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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that losing my mum has pretty much arsed up my life

66 replies

Marleyschains · 11/12/2018 20:05

NCd as a couple of people know me and I need anonymity.

Mum died in my teens. I was hard faced about it to the world, didn't cry at her funeral or show any outward signs of being bothered.

My dad had pissed off so it was just us. I had no home or security. Ran up debt, went wild, had no steady hand.

I'm now in my late 30s. And sometimes I remember she's not here and it kills me from the inside of me .

(I know I am being soft.)

OP posts:
speakout · 11/12/2018 20:46

I agree with the others, you are not being soft.

I was close to my father who died when I was a teenager.

My mother has set me up set me up for a lot of fails in life , given me very bad advice and very little support.

I would love to have a mother to lean on.

I don't underestimate anyone's grief, but sometimes parents don't always give us what we would like.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 11/12/2018 20:46

You’re not being soft.
Do you know any teenagers who are the same age you were when you lost your mum? If so, really pay attention to them next time you see them. Notice how young and vulnerable they are underneath their teenage bluster. Think about how much they need their parents’ love, guidance and support to feel safe. Then think about how you would feel for themif they lost a parent. You’d feel protective, compassionate and sympathetic towards them I’m sure.
Your younger self deserves that same understanding from you. Please don’t blame yourself for the things that have gone before.

LuckyAmy1986 · 11/12/2018 20:46

That’s really sad, can’t get my head around why people, especially family, wouldn’t absolutely make sure you had had all the necessary help. I wonder now if I should have counselling but I don’t know if it would make any difference. My heart aches for my teenage self, I know that sounds strange! It sucks that OP and the others of us on this thread have had to go through this, so unfair. And it doesn’t make me feel any better knowing others are in the same boat, it makes my heart hurt for them because I know how it feels.

Original poster
Marleyschains · 11/12/2018 20:47

I'm not interested in therapy. I can't afford it in any case. It was ages ago. Don't know why I'm thinking about it now.

OP posts:
Hassled · 11/12/2018 20:51

Are you thinking about it now because you're getting closer to the age she was?

Original poster
Marleyschains · 11/12/2018 20:54

Yes, that's probably it although honestly I'd welcome death. Im not suicidal but I've lived long enough.

OP posts:
perfectly1mperfect · 11/12/2018 20:57

Maybe the time of year as well, seeing people make plans with their families. I think most of us start to reflect on things and that can make us feel down.

HundredMilesAnHour · 11/12/2018 20:57

Oh OP, you're not being soft. I don't think we ever get over losing our mum.

I was 25 when I lost mine. The last time I'd seen her before I found out she was dying, we'd had a huge fight. It was Christmas and I stormed out of the house and told her I wished she was dead! I didn't see her again until 3 months later when she was kept in hospital (on my birthday) after a 'routine' post-cancer check. She died 10 days later. I was lucky enough to have the chance to make my peace with her but I have missed her every day since. And I'm 48 now.

I know how much I struggled with the loss of my mother as a 25 year old. I can't even begin to imagine how much harder it was for you as a teenager.

Many of us do (in hindsight) stupid things to cope. I too went off the rails although I tried to keep up a pretence of not being totally fucked up to the outside world. I made a suicide attempt at one point. It messed me up for years and it was only when a decade later I had a breakdown that it became clear that me not dealing with the loss of my mother was the source of so much of my unhappiness. I too thought I was hard. But all that pain and emotion was locked deep down inside and was eating me up. I was lucky that my then employer had good health insurance and they sent me to The Priory and for that I will be forever grateful. It really helped and it gave me the life skills to cope with my feelings of loss. But that means I have learnt to cope as opposed to get over it. I don't believe we ever get over it.

Something someone said to me about death has always really helped me. I hope maybe it will help you. They said that people treat the death of a loved one like an illness that you'll recover from. But that's not true. Instead death of a loved one is more like an amputation. You will always feel like something is missing but you will eventually find a way to carry on despite it.

You are not alone OP. See how many people on this thread care and genuinely want to support you. Please take care and look after yourself. xx

AnoukSpirit · 11/12/2018 20:58

Just because an event is in the past doesn't mean its impact won't continue in the present.

When you fall and injure yourself you don't cease to be injured just because you're no longer falling. The injury lingers.

Loss is the same.

olivertwistwantsmore · 11/12/2018 21:00

Ouch, you poor wee love. Have a big hug.

forkinghellmate · 11/12/2018 21:01

My mum lost her mum and dad a few years apart. By the time she was just turned 18 they were both dead.

