To say that losing my mum has pretty much arsed up my life

[Marleyschains]

NCd as a couple of people know me and I need anonymity.

Mum died in my teens. I was hard faced about it to the world, didn't cry at her funeral or show any outward signs of being bothered.

My dad had pissed off so it was just us. I had no home or security. Ran up debt, went wild, had no steady hand.

I'm now in my late 30s. And sometimes I remember she's not here and it kills me from the inside of me .

(I know I am being soft.)

Im so sorry Op. There are no words to describe it. I lost my mum at 11 and my dad at 18. I've never had counselling either. I'm afraid it will unravel all the layers I've grown over the years. I've no advice to offer but am sending hugs and hope you can get through this

I will never get over losing my mum. How could I?

I have come to terms with it 12 years later and counselling off and on.

Still every now and then it hits me like a wave and knocks me off my feet emotionally.

Lots of love.

OP. You are never ever 'done' with such grief. Please seek bereavement counselling
Even yrs later it can help.
I lost my twin aged 15 and was 'tough' about it at the time.. Every milestone I have silently cried wondering just what life would be like if she was here.
I only recently approached a grief counselling charity.. I thought they would laugh at me.. I am 53. Surely I must be over it by now?
They have been amazing. Completely understood.

@theredjellybean
I'm so very sorry you lost her.

I am so sorry to read your post OP and how you are feeling now. Other PPs have mentioned counselling which I know there is often a waiting list for. There are also online counselling sites if you look online, Sue Ryderfor example have one which I understand there is no charge for.

I have lost both my parents and as someone has already said it is like an amputation. I feel numb all the time now, not what my parents would want, and just hope it will get better.

It’s been really warming to see this thread and read about how many other people feel they’ve been irreparably hurt and changed by losing their mums, it can feel very lonely. Mine died eight years ago, I was 22, she was only really ill for two years beforehand (alcoholism). I found after the initial 2/3 years the pain started to ease and I was able to move on in a lot of ways, but eight years on now I still dream about her a few times per week, miss her so much, her songs feel like they’ve punched me in the gut when they come on unexpectedly, if I ever get drunk I end up emotional and crying about how much I wish she were still here. My best friend lost his mum 30 years ago and he still dreams about her and misses her. I don’t think it ever goes away, but if you’re suffering to the extent you feel you can’t cope or live life or ever be able to think about the good times and accept what’s happened happened I would honestly look into some therapy if you want to be able to feel any better.

I guess it’s normal to still feel this way, she was my mum, the only mum I’ll ever have, she was a brilliant mum and I grew inside her. I’m not surprised it still affects me but I do feel bad and guilty for it these days if I ever bring it up with friends because I feel I should be over it. But I’ll never ‘get over’ it even though I’ve moved on from the worst of the pain. I think partly I feel a bit traumatised from the actual two years of grieving after her death as much as losing her, that was the darkest period of my life and I’m surprised sometimes I survived it but the memories of the acute pain and how it felt and memories of what it did to me will persist forever I think. I still can’t believe it happened.

My mum died this year. I'm in my 40s and I'm finding it so hard to function. What's difficult now is that people expect me to be ok after the initial understanding and kind thoughts. I'm not ok. It's shit and I'm having to paint on a happy smiley face each day, especially now on the run up to Christmas

of course you're thinking about her and what her loss has meant for your life. That's not soft at all.

You really need to talk this through with someone. No one just "gets over" stuff like this (not just her loss but your dad abandoning you as well).

I lost my dad to cancer when I was 14 and my mum suddenly when I was 22. I have felt like a lost soul ever since, just drifting, winging my way through adulthood feeling like I am still a child needing the guidance of a parent, and my children have grown up not knowing the wonderful person that she was. It's been 18 years since my mum died. Christmas is especially hard as my mum died on Christmas Eve.

to all of you xx

@xenadog that’s exactly what I used to think; I’d already been through the worst thing that could happen to me, so everything else was easy. Until I had my own children and then I realised I could only imagine the worst thing that could ever happen!

Love to everyone who has lost a parent. It’s definitely a particular type of loss, the loss of your guardian in this world and you can end up feeling very alone at times.

@dancinfeet you have summed how exactly how i feel....a lost soul drifting through life....

OP it's perfectly normal to feel this way. I think that it is not uncommon that grieving teens don't receive any support either. I was 13 when my wonderful mum died of cancer, my brother was 10. Our dad died -when I was 19 and my brother was 16 - of a sudden heart attack, he was 56, my mum was 43 when she died.

I was 50 in September and just this week I was talking to my husband about how completely different my life would have been if my mum was still here. I still miss her and think of her, I am envious of so many friends who still have both their parents!

When I was younger (maybe in my 20s) I struggled with the idea of 'closure' and that I was supposed to say goodbye to her when I didn't want to say goodbye! Then I read somewhere that love is eternal and never dies. That gave me comfort, being forced to say goodbye would've destroyed me. All my memories and thoughts of her have only helped me. I will miss her until my last breath and then hopefully I will meet her again.

You are not alone OP, all your feelings and thoughts are the normal responses when you lose the person who literally you built your understanding of yourself, life and the world on. She gave birth to you, cherished you and raised you. You will always be a part of her.

My mum killed her self when I was 12.
I was alone and blamed for it.
I'm angry at her still.
It could've formed my life, I chose for it not to.

I was hardened by it. Then by social services not giving a shit about a 12 living alone and then being evicted.
Counsellor told me not to cry because it's ugly.

End result is: no one gives a shit.

Social service, counsellors but ultimately a mother who didn't love me enough to stay.

Fuck them all.

Now?
I'm good.

My own roof over my head.
Adult kids who know I love them.

Degree (I made myself throw myself into learning) and good career.

My kids know they can depend on me, Shame I didn't have the same.

Now I feel a bit shit for putting my story on here when other are posting about how much they miss and love their mothers.
Sorry to bring the tone down, just my story.

MarleysChains I can't imagine what you went through as a child losing your mum & your dad not being on the scene.

You're not being soft in the slightest.

This is my greatest fear, leaving my children behind when they are children or teenagers, and that's because it must be unimaginably damaging for them.

I second other posters, who say that counselling might be worth pursuing, although no amount of counselling can compensate for what you need but can't have, which I'm sure is a great big hug from you mum. Still, it might help to get professional help, even after all these years.

Wishing you peace and happiness.