16

Why do people trot out the same old bloody chestnut, he’s a good man or a great father and then go on to describe a bastard? Open your eyes and protect your daughter fgs.

Original poster

KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 00:16

I honestly don’t know. I am hoping that given time to think about things he might become more aware of how he treats each of the children but I just don’t know. Tis the season of goodwill after all 😂

OP posts:

theworldistoosmall · 12/12/2018 00:19

Good men don't let children cry.
Good men don't sulk and avoid conversations.
Good men are not manipulative.
Good men don't bully those around him to obey them.
Good men are supportive.

Children push it's what they do. They push boundaries. It's normal. They don't remain compliant forever.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 12/12/2018 00:19

But you didn't defend her in front of her, did you?! My STBXH can be an arse to our DC and won't stand for it. I will defend them WHEN he is being horrid. They deserve to know that I will always look out for them, even if its against their own father.

Original poster

KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 00:24

The thing is he is a good man when it comes to everyone else. He is the man neighbours call on when when they need a helping hand, tow out the ditch etc and he is the most laidback person, Whatever! is going to be on his gravestone! But if I criticise he huffs. I used to get upset but now ignore, acting as if nothing has happened. I carry on as normal and he eventually comes round.

OP posts:

M4J4 · 12/12/2018 00:25

I hope those those laughing tears are ironic OP as there's nothing funny here. Your DH is abusive to both you and dd. The silent treatment is emotional abuse designed to keep you in your place. You'll find yourself excusing more and more of his behaviour and treading on eggshells in order not to trigger a few days of silent treatment. And your dds will learn to do the same.

kittencatmeow · 12/12/2018 00:26

I've been the kid... with one parent defending me against the other and whilst I did need that... it didn't come close to stopping the damage.

The parent who did it to me... did not do it with awareness or on purpose, it was a dynamic that continued through history until me who hopes I've broken the cycle. I try to forgive but the damage is still there iyswim

Nice people... are still capable of emotional abuse. I hope your DH can listen to you and not sulk without taking things on board... or this will end in huge problems for her. I didn't come out unscathed- I have had severe MH problems and live with OCD I could probably link back to this dynamic

Original poster

KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 00:27

I did defend her. As soon as I heard him start I was there. They all heard. I needed her to hear I was there for her.

OP posts:

Veterinari · 12/12/2018 00:27

So he just gets sulky when challenged by women/girls?
He’s a misogynist.

jessstan2 · 12/12/2018 00:29

He doesn't sound very nice at all, playing 'favourites'. You were quite right to stick up for your girl but, more important, is getting to the bottom of why he is so particularly hard on the eldest. Is it because she is the eldest and he expects more of her? I don't know but she is only eleven, poor kid.

Original poster

KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 00:35

Thank you for your reply. I just want to look after my girl x

OP posts:

M4J4 · 12/12/2018 00:36

I needed her to hear I was there for her.

But what about what she needs?

category12 · 12/12/2018 00:37

But if I criticise he huffs. I used to get upset but now ignore, acting as if nothing has happened. I carry on as normal and he eventually comes round.

Does he do anything differently after these episodes? What you challenged him about - does he continue to do whatever it is? Or are you back at square one?

It's a really unhealthy dynamic, and it really doesn't matter how good he is with other people if he treats the ones he's supposed to love like crap.

OkPedro · 12/12/2018 00:38

Oh op don't let this continue
Although your dd heard you defend her, your H isn't going to listen.
He ignores you for a few days? I'd be furious and tell him he needs to leave and think if he's bothered about his family or just himself.
Ny niece had his treatment from her step father. Your daughter and other children are your priority

MattFreisCheekyDimples · 12/12/2018 00:43

In the past year or so my husband has become excessively hard on our eldest daughter.

Is there a clue in this?^^ He doesn't sound to me like a classic bullying parent in as much as this is a new development, something has changed. Is he having difficulty with the fact that she's approaching puberty and no longer his little girl anymore but starting to be her own person, with all the power struggles that implies? Can you talk to him about his feelings around this? Perhaps if he understands why he's behaving like this he'll be better able to nip it in the bud.

