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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that losing my mum has pretty much arsed up my life

66 replies

Marleyschains · 11/12/2018 20:05

NCd as a couple of people know me and I need anonymity.

Mum died in my teens. I was hard faced about it to the world, didn't cry at her funeral or show any outward signs of being bothered.

My dad had pissed off so it was just us. I had no home or security. Ran up debt, went wild, had no steady hand.

I'm now in my late 30s. And sometimes I remember she's not here and it kills me from the inside of me .

(I know I am being soft.)

OP posts:
Llanali · 11/12/2018 20:08

I’m sorry you feel this way.

I lost my mother at 24. My father promptly emigrated.

I didn’t run wild, I grew up overnight, but sadly I’m not sure it’s much better.

Losing a parent so young can and often does have a profound and devastating effect.have you spoken with anyone about it?

Thankyouforthemusic · 11/12/2018 20:09

I'm so sorry. I have lost my mum too and it really hurts. You're not being soft - go easy on yourself

Original poster
Marleyschains · 11/12/2018 20:09

No. No one to speak to and anyway it's done, she's dead, but sometimes, only sometimes, I do wonder what might have been.

OP posts:
snarferson · 11/12/2018 20:10

YANBU. Losing my mum has destroyed me inside. Outside I still function.

helly29 · 11/12/2018 20:12

So sorry. I lost mine at 27,but she was ill on and off from when I was 14. I had support and it was still shut, so can't imagine how hard it was at that age with no support.

There's a chance that you still need to grieve if you couldn't at the time. Consider looking into grief counselling - your gp or local hospice may be able to help/point you in the right direction Flowers

SandysMam · 11/12/2018 20:13

Totally feel you. Losing my mum has affected all aspects of my life. The moment she died, a shadow was cast on my world and I feel totally separate to my friends who haven’t been through the same thing. It’s sad because she would be gutted to think she had caused me so much pain.
Hope things get better for you OP, for all of us Flowers

helly29 · 11/12/2018 20:13

*shit, not shut

Truckingonandon · 11/12/2018 20:15

God, you're not being soft. This is an absolutely devastating thing to have happened to you. I lost my mum in my 40s and I've never been the same since and never will be but I can't even begin to imagine how tough it must be to lose your mum when you're still a child.

Oysterbabe · 11/12/2018 20:16

This made me think of the Martin Lewis interview where he talks about losing his mum. I lost mine when I was in my 30s and it was devastating. I can't imagine what it would have been like to lose her as a child. I'm so sorry. Flowers

LuckyAmy1986 · 11/12/2018 20:16

Sorry OP. I lost mine at 14 and yes it has ruined my life, I think I will always feel something missing and never be 100% happy.

rightreckoner · 11/12/2018 20:17

I’m so sorry Marley. That is such a loss to sustain at that age. And your dad leaving you to it. I think you should take time to recognise the terrible loss you experienced and appreciate your teenage self, struggling in really tough circumstances.

I really don’t have any experience but wanted to send you courage and strength.

JamieFraser · 11/12/2018 20:19

My mum passed away 17 years ago today. I was early 20s and yes it's had a huge impact on me. Hugs x

Perfectly1mperfect · 11/12/2018 20:19

You're not being 'soft'. Losing your mum so young will have had a huge affect on you both then and every day since it happened.

I know you say its 'done' but I do think that speaking to someone can help you process your thoughts and feelings about it.

Slightly off topic but I watched an interview with Jamie Dornan. His mum died from cancer when he was 15. He said that although it was an awful at the time it happened, as a 15 year old he didn't realise the huge affect it would have on him for the rest of his life. He was basically saying that it affected him when it happened, but also as he gets older and at each stage in his life he has different feelings about it. When he got married and then had children, again, he sort of felt like he was dealing with it over again.

Life is very unfair sometimes. Flowers

Amara123 · 11/12/2018 20:19

My mother died in my teens too and it took a long time for me to recover.
Can I suggest an excellent book- Motherless daughters by Hope Edelman. It goes through the personal impact of losing a mother at different ages and I found reading it very therapeutic. I think Amazon sell it.

jessstan2 · 11/12/2018 20:21

Bless your heart. A tough deal, losing your mum when you're in your teens. It's hard enough when you're in your forties!

I think you would benefit from counselling. I have a friend who works for Cruse and they are very, very good indeed. They're used to people who are grieving long after the bereavement, you put it on hold but now is the time for you to accept support.

