To put myself first just this once but to the detriment of adult DD?

[paffuto]

Okay, firstly get the violins out DH and I have never owned a pc, laptop or had a TV in the bedroom. I type on MN on my phone. I have been virtually bed bound with a number of illnesses for over a year. DH is my full-time Carer. Years ago I used to absolutely love playing games on PlayStation or other device when kids were in bed. My tablet has broken and I'm so fed up with being ill and in bed most of the time. I have knitting, reading and phone to occupy myself. But, I'm dying to play video games. I want to treat myself to a TV in the bedroom and xbox or whatever. The dilemma is this: adult DD has a personality disorder. She's come home to get back on her feet after being really ill and depressed, getting into debt, not able to cope. One of the things with her personality disorder is that she always wants what her friends and family have and constantly overspends. At the moment, my PIP is under review so this would be a silly time to be spending money anyway. DD has stated that if we buy a games device then she will too! She's still struggling to get out of debt. Her words are "you're not having a games machine without me." This is the disorder not her. Any advice please on what to do. I really want this TV and games console in my bedroom and I feel I deserve it. However, this would be "feeding" DD's disorder which we try so hard not to do. Also, it's s very bad example of financing because she knows we are at risk of possibly having PIP reduced and need other more sensible things in the home.

Is there a way you could speak to her therapist and ask their advice. I thought that myself but seems a bit of a betrayal talking to her own therapist behind her back.

I don't know why people have suggested second hand. That makes no difference to the situation.
The OP doesn't want the daughter to copy her spending whethe rits £5, £50 or £500 ok a TV and games console.

OP this is a tough one!

The mother in you will be telling you not to do this. But your adult DD, despite the disorder, is STILL an adult and making her own adult decisions.

I would buy whatever it is you want to buy and when it comes to the time of your DD having to copy you, steer her toward to cheaper second hand stuff as well as encouraging help with her disorder.

If she wasn't living with you she would be living with someone else and be doing the exact same thing there anyway. Only worse because it's Christmas time.
I think it's more about collateral damage. You shouldn't have to miss out.

Damage limitations, rather.

Not collateral damage. Although that kinda works, it wasn't what I meant.

Oh OP, you sound so genuinely lovely, but I fear you are making excuses for your daughter and allowing yourself to be emotionally manipulated into taking responsibility for her behaviour. She is not a helpless victim of her disorder. Please, treat yourself with at least half the consideration you show for her and do something for yourself. Life sounds hard enough for you at the moment, without being a martyr to your daughters cause. It is not healthy for one person to have this level of control over other people.

For me I would consider that a luxury. But for someone who is confined to bed a lot I would see it as a good aid towards positive health. It will keep your mind active, prevent boredom and if you game online will provide a social outlet. Go for it OP. Self care isn't all medication and vegetables.

I would charge her rent. If she is irresponsible with money she won’t be saving. If you can afford it, keep her rent money in a savings account for a deposit for her own place when she is well enough to take that step.

I think you need to encourage your dd to remember she is responsible for her own decisions. Assuming her personality disorder is Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (also called borderline pd sometimes - I know you didn't say this, but it is far the most prevalent pd) then she will likely find regulating her emotional responses difficult, but it will not force her to buy a console just because you do. She is making a choice, and you are not responsible for it.

I would buy the console, it sounds like it would have a big impact on your quality of life.

it seems like your tip toeing around your dc,i think she needs to realise that she cant have everything others have

sounds like you would get alot from a console buy it

Thanks so much for all the advice /suggestions everyone. Yes it is borderline personality disorder and one of the symptoms/issues is being manipulative. She admits this herself. It's very difficult to live with. Some of the reasons she had to leave her last place was due to the dramas with housemates and trying to keep up with their spending (holidays abroad etc) It's sort of grounding for her here, we're quite frugal most of the time.

OP, please do this one thing for yourself and get yourself a secondhand games console. It sounds like something you really want, to brighten up the days you are spending in bed.

A close relative has this pd, and it has been so draining for the rest of the family to live with. They don't live in the family home anymore (sheltered accom) and neither do I, but even being in their orbit in any way is hard work. I don't envy you .

Whether she goes out and buys something is, at the end of the day, her choice. You can't be responsible for her decisions- something I have to repeat as a mantra often about my own relative. Good luck.

Fossie

I agree with you entirely

I think people were suggesting it (I certainly was) because the OP suggested she was on a budget.

ThatOneHurt paffuto says in her opening post that her finances are up in the air atm and that there are other things she needs to buy for her home. Her implication that money is tight for her is very strong, alongside but separate from her concerns about her daughter.

Could your dh buy it for you as a Christmas present and buy her a different present so now ye all have something new .

She has TV in her room and games console already

DD has stated that if we buy a games device then she will too! She's still struggling to get out of debt. Her words are "you're not having a games machine without me." This is the disorder not her.

Fucking hell, get yourself some entertainment - this is blackmail

Maybe you can get the same brand as DD has already?

Buy it somewhere like very where you can spread the cost over 3 months with no interest or preloved. But don't go without. It sounds to me like you need this. Put yourself first. Encourage her to play multilayer with you on YOUR console with some split screen games instead of buying one she doesn't need.

You should definitely get the games console. You can't sacrifice that much of your wellbeing for your DD, that's not good for either of you. Does she have a support worker or anything?

Hi could you use her games console while she is at work? You definitely deserve one of your own in your room of course but if it would mean your daughter would buy a new one that would be hard to tolerate. x

Part of her recovery is learning how to manage her impulses, surely? The world is full of people buying things and that's just the way it is, nobody can get away from that. Buying yourself a console is a normal thing to do and your dd needs to be exposed to normal things in order to learn how to regulate her responses to them.

Tell her with steely seriousness that you will be furious if she makes this nice thing for you into a negative thing by spending. Say you understand it will make her feel xyz, but you want her to cope with those feelings without the behaviour that has harmed her in the past. And you want the console. And you are going to get it.

Nintendo DS? Something handheld you can just hide from her? Tbh I’d try and hide it from her wherever you get. Does she regularly come in your room? Does she need to? You are entitled to privacy.

It's either get one, or stop unrestricted access to your bedroom.

If she doesn't know, she can't copy.

Appreciate that your DD has borderline personality disorder but that's absolutely not an excuse for her to deprive you of this one small pleasure. She needs to take some responsibility for herself. You are already giving her lots of support by allowing her to live with you rent free. What a great opportunity for her to get back on her feet financially. She's really pushing it by ruining this for you though.

Thankyou so much everyone. It's sorted. I am getting a second hand TV and console. Yaay! Told DD firmly that I never get anything for myself, too ill to go out anywhere and I bloody well deserve some comfort. Told her she was spoiling it for me threatening to spend money she hasn't got. She looked quite shocked, I honestly don't think she saw it that way. She has agreed to pay off her overdraft and other debts then if she is still interested in a new console, to buy a second hand one. I get the feeling that by that time she'll have lost interest because it's usually an immediate reaction thing to anyone else buying something. If she doesn't keep to that, then I'm going to step back, still supporting her emotionally but not financially. She does need to learn for own sake and as some of you suggested, I am possibly enabling some of this behaviour. She's a great lass though, just a bloody pest!!!!! I'm excited, in a few days I'll be gaming. Thanks again everyone

Fantastic!