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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU I want my husband to stop smocking so we can have a baby

62 replies

jophie80 · 11/12/2018 05:18

So 3 years ago we took fertility tests and found out that my DH has a low sperm count and they don't move, the doctor said that his smocking likely contributes to this issue, and that he should stop.
I am in my late thirties and we have been trying for a baby for 5 years!
But whenever I try to have a sensible conservation about us having a baby, he simply tells me that he is not willing to change his lifestyle to have a baby and maybe this (being childless) is the best option for us.
BUT I know he wants children (I mean he gets happy every time I have had a miss period/think I am pregnant), and now his male friends are starting to have babies too with their partners, and I know how much that hurts him, as he has told me so. Yet he refuses to take a leap and try to stop smocking, nor does he want to consider IVF (through private health care), I have tried to get him to see a doctor but he has refused.
Also, You see he is younger than me, and I now want to have that conversation to tell him that look years 2019-2020 realistically are going to be the best years for me to have a baby, I am not worried about some fertility cliff drop (i know that is fear mongering), but I also don't want to have a baby in my mid-forties.
I am looking for advice about how best to approach this issue to get him to understand my position

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 11/12/2018 05:20

You can't change someone else's priorities he's made his loud and clear

Tim720 · 11/12/2018 05:26

I had no idea smocking was so bad for fertility

HappyPunky · 11/12/2018 05:26

People have babies into their 40s and it it's him that has the fertility issue and you are all clear and you want a baby it might be the best thing to end it and start dating again.
Make it clear quite early on that you are looking for a partner to have children with so you don't have your time wasted again
Alternatively, if you can afford private fertility treatment maybe you could go for it alone. It sounds like it's not you who needs the treatment and not him so you can go for a less invasive way without him as he doesn't want children anyway.
for you. Don't let him waste any more time if you want a baby xxx

olympicsrock · 11/12/2018 05:29

He is a dick. I am afraid he is selfish and won’t put you first. If you really want children you need to leave this man. Believe him when he says he doesn’t want children.

shesaysgoes · 11/12/2018 05:32

Just been googling smocking and fertility as I had never heard of it!

Smoking.....

knittedjest · 11/12/2018 05:42

I am afraid he is selfish and won’t put you first

Yeah, no, fuck that shit right off. Nobody else has to sacrifice literally the rest of their lives for your wants. Put you first and give you exactly what you want right now even though it's not what they want and will have a huge impact on the rest of their lives or else they are selfish? pfft, I don't think you understand the meaning of the word selfish. Nobody owes you a baby.

sonlypuppyfat · 11/12/2018 05:46

*knittedjest^ Bloody hell, have a bad nights sleep?

TanteRose · 11/12/2018 05:49

seems its the new American spelling

www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/dec/11/smocking-gun-trumps-latest-typo-prompts-derision-and-delight

KathyBates · 11/12/2018 05:49

It's not really fear mongering though is it!!

Leave him, he doesn't want a baby with you

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/12/2018 05:57

It’s smoking op. I don’t think he wants kids. If this is a deal breaker for you, you need to find a different partner and sooner rather than later for your fertility. You aren’t going to change his mind. Mine gave up for ivf. Then went back to it. Then stopped again. Then started again. And is stopping in the new year. Still going to vape though 🤬. All he had to do was stop smoking and wank in a cup. The shit I went through otoh!

I had no idea smocking was so bad for fertility . Don’t drink tea. But would have spat it out if I did &c. Just imagining ops dh with a needle and thread. Maybe he’s smocking his balls.

swingofthings · 11/12/2018 05:57

His stopping smoking alone is unlikely to make a massive improvement, not to the point of overcoming the fa t that each year, your fertility is decreasing. Yes you would most likely get pregnant with a very fertile man but combining his issues and you age makes the chances very low.

IVF is a difficult decision. You mention private rather than NHS. Is is because you're not eligible for NHS? Is it because you or he already have children.

