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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to defend daughter from bullying husband?

69 replies

KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 00:03

Firstly I must say my DH is a good man, very hard worker and provider ( no you have not timewarped to 1950’s). We live in a rural area, I am SAHM, he works full time plus other job and p/t farmer. We have three children 11,9 and 7. Great kids, no issues apart from usual sibling niggling. In the past year or so my husband has become excessively hard on our eldest daughter. She is a strong minded girl who quite often drives us round the twist but is a beautiful girl with a kind soul. I am guilty myself of losing the plot with her and the younger ones when they are on a mission to drive us crazy but my husband seems to shout at her for sometimes a given reason which if the other two do the same thing elicits no reaction or for no reason at all. His response to her for even the most normal question is terse at best and for the two younger ones is gentle and reasonable. I had enough tonight. I questioned him as to why he behaves like this. I didn’t lose my temper which is unusual ( hold it in and let it blow kind of person) and told him he was in danger of losing his daughter piece by piece if he keeps treating her like this. She has been in tears so many times asking me why Daddy is angry with her all the time. He is now asleep upstairs and more than likely won’t talk to me for a few days but I refuse to feel guilty for standing up for my girl. Just need some thoughts. Every angle welcome. All I want is for my three to be treated equally.

OP posts:

ItsalmostSummer · 12/12/2018 03:53

Oh my gosh you need to protect your kids from men like this as they grow older. And it starts with being firm with their dad. He’s abusive and not a good man. I hope this is fake as someone who pretends and helps their neighbours as he does but sulks and abuses his family is a loser. That’s not the nice man in society. He’s got problems. I definitely want you to tell him to leave as this will screw your kids up for life. Your choice OP.

Blondebakingmumma · 12/12/2018 07:00

Sounds like he gives you the cold shoulder as a form of punishment for stepping out of line to challenge him. What a horrible bully. Take care of yourself and your beautiful daughter

M4J4 · 12/12/2018 07:10

I can have a pretty good guess at what might be happening.

Ah here comes the mansplaining.

Little girls turn 11 and suddenly they are no longer 'little girls'. They get bumps in their jumpers and it becomes obvious to their fathers that they will soon be (blink of an eye) young women.

Re-read the OP, Gonzo. Your guess is way off-beam because fathers who love their daughters do not always respond tersely to normal questions from their dds.

my husband seems to shout at her for sometimes a given reason which if the other two do the same thing elicits no reaction or for no reason at all. His response to her for even the most normal question is terse at best and for the two younger ones is gentle and reasonable

Look at the endless number of threads on here about mothers struggling to cope with teenage sons

The only threads I've seen is when mums can't cope with their abusive or drug-taking teens. That is very different to a 11yo asking her dad questions and being treated differently than her siblings.

flumpybear · 12/12/2018 07:17

Something has got to change immediately. If he really is this good man and us currently stressed and it's just a case of him realising she's just a child and he needs to nurture and care for her that's one thing - but NO MORE EXCUSES your baby needs support Feom both of you, if he can't do that he can do one!

If he is just bullying her because he can't control himself not to then he needs to go

elaudi · 12/12/2018 07:22

Just giving some ideas from my angle. My father was really harsh on me, much more than for my two other sisters. I don't think of my dad as a bad man, and definitely someone good actually but struggling with lots of issues. I am now an adult and I have been able to process all this.
He was only talking to me to give me reproaches about stuff I did or didn't do; as I was (still am) very proud and stubborn, it always ended in crazy fights. And you are right to talk to him about that, because when you're daughter will be a teenager it might get ugly.

My father was having a bad depression, and anger was is way of expressing it. I also believe I was the main target because I was very strong-minded (my sister would sit on his knees and ask him whatever she wanted- i wouldn't) and because I reminded him a lot of himself. We are so similar, that perhaps it was his hate of himself that made him resent me.
It's just an idea from my own experience, maybe you can ask your husband about his relationship to your daughter; for sure it's really hard to grow up believing your father thinks you're worthless or whatever.

good luck with that!

Pachyderm1 · 12/12/2018 07:28

Tell him very clearly that if he doesn’t make immediate changes to his behaviour you will leave him.

Bunbunbunny · 12/12/2018 08:46

Guarantee your DH will treat you DD the same way as you. I do think onset of puberty can affect parents, in my case it was my mother. The way she treated me changed overnight and she started buying me boys clothes that were way to big and she started giving me the silent treatment.