She is incredibly tough, hard and self sufficient but she is the best mum in the world to me. She’s been married for almost 45 to my dad so it’s absolutely possible that despite how you feel you are capable of loving yourself and loving someone else. It’s within you. Have you considered counselling?

Much love to you. I feel awful for you Flowers

forkinghellmate · 11/12/2018 21:01

*45 years

Deadbudgie · 11/12/2018 21:04

Op I’m so sorry for everything you have been through. Going through a trauma leaves an imprint on you that will last. There are ways of learning to deal with that, but you won’t be the same person you would have been if you hadn’t experienced the trauma, allow yourself to grieve both for your mum and the life you think you might have had had your mum still been here. It might be helpful to seek counselling

Nunyabusiness · 11/12/2018 21:09

I was 25 when my mum died and I cry at the injustice of it at least once a month - it'll be 10 years next year since I cuddled her or had a conversation with her

My children have been done out of a grandmother and I've missed having the guidance of a mother whilst navigating motherhood myself.

Things will never be ok, I hear you OP.

chickenloverwoman · 11/12/2018 21:16

I lost my Mum when I was 11. Flowers from me and a hand hold xxx

Batinahat · 11/12/2018 21:19

I too lost a parent when I was young (8 years old) and it's interesting and comforting to read of others' experiences. OP and others here may find the podcast by Cariad Lloyd, "Griefcast" worth a listen. She talks each week to people who have lost family members/friends and there is a particular focus on people who lost parents as children/teenagers. I listened to a couple recently and found it very interesting to hear about other peoples' experiences that were surprisingly similar to mine. I think the death of a parent shapes you in lots of ways, some good some more challenging. Just recognising and acknowledging that it had an effect has been a good step for me.

MamaLovesMango · 11/12/2018 21:22

You’re not soft.

Mine died when I was 25. I’m mid-30s now and havent even made a dent in the grieving process. The biggest issue I have is that I feel that when she died, everything died with her and I was spat out into a really shitty world.

DragonSnaps · 11/12/2018 21:29

Everybody copes in different ways. There's nothing wrong with the way you dealt with losing your mum. I lost my mum 3 months ago and I have cried (in private) every single day and I'm 34. You're doing so well Flowers

Bluewidow · 11/12/2018 21:37

My children lost their dad this year aged 9 and 6. I can already tell this will affect them and shape their lives forever.

Monkeynuts18 · 11/12/2018 21:37

You’re not being soft. Losing a parent is difficult even for people in their fifties and sixties! Losing a parent in your teens is a terrible, terrible blow. Particularly when it’s your only parent.

Wishyouhadntleftus · 11/12/2018 21:40

twistedstitch I could have written your post, i guess we may had similar childhoods.
Flowers to you, to OP and to everyone else on this thread.

Xenadog · 11/12/2018 21:41

OP, my mum died when I was 12 and it wasn’t until I had therapy at 34 that I really realised what an impact it had on me. Even now things happen and I figure out my responses to them are due to the hole that’s within me.

Therapy is the best thing you could do to help yourself and I would suggest going to the doctors in the first place. It isn’t easy but does make a difference.

I get the impression OP, you show a hard front to the world. I definitely do this and before I had my DD I could literally face anything as nothing would ever hurt as much as losing my mum. Since having my DD I realise how important it is for a child to have their mum and it makes me sad to think I coped without mine.

I’m rambling a bit but basically, OP you have had a tough time and need help. Others will understand how you feel and be able to empathise and help you deal with what you’re going through now. Nothing can ever bring your mum back but you deserve to feel happy and be able to live a life which isn’t totally scarred by your loss.

Madieracake · 11/12/2018 22:12

Lost my mum very suddenly when I was 26. She was 50. That was 22 years ago but feels like I only spoke with her yesterday. I think about her ever day and often think I need to call her if something happens I want to share. Crazy. The pain of not having her around has impacted
so much of my life. She didn't see me marry or meet her grandkids. I feel we were both robbed of enjoying each other as grow ups. I can't bring myself to watch home movies with her in them as am scared hearing her voice will upset me too much. Love looking at photos though and talking about her to my kids. Thankfully i am really close to my sister's so we have all supported each other over the years.

decemberfrost · 11/12/2018 22:16

You poor thing, you definitely need help if she died over 20 years ago and you are still badly suffering.

I would see a doctor to be referred for therapy.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 11/12/2018 22:17

I lost my mum and dad 4 months apart back in 2000...I was 26...they were 52 and 56....it has utterly destroyed my life....i have never felt settled since....even 18 years on most of my friends still have both parents....I feel so angry at how unfair it is.