Statistically, the chance of you getting pregnant with IVF means three goes and even then it's about 50% chance or so. This would cost £10k or more. Maybe he is seeing it from a less positive outlook and thinking that £10k for a 50% chance of getting pregnant and keeping it is not worth the gamble however much he'd love to be a dad.

Men can be more accepting of fate than us women a d he might just be telling himself that if its not meant to be its just to meant to be.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 11/12/2018 06:02

I too had a delightful image of the dh (dressed in a smock, of course) stitching away while his sperm suffered.

But seriously, if he CBA to give up smoking (which, let's face it, is disgusting on a number of counts) then that doesn't bode well for his engagement as a father, quite apart from the effects on his fertility. I agree with a PP that you won't be able to change his priorities. If you want a baby, honestly I would find someone else or (considering your age - more so if late 30s means 39 as opposed to 36) go it alone.

Oysterbabe · 11/12/2018 06:12

I agree that stopping smoking is unlikely to be a magic fix. Many smokers have babies without issue. If he's not prepared to engage with fertility treatment then he's likely not the man for you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/12/2018 06:21

If he doesn't want to change his lifestyle for you to fall pregnant, can you imagine what he's going to be like if you ever do have a baby?
Fucking useless, that's what.
He'll be out with his mates, smoking and whatever, while you're left at home holding the baby.

Do not bother trying to change him - unless he's actually willing to, and engaged in the process, it isn't going to happen.

So I agree that if you truly want a child, it shouldn't be with him.

Yes, you've left it a bit on the late side to find another partner/father for your child, but that has to be a better option than this selfish arsehole.

Coyoacan · 11/12/2018 06:22

He's an addict, just like I am. And addictions make us very selfish. No amount of nagging or lost opportunities have made me give up smoking, I'm ashamed to say, so your best bet is to give him up as a bad job and look elsewhere for someone to start a family with.

bluefolder · 11/12/2018 06:25

He doesn't want kids. You need to leave or accept that decision.

PouchofDouglas · 11/12/2018 06:26

Op. He doesn’t want children. (With you)

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2018 06:30

Even if he did give up you'd probably need fertility treatment (which you might be able to afford with the spare vash)

But he doesn't want either.

I think 2019 will bring decision time for you.

user1493413286 · 11/12/2018 06:35

Having a baby is a massive change of lifestyle; in some ways stopping smoking is a tiny change compared to how having a baby changes your life.
He does need to understand that your chances of conceiving will decrease and if he isn’t willing to make any changes you need to decide what’s best for you

Vicky1990 · 11/12/2018 06:39

I have read that in general men's fertility has decreased by a large amount over the past few years due to many reasons.
Smoking certainly, also mobile phones, this is due to the RF signal emitted from phones even when not been used, and carried in trouser pockets close to the testicals.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 11/12/2018 06:41

What would he be like with a baby? If your child had asthma would he smoke outside? Will he change his clothes, wash his hands, wait after smoking? Or will that also be too much of a lifestyle change for him?

donquixotedelamancha · 11/12/2018 06:41

AIBU I want my husband to stop smocking

YANBU. Smocks look ridiculous at the best of times, but if it's lowering his sperm count he's wearing it far too tight.

BettyCrook · 11/12/2018 06:46

Yeah, have a baby with someone else. or alone.

bengalcat · 11/12/2018 06:47

Him stopping smoking may or may not improve his sperm parameters . Many men who smoke and drink too much seem to have no problem fathering children . It sounds as though he's happy to coast and not ready to consider IVF/IVSI . For you it sounds very much as though his different stance / unwillingness to engage is a deal or no deal . In your position id be making my decision about whether to stay or go and firmly communicating that to him . The risk of losing you may lead him to reconsider his stance . For some assisted conception doesn't rest easy with them . As you say he's younger so he has more time on his side .

iLevictoiChete · 11/12/2018 07:02

he is not going to change. you need to choose between him and motherhood. if you choose him, be aware that if push comes to shove and he has to choose between your wellbeing and something he wants, he will prioritise himself not you, so the chances are you will be very lonely once you are old.

personally I'd be looking elsewhere for a decent man who wasn't so selfish.

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