She’d being doing that to my DF for years and let her get away with it. I’m non contact with her and I do have a lot of anger towards my DF for letting her get away with treating him like it as it didn’t stop her doing it to me.

Your DH is vile, he’s a bully and he will end up doing serious damage to your DD. She’s 11 ffs, she is so young to have that started on her.

People should also back off Gonzo, he was just offering an opinion from a dads prospective. Yes bumps wasn’t the best word but maybe he didn’t feel comfortable saying breasts. Everyone just zoomed in on the one word instead of reading the rest of his comment.

90mammasophie · 12/12/2018 11:10

You did the right thing!!
Thank you for standing up for your daughter. This is very upsetting.
Yes kids need discipline, but not bullying.
Alarm bells would be ringing for me - I would monitor his behaviour very closely.

((Btw- working hard does not equate to being a 'good man')) Treating children with kindness, care and respect is important. DD is fast approaching a tricky age, you don't want to alienate her from the family.

OldBean2 · 12/12/2018 19:00

My father was like this, he could not cope with his children growing up. I stopped speaking to him when I was 16, for me it was liberating and I saw what he did to my brothers and sister and decided I would not put up with that.

Thank you for telling him like it is, I wish my mum had been brave enough, and in later life she told me she wished she had been brave enough to do it, too.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/12/2018 19:05

Just a couple of thoughts

Would he go to family counselling? At least with the eldest and you? It will affect the whole family if she is treated differently. Nobody will he happy.

Could he just be very short tempered at the moment from exhaustion? Working full time plus another job plus the farm. While you don't work. Could you suggest you pick up some slack here and give him time to do a hobby, maybe with your daughter?

Monkeynuts18 · 12/12/2018 19:39

Are your other children boys or girls? You say in your first post that you have 3 kids then in another post say you have one of each - does that mean that your other two are a boy and a girl?

I think Gonzo is correct (albeit in an unbelievably creepy way) that this is connected to her changing from a little girl to a young woman. But I don’t think it’s about wanting to keep her on a straight and narrow because any reasonable parent wants to keep a child of either sex safe and healthy.

Some men are misogynists. Some of those men father daughters. Most of those men are able to suspend their misogyny while their daughter is a little girl and isn’t a woman. When she starts to become a woman - the object of his most deeply held hatred - they can’t contain it anymore and it starts to show.

So in answer to your question - yes, you definitely need to defend your daughter from this bullying.

OkPedro · 13/12/2018 01:18

I wonder how many women struggle with their sons going through puberty/becoming men

TooManyPaws · 13/12/2018 01:36

My father was like this. He also gave my mother the silent treatment which she ignored. I fought back verbally which he couldn't cope with and it escalated.

I'm in my late 50s and still struggling with MH and self-harm as a result of no self-esteem whatsoever.

Don't let him do this to her.

Cooella · 13/12/2018 01:48

Gonzo while I can see your point you are wrong. No man should be punishing his daughter in an attempt to keep her safe. We don't lock up our daughters like bitches in heat anymore. We teach them about safe relationships and more importantly teach boys about respect and consent. I have 2 daughters now and people frequently comment that I will need to hide them away or beat the boys off with a stick. This makes me feel like my daughters are helpless lambs among wolves who can't be responsible for their actions and I desperately hope this is not how the world is.

My Dad and I were best friends but I developed early and he basically stopped talking to me because he was embarrassed. I don't think this is OPs situation. I think her OH is just a bit of a dick & she needs to consider the long term impact this will have on her poor daughter.

user764329056 · 13/12/2018 01:50

I work with abuse survivors and there is such a high percentage of families where one child was scapegoated in this way, it’s incredibly damaging, please take action to protect your daughter from anymore of this treatment as it truly will affect her future in a deeply troubled way

DonkeyHotei · 13/12/2018 05:39

Ah here comes the mansplaining.

WTAF?

Because somebody who is a man offers a opinion, albeit one which other people may not agree with, that is suddenly mansplaining?!?

Tellem2 · 13/12/2018 06:08

Have to ask OP is there any doubt in his mind that she may not be his child? In no form does this explain the treatment, but can be something to pry about if some villager is spreading around hurtful gossip.

bastardkitty · 13/12/2018 06:18

Being abusive to your partner and daughter is not remedied by doing a few jobs to help the neighbours. This does not make him a good person. This just means, like a lot of abusers, he is out there in the world manipulating other people's image of him. It's actually part of the abusive behaviour.

Urbanbeetler · 13/12/2018 06:28

Honestly - tell him to leave until he fixes himself. What an unpleasant man.

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