Willow2017 · 12/12/2018 00:48

He is ignoring you because he doesnt care for your opinion.
He doesnt want to know He is being unreasonable towards his dd.
He doesnt want to.change.

You need to protect your dd by stopping his behaviour now and if he won't listen you have to decide who is more important.

It doesnt matter what 'face' he puts on to the outside world. The only thing that matters is how he treats you and your kids and frankly its crap.

M4J4 · 12/12/2018 00:52

But if I criticise he huffs. I used to get upset but now ignore, acting as if nothing has happened. I carry on as normal and he eventually comes round.

You are doing right by ignoring him but it still takes its tolls. Ime, it's death by a thousand small cuts.

TheSandgroper · 12/12/2018 00:55

Op, I feel your pain. Dh is the kindest man alive, adores and is adored by dd. But, he grew up with brothers and works in a male dominated field.

I completely lost my sociability with him and did it on his terms. He was sitting so I stood over him, bulged my eyes and growled loudly and I didn’t stop until I said everything I wanted to say.

He went to a psych for counselling and his treatment of both of us has improved immensely. It saved our marriage. He still has to learn about how girls grow but he will be growing with her so it won’t be easy. But he now knows and is trying.

I am rambling but I hope you got the gist. Good luck.

Shriek · 12/12/2018 01:01

You have identified that he's a bully. Bullying a child is despicable. Men that bully often don't ever treat outsiders like this, they are all meek and mild or respectful and call themselves easy going and are frankly very deluded as clearly he is far from 'easygoing' he's a bully means hes a bully. Sulking is also part of the toolkit to punish you. Very glad to hear you ignore it.

Stand up for her and stop it happening its breaking her.

GonzoFlyingProducts · 12/12/2018 01:02

A different vibe...

I'm a father and whether your husband is a 'good man' or not I can have a pretty good guess at what might be happening.

Little girls turn 11 and suddenly they are no longer 'little girls'. They get bumps in their jumpers and it becomes obvious to their fathers that they will soon be (blink of an eye) young women.

Look at the endless number of threads on here about mothers struggling to cope with teenage sons who they can't seem to understand - who they seem to endlessly bathe with - it's not easy when your kids suddenly stop actually being kids.

Some men cope better with this than others. Some women too. My daughter is almost 15 and she's got a (sort of) boyfriend, she has a few drinks now and then, she goes to parties where a LOT of temptation is on offer and I (hope) that I cope with it pretty well - but I worry about her !!!! She's my little girl after all - only she's Not anymore - and that is an adjustment...

Your husband can see his 'little girl' growing into a young woman and he probably wants to make as sure as he can that she stays on the 'straight and narrow' - doesn't end up pregnant at 15 and shot gun married to the farmers lad down the lane... Essentially this is all well intentioned but it may be that he is boiling up a load of stuff inside him that he's massively overly worrying about for no reason. All this stuff is (for no fault of hers) because of her and he's over focusing on her.

Not good - but normal.
However, I have to echo the "he may not talk to me for a few days" thing - that can't be healthy in any family...

Maybe talk to him about the reality of growing up as a girl (he will know NOTHING about this) and pre-warn him that actually girls like sex, like drinking, like flirting , like parties, are not made of glass and paper and that he WILL have to cope with it all in the near future as little girl inevitably becomes young woman in 2018.

I hope he truly is a 'good man' but if he's going to be a good father to your daughter he's going to have to give her some space to grow in all directions.
He can be her best mate at home, he can be her "go to guy' for help and advice on so many things. Perhaps you, or someone you know just needs to tell him to learn to let go a bit...

GonzoFlyingProducts · 12/12/2018 01:03

endlessly bathe with
*endlessly battle with

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2018 01:20

A good man does not bully and terrorize an 11 year old girl. The damage he is doing to her self-worth and self-esteem is incalculable.

I grew up with a girl who was treated exactly like this by her father, and even 40 years later, she has never recovered. No amount of therapy has ever helped her because it can't touch the fact that your own father hates, resents, and thinks so little of you.

How can you possibly sit by and allow this abuse?

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