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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to defend daughter from bullying husband?

69 replies

KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 00:03

Firstly I must say my DH is a good man, very hard worker and provider ( no you have not timewarped to 1950’s). We live in a rural area, I am SAHM, he works full time plus other job and p/t farmer. We have three children 11,9 and 7. Great kids, no issues apart from usual sibling niggling. In the past year or so my husband has become excessively hard on our eldest daughter. She is a strong minded girl who quite often drives us round the twist but is a beautiful girl with a kind soul. I am guilty myself of losing the plot with her and the younger ones when they are on a mission to drive us crazy but my husband seems to shout at her for sometimes a given reason which if the other two do the same thing elicits no reaction or for no reason at all. His response to her for even the most normal question is terse at best and for the two younger ones is gentle and reasonable. I had enough tonight. I questioned him as to why he behaves like this. I didn’t lose my temper which is unusual ( hold it in and let it blow kind of person) and told him he was in danger of losing his daughter piece by piece if he keeps treating her like this. She has been in tears so many times asking me why Daddy is angry with her all the time. He is now asleep upstairs and more than likely won’t talk to me for a few days but I refuse to feel guilty for standing up for my girl. Just need some thoughts. Every angle welcome. All I want is for my three to be treated equally.

OP posts:
Original poster
KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 01:21

Thank you everyone who took the time to reply. I really did read every reply because I need all the help I can get. I will talk to my husband whether he wants to or not and I will try to see it from perspective of a man with no sisters. I have one of each and with children of each sex I suppose it all helps. Thanks to all mums and dads out there 😍

OP posts:
Augusta2012 · 12/12/2018 01:36

If you genuinely feel this is out of character, I would suggest family counselling. Possibly he is struggling to cope with her being a young woman instead of a child. But tell him he has to go, and he has to sort it out or you will LTB.

DeepanKrispanEven · 12/12/2018 01:50

I used to get upset but now ignore, acting as if nothing has happened. I carry on as normal and he eventually comes round.

Don't ignore him. Call him out on his behaviour: point out that going off in a huff and refusing to talk to you is incredibly childish and makes him a dreadful role model for his children, and that actually his behaviour is considerably worse than the behaviour he is criticising in your daughter.

Original poster
KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 01:54

To Valhalla and beyond. ps. I refer myself . My children will make alll their choices for themselves .

OP posts:
BumDisease · 12/12/2018 01:59

"Little girls turn 11 and suddenly they are no longer 'little girls'. They get bumps in their jumpers "

I understand what you're getting at but eeeeeeeeeew. That sounds so fucking creepy.

Italiangreyhound · 12/12/2018 02:07

"I questioned him as to why he behaves like this. I didn’t lose my temper which is unusual ( hold it in and let it blow kind of person) and told him he was in danger of losing his daughter piece by piece if he keeps treating her like this." KIDCAMERON what did he say?

Original poster
KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 02:08

Wine 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 02:08

Not a thing

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 12/12/2018 02:10

Good luck OP.

Your husband needs to now his behavior towards dd and you is not acceptable. Do not ignore it. He is obviously someone who cares what others think of him. His family are the closet people to him, he should be acutely aware if he is upsetting his oldest child and his wife.

pallisers · 12/12/2018 02:13

You husband is treating your daughter exactly as he treats you. She is 11 - becoming an adult female, expressing opinions. he doesn't like that and gets angry.

This is a big issue OP. My experience is that women are drawn to men like their fathers. I know I married a man very different to my dad in terms of education/ambition but utterly similar in terms of values, kindness, intelligence. My dsis the same. We are married to very different men who are both emotionally very like my lovely father. you don't want your daughter to spend her teen years fighting with a man and then absorbing that as a normal dynamic with men. It isn't. your husband needs to get a grip right now and get the help he needs to deal with a pre-teen/teen daughter.

TemptressofWaikiki · 12/12/2018 02:17

He sounds like a bully.

