To put myself first just this once but to the detriment of adult DD?

[paffuto]

Okay, firstly get the violins out DH and I have never owned a pc, laptop or had a TV in the bedroom. I type on MN on my phone. I have been virtually bed bound with a number of illnesses for over a year. DH is my full-time Carer. Years ago I used to absolutely love playing games on PlayStation or other device when kids were in bed. My tablet has broken and I'm so fed up with being ill and in bed most of the time. I have knitting, reading and phone to occupy myself. But, I'm dying to play video games. I want to treat myself to a TV in the bedroom and xbox or whatever. The dilemma is this: adult DD has a personality disorder. She's come home to get back on her feet after being really ill and depressed, getting into debt, not able to cope. One of the things with her personality disorder is that she always wants what her friends and family have and constantly overspends. At the moment, my PIP is under review so this would be a silly time to be spending money anyway. DD has stated that if we buy a games device then she will too! She's still struggling to get out of debt. Her words are "you're not having a games machine without me." This is the disorder not her. Any advice please on what to do. I really want this TV and games console in my bedroom and I feel I deserve it. However, this would be "feeding" DD's disorder which we try so hard not to do. Also, it's s very bad example of financing because she knows we are at risk of possibly having PIP reduced and need other more sensible things in the home.

I et what people are saying abuot enabling.but this is where you don't get the personality disorders.shes not blackmailing or manipulating in the way people are defining it.this is an illness that works on illness and craving and need.she isn't going out to hurt a push or manipulate.these words are so harsh and so often I hear used with mental health disorders.its a symptom just like any person with a broken leg cant walk or with stroke cant talk.you don't tell them to stragithen there mouths and talk right or walk on the broken bones.she cant help the symtoms of her illness and sometime ssome comment can be total lacking in empathy.
there is a huge strain on familes and they literally have to bend all the rules.and its fucking tough.but that doesn't mean it doesn't have to be done.its not right and its not pleasant.but this is what illness do im afraid.and mental health effects both sufferer and those that know them in such emotional ways.but its not the sufferer putting there family to ransom or tyring to hurt.they are In pain too.and the guilt they feel over making their families go through what they do is just as big as any blame we can put on them.

Thanks for that kateandme. I always feel so torn and walking on eggshells. However, I think I've made the right decision tonight, all we can do is plod on.

puffuto I didn't mean to offend op I was trying to stick up for you for being there the way you have for your daughter.sorry

Good for you :) and being straight with DD about the impact of her behaviour on you was a good call, I think.

Kate and me I have a mental illness myself and I also need other people to have proper boundaries and look after themselves and not enable me when I am ill. It isn’t harsh to say that. It is possible to both love and care for someone with a mental illness and to understand their symptoms and limitations, but also not to accept the unacceptable.

OP - I think you’ve handled this really well and if you’ve made your daughter think, that’s progress and to be celebrated!

kateandme. No you didn't offend at all. It was late, I was tired and didn't word my post very well. I was grateful for your insight and genuinely thanking you Thanks to everyone, the support on this thread has been great and Happy Christmas to you all.

Mental health worker here. PD's are very draining and exhausting for all involved, especially families. You need to look after your own mental health in order to be able to support your daughter and if having a games console is something you enjoy and keeps you occupied then absolutely get one. Things will not get better if you accommodate the disorder and change your lifestyle to suit it. How about discussing ways in which you could help to manage her spending, if this means taking all cards etc and she is in agreement do it. Things will never improve if she doesn't challenge the triggers.

Well done OP, that sounds like a great outcome.