Flowers
Kolo · 11/12/2018 20:22

I was an adult when my mum died and it tore me apart, so I’ve often thought how damaging it would be for a child. I’m so sorry that it happened to you.
I still (12 years on) often feel angry and resentful that I’ve missed out on so much that I feel like I should have had: my mum missed my wedding, she never met my children, she’s never been in my house. My kids don’t get Christmas and birthday presents from their grandma. You do get used to it a bit, don’t you, but it still has the power to smack you hard like running into a brick wall.

Atchiclees · 11/12/2018 20:23

Yanbu. I lost my dad to cancer when I was 16. School didn’t offer any sort of counselling or support. My mum didn’t believe in counselling anyway so discouraged me from going. No, 20+ years on and two DCs, I miss not having a dad. We were very close. Losing a parent in your teens is shit and does arse up your life quite significantly, I learnt that whenever anything is going well for me then something will come along and arse it up. I wasted my 20s on an unsuitable bloke, put weight on, didn’t see the point in trying too hard at anything because life plans can be ruined. It has badly effected me and always will. Flowers to everyone who has lost a parent.

boldlygoingsomewhere · 11/12/2018 20:26

My mum died when I was in my early twenties - it has destroyed me mentally but to most people I seem perfectly functional. I still feel like a child in many ways - it seems to have stunted me emotionally. This time of year is tough.

Do you have good support around you now? Would a few sessions if counselling just to talk things through help? It is a shitty hand to be dealt, OP. Flowers

LuckyAmy1986 · 11/12/2018 20:26

Atchiclees same as you I never got any counselling, it’s something I am still so angry at my dad for. I have made my DH promise that should anything happen to me he would make that a priority for the DC.

TwistedStitch · 11/12/2018 20:26

YANBU. I lost my Mum as a toddler and the effect it has had on me is huge, it has impacted my whole life. I believe that it was made alot worse by how it was dealt with through my childhood too, and now as a parent myself I cannot fathom the way things were handled and I would never do the same with my own kids.

Beefandmixed · 11/12/2018 20:29

I lost my mum at 11 she had been ill for years but no one ever told me just how ill it what was ultimately going to happen so when she died my world fell apart but to the outside world I carried on as normal. I messed up at school at early in my 20s but now I’m settled, children, oh, house I think if it’s possible I miss her more I can’t help but feel if only she was here. Sometimes I get a coffee and sit on a bench in the gardens of the crematorium for an hour and talk to her, I do get upset but I feel so much better after it’s my version of therapy. OP you are not alone in how you feel Flowers

BlackWatchBelle · 11/12/2018 20:31

My mum died when I was 28, ill for 7 years. I was with her at the end and it was horrific watching her die. Life is forever changed and to be honest, I struggle to find the joy in life now. I am 42 and its not easing. Christmas is especially shit, even with 2 young children.

I can't offer any words of comfort but you are normal, somedays out of nowhere it hits me like a wave and floors me. I have had counselling but it didn't help. My only advise is to allow yourself to feel, just feel what ever you do, because trying to ignore it causes more damage Flowers

sachabloom · 11/12/2018 20:36

You're not being soft at all, don't give yourself a hard time for thisThanks

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about this?

I really hope you're okay, please be kind to yourself x

Atchiclees · 11/12/2018 20:38

@LuckyAmy1986 It’s horrible isn’t it. I still annoyed at my mum, and at school for not insisting on me having counselling and support. I withdrew into myself a lot, went to school with puffy eyes after crying all night and not sleeping. No teachers noticed or if they did, no one helped. I feel very let down. I’m sorry to hear i am not the only one.

Hassled · 11/12/2018 20:41

Marley - of course you're not being soft. Like you, I was a teenager when my mother died and like you, it has profoundly affected the whole of the rest of my life. And like you, my Dad wasn't really around and I went pretty wild - I lived on my own from the age of 16. I'm much older than you are now and have only really in the past few years actually started to address the grief and the sense of loss that has followed me through life. The older I got, the more that manifested itself in pretty bad anxiety. The year I outlived her - mid 40s - was awful.

What's helped me - therapy. Someone to talk to - someone who has helped me pick through it all and most importantly someone to say "of course you feel this way - why wouldn't you?". I pay for it - it's not cheap, but is the best money I've ever spent. I found someone just looking on my local MIND website.

And also just getting older has helped. When I walk past a mirror now I sometimes get a glimpse of my mother, and it makes me realise she's not really all that far away. I won't say it gets easier - it doesn't. But the way you manage the sense of loss can change.