Original poster
KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 02:29

My father was an alcoholic bully. My husband is not alcoholic. I want to take my children and run

OP posts:
Original poster
KIDCAMERON · 12/12/2018 02:43

I am truly lost. So far out. Of everywhere

OP posts:
Bambamber · 12/12/2018 02:49

Instead of defending her during her being bullied, why don't you act like a mother and protect your daughter by not allowing him to bully her in the first place.

I can't believe you seem to actually think he's a good man because he only bullies one person.

BollockingBaubles · 12/12/2018 02:57

Little girls turn 11 and suddenly they are no longer 'little girls'. They get bumps in their jumpers

You may not intend it but I agree with the op who said that sounds a bit creepy. Possibly because bumps in jumpers sounds like the way a child would talk and an adult man using same terminology sounds off. Why didn't you just say breasts?

From sounds of OP i get the impression it's nothing to do with the physical aspect of puberty but more of her becoming less controllable and a turning into a young woman with her her own mind and her own views.

Given the way he treats his wife when her views don't match his, it's not that surprising. He's not a nice man OP.

kateandme · 12/12/2018 02:57

your daughter is just coming to the age where she will only get worse (probably,maybe,deffinitely) in the ways she will start to be stronger more confused and a teenager! if you dh doesn't sort this out quick there relationship will explode because soon either she will cower and struggle with her own feeling and then her dads not liking her which at this age certainly will damage her.or she will be of the age where she will fight back.she wont go to mum nomore but just give him shit.and then rebel.
ive seen it first hand and the consequence were awful and the house terrible to live in.and the effect then on the other kids.ouch.because they went their own way to protect mum and sister and then to make sure daddy "liked" them enough and they were good enough for him and the other just rebelled and hated him.

Italiangreyhound · 12/12/2018 03:00

KIDCAMERON can you explain what these posts mean...

" My husband is not alcoholic. I want to take my children and run"

"I am truly lost. So far out. Of everywhere"

I hope someone can give some good advice, I am off to bed now but I really do wish you all the best. Thanks

Shriek · 12/12/2018 03:09

Good god. Weird post from Gonzo bumps in jumpers, girls actually like sex is this for real?? Actually, no?!

This bloke is treating both women this way.

You don't turn abuser just because your DC is growing up

Shriek · 12/12/2018 03:12

Don't make this about OP and her choice of men. He wouldn't have told her he was going to behave this way.

She is no doubt feeling highly worried at the reaction on here to her words.

What's happening OP? How are you?

Heyjudas · 12/12/2018 03:17

Ah just ignore him. Men are useless.

LondonLassInTheNorthPole · 12/12/2018 03:18

This isnt acceptable.

You say he now wont speak to you for afew days because you spoke up about your daughter

Because his a good man?
He is horrible to your daughter and she cries to you...
But because he helps the neighbours, his a good man???

Your poor daughter is more than likely walking on eggs shells 24/7 and his a good man Hmm

OkPedro · 12/12/2018 03:35

Bumps in their jumpers. Jesus that made me shudder. Please don't use that phrase again gonzo it's beyond creepy
ops husband sounds like an abusive arse not a father struggling with his daughter growing up

SoleBizzz · 12/12/2018 03:37

Your Daughter should come first. Her self edteem and mental health will be forever stunted and damaged if you stay with him. He won't change.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2018 03:39

I think @GonzoFlyingProducts was talking about the sex, alcohol, parties, flirting etc once the girl had grown up - or at least was well on the way to being an adult. 11 yos in general aren’t into these things. I also think he was talking about the realities of parenting a not quite 15 yo in general terms and trying to keep her safe. I don’t think he was saying all 14/15 yo girls like sex either.

I’ve also read a few of his other posts. He sounds like a mature and well balanced father, totally honest about who he is and not afraid to ask for advice. Instead of taking his advice for what it is, posters have jumped on bumps under the jumper comment. Admittedly I did double take on that one but was reassured by the rest of the post that this isn’t some creepy guy.

Had this been a woman posting or someone, who didn’t disclose their sex and therefore assumed female, would anyone have batted an eyelid?

SoleBizzz · 12/12/2018 03:39

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