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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not visit FIL in hospital?

53 replies

MrsMuffins · 11/12/2018 14:59

FIL has just had a planned minor op and is currently in hospital about 2 hours drive away from us. DH drove over this morning to see him - we thought it better that I stay at home with DS, who’s 2.5, as it’s a long drive and he would have just been mega bored at the hospital.

However have just had MIL on the phone saying she was ‘surprised’ not to see me and DS. When I explained the reasoning she was very quiet and then quite sharp for the rest of the phone call. As background - we don’t get on well at the best of times, although this is not for want of trying on my part! Should I have gone with DH and DS to see FIL - is the fact that I don’t particularly like either of them clouding my judgement on what’s reasonable?!

OP posts:
AornisHades · 11/12/2018 15:04

When my dad was in hospital recently I went on my own and DH stayed home with our dc. I was able to concentrate on my parents rather than wrangling children and tbh my dad wouldn't have wanted them to be there either. Too much for him.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2018 15:05

Let your MIL have her little tantrum. It would have been ridiculous to go so far with a toddler under these circumstances.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/12/2018 15:07

2 hours is a long way for a hospital visit and it's not like nobody went. Don't feel bad for not going.

cardifcannonball · 11/12/2018 15:08

As long as he's not at death's door, you did the right thing.

SalmonLeBon · 11/12/2018 15:11

A planned minor op, and she expected the entire family to attend and a toddler to spend a 4 hour round trip in a car and behave in a 'hospital appropriate manner'? Sod that. Your DH needs to tell her it was a family decision, not have her ringing you and painting it as your fault.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 11/12/2018 15:12

Let her have her tantrum. For such a young child that car journey just to be stuck by a bedside is just not worth it.

From what you've said it's a minor op and it would be better for your DS to visit once FIL is at home.

I've never understood visiting in hospitals as a must. Unless you're the next of kin or they're not going to make it home, then let them rest and get better there and visit once home. It's much nicer for everyone, especially when younger children are involved.

Sirzy · 11/12/2018 15:14

Nope I wouldn’t have gone.

My dad (who I am very close to) was in hospital for a week recently. Timings meant I couldn’t visit when ds is in school and as he is autistic we decided it was too much for him so until day 5 when ds asked to visit (and lasted 10 mins!) I didn’t go.

BonBonVoyage · 11/12/2018 15:14

Yanbu
I thought under 12s are essentially banned from visiting people in hospital. Don't know if it's everywhere. Also don't know if it's due to infection concerns or because they'd disturb other people. But that's two good reasons on not to bring him

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/12/2018 15:15

Ywnbu. You would have been outside keeping DS entertained anyway.

Bearing in mind however minor the op she might be anxious, pouncing on this enables MIL to vent.

APlanerideawayyy1 · 11/12/2018 15:25

Help your child make a get well card and post it

BarbarianMum · 11/12/2018 15:38

Yes I dont think small children are allowed to visit people in hospital, too much risk of cross infection.

timeisnotaline · 11/12/2018 15:41

Yes , your dh should call her and say hey mum , muffins said you sounded like you thought she and mini muffin should have gone to the hospital. I appreciate it’s a medical procedure but it’s a minor one and no-one puts a toddler in a car for 4 hours just to say hello when there will be plenty more opportunities.

ChristmasFlary · 11/12/2018 15:45

She probably wants to look like you are all a dotting family to outsiders.

agedknees · 11/12/2018 15:49

A lot of hospital wards have a only 2 visitors to a bed policy (especially surgical wards). Dh + you + dc = 3. Get your dh to tell mil this. IMO she is just using this as a stick to beat you with..ignore.

Iloveacurry · 11/12/2018 15:50

Put it this way, if you were to have a minor op, would they visit you in hospital? Probably not. So I wouldn’t worry about it.

Janleverton · 11/12/2018 15:53

Would avoid anyone visiting hospital when not necessary - particularly a young child who could be carrying any sort of bug or might pick up a bug. Then factor in a 4 hour round trip and the FIL having a planned op rather than it being emergency, and she’s being even more unreasonable in my opinion.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 11/12/2018 15:57

The point is that she should speak to her SON about this, not you.

You should agree with him that everything to do with his parents is his ultimate decision and whenever they question you, say ‘it’s DH’s decision, so speak to him about it’z

RB68 · 11/12/2018 16:19

Really Hospitals are dirty filthy places, toddler would have been bored in 10 minutes so visit cut short - letting DH go on his own was best plan as can have a proper visit and help FIL rather than being distracted etc

Get DH to address with MIL and don't get involved

cjt110 · 11/12/2018 16:20

It wasn't emergency surgery and who wants a toddler bouncing around when they've just had an op. Ignore your MIL's strop.

Froglette16 · 11/12/2018 16:23

You did the right thing by staying at home. As PP has said, you might pick something up by visiting. Not great this side of Xmas. Every time I go to hospital (taking someone in or visiting) I come home ill😕

Littletabbyocelot · 11/12/2018 16:28

Even if it wasn't minor, hospital is no place for young children. When my dad was seriously ill in hospital, my DH and dc drove up with me (so we could all stay overnight) but they visited other family. My dad didn't want them to see him that ill and vulnerable and he was fully in support of the no young children rule on the ward - he wanted peace and quiet not everyone's young visitors. We applied the same rule when he moved to a hospice. It meant DH didn't get to say goodbye but my dad knew why and appreciated it.

cptartapp · 11/12/2018 16:28

I wouldn't have gone, YANBU. I would be worried about their expectations of you generally as they age, if she's being funny over a minor op.

StressedToTheMaxx · 11/12/2018 16:33

I would have done the exact same thing.
The last thing anyone wants after an operation is a bored toddler visiting you in hosptial.
Fil needs time to rest. Plus there are so many germs a toddler could leave with.
Get dh to phone mil and let him deal with it.

toomuchtooold · 11/12/2018 16:43

Is this what it's like when you have grandkids, you stop thinking of them as hard work small people with needs and start thinking of them as entertainment? I can't imagine anything worse than coming out of a general and being faced with a toddler. Mind you it wasn't your FIL who was short with you so who knows what he thought.

lpchill · 11/12/2018 16:52

Certain wards do ban children and even on the letter for the op (got a knee op next week- day surgery) it's specifically says that the hospital is no place for children. Let MIL have her tantrum. It's only because she wanted you all there to boss about and play grandmother of the year