To put myself first just this once but to the detriment of adult DD?

[paffuto]

Okay, firstly get the violins out DH and I have never owned a pc, laptop or had a TV in the bedroom. I type on MN on my phone. I have been virtually bed bound with a number of illnesses for over a year. DH is my full-time Carer. Years ago I used to absolutely love playing games on PlayStation or other device when kids were in bed. My tablet has broken and I'm so fed up with being ill and in bed most of the time. I have knitting, reading and phone to occupy myself. But, I'm dying to play video games. I want to treat myself to a TV in the bedroom and xbox or whatever. The dilemma is this: adult DD has a personality disorder. She's come home to get back on her feet after being really ill and depressed, getting into debt, not able to cope. One of the things with her personality disorder is that she always wants what her friends and family have and constantly overspends. At the moment, my PIP is under review so this would be a silly time to be spending money anyway. DD has stated that if we buy a games device then she will too! She's still struggling to get out of debt. Her words are "you're not having a games machine without me." This is the disorder not her. Any advice please on what to do. I really want this TV and games console in my bedroom and I feel I deserve it. However, this would be "feeding" DD's disorder which we try so hard not to do. Also, it's s very bad example of financing because she knows we are at risk of possibly having PIP reduced and need other more sensible things in the home.

DH is saying go for it. Would really brighten the long winter days for me. Any advice would be appreciated please?

It doesn't sound like a good time for you to be getting these things, irrespective of the issues with your daughter. Can you hold off until you know decision regarding PIP?

Could you get yourself an old X box and 2nd hand TV on eBay?

You could kit yourself out cheaply to satisfy the gaming craving and make being bed bound tolerable, without making reckless financial decisions when you're not in a particularly secure financial position yourself. Overtly model and share the amount spent with DD - would her disorder allow her to copy your more frugal compromise example?

Firstly, I understand that it’s her disorder that is making these unreasonable assumptions. I hope she’s accessing counselling and treatment. But it would be good for your mental health to have something to occupy your mind whilst bedbound.
That being so, I’d buy one and timetable its use between you.

Surely it’s not helping her if you avoid buying things because she’ll want them too? That’s not workable. All her friends and family can’t do that. Surely she needs to develop coping strategies not impact on other people and control their lives?

I would go along with the idea of buying an older tv and console, especially because you can pick them up with bundles of games for peanuts on eBay.

Absolutely get one. I’m in good health and value my gaming time very much. I’m allowed a frivolous unproductive hobby.

Maybe don’t get the latest model given the financial circs. Previous posters suggestion of second hand is good.

DD situation is difficult, but you can’t build family life around a disorder - it’s like living with an anorexic and never being able to visibly cook or eat.

Buy the stuff 2nd hand.
It will work just as well and cost a fraction of the price.

What about a game boy/nintendo ds? Easily hidden but still v fun.

As a gamer, I'm with your dh. Go for it!

Sometimes your needs must come first. Are you worth less than your daughter, so your needs are always last?

Butchy what do you mean? The OP is disabled with what sounds like a chronic illness and describes herself as 'virtually bedbound' so I would say a console would give her some light entertainment/ escapism.

OP can you scrimp and save so even if your PIP is cut you can still get one? Can you say to family members can we not do presents this Christmas as we simply cannot afford? Could you sit your daughter down and say you really need a console for your sanity as it is so boring being ill or would that not help? Is there any way she could put in for a TV/ console and you share it, so have set days/ time of the day you each go on it or would that not work? Just throwing a few suggestions out, sorry if they're useless!

If you can fit it in your budget, but yourself a treat. I’m even going to argue that entertainment helps healing.

Your daughter is an adult and is responsible for her own illness. You are already helping her by providing her a place to live. You shouldn’t have to halt enjoying your life too.

I go with get the stuff but get a used console . You can get a cheap TV.

I can't see how you can not buy things ever, unfortunately your DD will always be around someone who buys something.

Thanks for replies. Yes I could buy cheaper second hand. DD wouldn't want to share. She has TV in her room and games console already. I suppose I just don't want her to spend anything. The plan was she comes home to recuperate, lives here for free (just contributes towards food) pays off her debts and then saves, eventually getting her own place. Even if I buy second hand, she will still copy. That's just how she is. Am I being selfish? Should I just wait? I 'm not usually like this, not at all irresponsible. Think I've just got fed up actually. And yes, she is at last getting help after a long struggle with the system. Thanks again for replies.

Butchy what do you mean? The OP is disabled with what sounds like a chronic illness and describes herself as 'virtually bedbound' so I would say a console would give her some light entertainment/ escapism.

I think it's fairly obvious what I mean. I would hold off until the PIP review decision is made, assuming it will be in the nearish future. Fair enough if others disagree and feel she should fire in (with a 2nd hand version). Opinions are gonna differ.

Yes I could buy cheaper second hand. DD wouldn't want to share. She has TV in her room and games console already.

Could she/you sell that to help one of you buy an upgrade? It sounds hugely difficult. I'm assuming you having hers is out of the question.

What about buying an older console like a Wii? You can pick one up for under £30 now and games for a few quid a go. It would be enough to keep you occupied but if she did have to copy it wouldn't be too bad.

Adult DD is an adult.
Adult DD's personality disorder does not absolve her of any sense of personal responsibility,
You cannot organise your entire life around Adult DD's inability and/or refusal to not address her maladaptive behaviour.

Get a tv. Or a console. Or both.
Adult DD cannot be sheltered from the reality that other people have needs.

Butchy looks like being a long wait for PIP. Only just sent form in, they're taking about 8 weeks at the moment, then I'll probably have to appeal etc etc. Actually one of reasons I'm hankering like this is probably the worry about it. Usually I'm Mrs. sensible/patience personified. acting like a spoilt kid at the moment!!

Butchy looks like being a long wait for PIP. Only just sent form in, they're taking about 8 weeks at the moment, then I'll probably have to appeal etc etc.

Fingers crossed it goes well. .

Whatever you decide, I wouldn't worry about being "selfish". You're definitely not that. You sound like a very supportive mum.

Can't you buy the same console as she already has so that she doesn't want to get a new one?

Or alternatively, wait until the post-christmas sales and then buy one for each of you - there could be big reductions so you end up getting 25% off or something. Perhaps say no Xmas present for her but you will get her this instead.

It’s good news that your dd is getting help. Is there a way that you could speak to her therapist and ask their advice? It doesn’t feel reasonable that you should spend your entire life never buying anything new in case she copies you and can’t afford it. It hardly seems realistic. You must be able to have some new things occasionally and she is going to have to find ways to cope.

I know what you mean Gitfeatures and tirisfalpumpkin but she definitely will spend and I feel this would be sort of "encouraging" her, for want of a better word.

What arsearesearse says, can you buy the same games console that she already has.

Be careful that you don’t end up enabling your daughter rather than helping her. Her poor financial decisions are hers, not yours. I question the value of her moving in with you to ‘recover and pay off debts’ if she is not able to control her spending or her need to have what you have. You may end up enabling her to spend even more.

Definitely don’t make a financial or self caring decision based on what your daughter would do. Look after yourself and try to detach from your dauggter’s condition. You can’t cure her by example.