Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not visit FIL in hospital?

53 replies

MrsMuffins · 11/12/2018 14:59

FIL has just had a planned minor op and is currently in hospital about 2 hours drive away from us. DH drove over this morning to see him - we thought it better that I stay at home with DS, who’s 2.5, as it’s a long drive and he would have just been mega bored at the hospital.

However have just had MIL on the phone saying she was ‘surprised’ not to see me and DS. When I explained the reasoning she was very quiet and then quite sharp for the rest of the phone call. As background - we don’t get on well at the best of times, although this is not for want of trying on my part! Should I have gone with DH and DS to see FIL - is the fact that I don’t particularly like either of them clouding my judgement on what’s reasonable?!

OP posts:
llangennith · 11/12/2018 16:59

Your MIL is being very silly. Of course you wouldn't drive 2 hours to see your FIL after a minor op let alone take your DC. I'm a grandparent and I certainly wouldn't expect or want anyone but immediate family visiting me in hospital after any op, minor or otherwise.
How dull for children.

itsnowthewaitinggame · 11/12/2018 17:03

YANBU
Hospitals are full of ill people, I wouldn't ever take a small child into one out of choice

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 12/12/2018 15:08

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate all your responses which are much more calm and reasoned than my sputtering on the phone! DH has since spoken to MIL and reiterated the reasoning - really though, as one poster said, this is just another stick to beat us with so nothing we say will make much difference.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/12/2018 15:20

What was to stop your husband taking your son?

(If it was thought to be appropriate?)

MatildaTheCat · 12/12/2018 15:24

Most wards certainly do not welcome children. If you were really feeling petty you could check the hospital policy on this...

She sounds as if she could start an argument with a paper bag. Just get your dc to make a card and send it with a very over the top message wishing him strength and blessings on his recovery journey.

Knittedfairies · 12/12/2018 15:33

It might be interesting for you to check whether children are allowed to visit patients at the hospital in question.

flumpybear · 12/12/2018 15:33

Lots of wards don't like kids - thinking logically too, they're at risk and can put patients at risk too

Pandamodium · 12/12/2018 15:41

Christ no it's flu season isn't it?

TheChickenOfTruth · 12/12/2018 15:53

Last year my FIL was in hospital and he actually nearly died. I didn't go we him because early on I thought (and his wife and biological children agreed) that he wouldn't want me (or anyone not in his immediate family) to see him like that. I went to visit him later on when he was feeling better, when he expressed an interest in seeing me. I waited for my husband to "invite" me and didn't take our toddler (left him with MIL).

AlwaysChangingNamesAgain · 12/12/2018 16:23

My children are young, so I asked my mum as PP did.

I am the oldest. She said she always thought teacher or midwife.

I'm now an antenatal teacher, and training to work with children in a medical therapy capacity. So not far off, really.

AbbieLexie · 12/12/2018 18:50

DS is far too young to be visiting FIL in hospital. I would only advise a small child visiting for as short a period as possible if the circumstances were extenuating.

Reallybadidea · 12/12/2018 18:53

Some people are absolute drama llamas and love the excitement of having the entire family gather round the bedside in hospitals. Even if it's just an ingrown toenail being removed Hmm

LilMy33 · 12/12/2018 18:56

YANBU she’s clearly not very bright if it hasn’t occurred to her why you decided not to take a toddler in the car for 2 hours each way to visit someone in hospital.

3timeslucky · 12/12/2018 18:57

When my FIL was in hospital I held the fort while dh went to visit him, picking up MIL and bringing her and dropping her home etc Made total sense.

Maybe I'm weird but if I was in hospital I wouldn't want either of my ILs visiting me. So as well as being practical I considered it a courtesy not to land in on him when he's not feeling well!

CarrieMayBe · 12/12/2018 19:53

I work in a hospital and tbh, we hate young children visiting. It disturbs the other patients as invariably they get bored very quickly and people are genuinely ill and want some peace (which is hard enough to get on a busy ward!). At the weekend we had a toddler running up and down the ward with his parents taking it in turns to chase after him. We had to ask them to leave in the end as we had elderly, frail patients trying to dodge the running child whilst unsteadily trying to make their way across to the bathroom with their walking frames. Parents seemingly unaware of the danger they were placing our patients in 🙄

Our Trust also has a policy at this time of year asking people not to bring in children under the age of 12 due to Norovirus being so prevalent in the community and hospital. You really wouldn't want your toddler to catch it or pass it to your FIL, it's horrendous.

And that's without the 2hr drive each way... you would've been totally unreasonable to take your child in today.

cadburyegg · 12/12/2018 19:56

YANBU, silly woman. Hospitals aren’t a great place for toddlers especially when there’s a long car journey and it was only a minor operation!

Yinv · 12/12/2018 19:57

Your MIL hasn't understood what's appropriate.

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 12/12/2018 22:14

@diddl apart from what other posters have said about children not being allowed on certain wards (didn’t even think of that!), DH would have just spent all of his time looking after DS, and so would have had no quality time with his Dad.

OP posts:
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 12/12/2018 22:22

The last place on earth I'd want to take a healthy toddler right now is a hospital. Imagine toddler running round touching everything!

Anothermothersusername · 12/12/2018 22:24

You absolutely did the right thing and your mil sounds passive aggressive. It sounds like your DH is supportive of you though. Your DS is only 2.5 and she expected you to take him on a two hour journey only to stand around being bored in a hospital only to have to travel all that way home again. I’ve got young DC too and know what they can be like when they get bored it often (in my case: although I’m sure with many young children) leads to tantrums which wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone. Your mil is looking for any excuse to have a pop at you. I’ve been there and you have my sympathy. Stand your ground. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

switswoo81 · 12/12/2018 22:32

fil had cancer and dh used to drop him to appointments with 2.5 yr old in car. He worked part time at the time to care for dad. One time fil fell and had to be admitted to hospital I was in work so dd had to be brought to ward. It has left dd with a pathological fear of hospitals. When dd2 was born she stood outside the ward and shook out. If she cuts herself she is hysterical that there will be no hospital. Fil passed away soon after and he never saw her after that day as she refused to go into hospital.

diddl · 13/12/2018 13:05

" DH would have just spent all of his time looking after DS, and so would have had no quality time with his Dad."

I thought that MIL was there?

I'm wondering if it's more that she was hoping to see your son than annoyance that you didn't go to see your FIL?

PrimalLass · 13/12/2018 13:41

Just don't answer the phone to her next time.

starkid · 13/12/2018 13:54

Being in hospital a few times before, personally I only liked seeing a couple of visitors, and definitely would have been overwhelmed with 3 at once with one being a toddler, so you definitely did the right thing.
You don't need all and sundry visiting you in hospital when you're vulnerable, and if you don't get on I doubt he was bothered! Even more silly if it's something very minor and that far away.

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 13/12/2018 14:05

My Dad was in hospital for a long time when my daughter was 7. Visiting time was two hours, but I used to just take her in for half an hour as she got bored sitting around. It was enough to see him and tell him her news. Luckily the hospital is quite close.

I think you did the right thing keeping DS at home with you. It's a long way in the car and a two year old won't want to sit quietly in a hospital after being cooped up in the car.