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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU I want my husband to stop smocking so we can have a baby

62 replies

jophie80 · 11/12/2018 05:18

So 3 years ago we took fertility tests and found out that my DH has a low sperm count and they don't move, the doctor said that his smocking likely contributes to this issue, and that he should stop.
I am in my late thirties and we have been trying for a baby for 5 years!
But whenever I try to have a sensible conservation about us having a baby, he simply tells me that he is not willing to change his lifestyle to have a baby and maybe this (being childless) is the best option for us.
BUT I know he wants children (I mean he gets happy every time I have had a miss period/think I am pregnant), and now his male friends are starting to have babies too with their partners, and I know how much that hurts him, as he has told me so. Yet he refuses to take a leap and try to stop smocking, nor does he want to consider IVF (through private health care), I have tried to get him to see a doctor but he has refused.
Also, You see he is younger than me, and I now want to have that conversation to tell him that look years 2019-2020 realistically are going to be the best years for me to have a baby, I am not worried about some fertility cliff drop (i know that is fear mongering), but I also don't want to have a baby in my mid-forties.
I am looking for advice about how best to approach this issue to get him to understand my position

OP posts:

DisrespectfulAdultFemale · 11/12/2018 07:06

Yeah, have a baby with someone else...

..who spends less time doing needlework.

zippey · 11/12/2018 07:09

Why don’t you believe what he tells you? Its coming from his mouth - that he doesn’t want a baby if it means he has to stop smoking. Surely he will have to stop for a while before his smokey sperm become normal again.

Chalk this to experience and find someone else or risk being childless.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/12/2018 07:11

knittedjest how unpleasant are you? Need a fag or something

OP sorry to say but your partner is a twat. Time to seriously think about whether your future is with him.

BehemothPullsThePeasantsPlough · 11/12/2018 07:18

(Ignoring the frankly adorable spelling error)

Do not dismiss talk of fertility decreases as just fearmongering. It’s overstated to some extent in certain quarters as applied to women in their mid-late 30s, but past 40 your miscarriage rate really does shoot up. The “it’s just scaremongering” articles normally talk about chances of getting pregnant only, but a pregnancy is not a baby. Obviously many women do successfully have babies in their 40s, but many others can’t.

ThatWouldBeNO · 11/12/2018 07:18

He is not willing to change his lifestyle for a baby. That tells you everything you need to know - a baby causes just about every facet of your lifestyle to change, and he is having none of it.

I would imagine there are many other habits/hobbies/activities/vices he is also not prepared to change. As PP have said, you need to go it alone with IVF, or seek another partner who actually wants a baby and all they entail regarding lifestyle change.

swingofthings · 11/12/2018 07:22

He is not changing his lifestyle maybe because he is realistic that changing it won't give OP a baby. Even stress can affect sperm formation, so giving up smoking could do more harm.

Discussing ivf us another matter but again, he might be more realistic.

SelpMeGod · 11/12/2018 07:28

He is not willing to change his lifestyle for a baby. That tells you everything you need to know - a baby causes just about every facet of your lifestyle to change, and he is having none of it.

^^ this

It isn't about the smoking, he is telling you that he will not change "his lifestyle" or anything for a baby. I think this will mean that even if you did get pregnant he will never do any actual parenting because it is you that wants this baby so badly. I have seen this happen.

olivertwistwantsmore · 11/12/2018 07:36

I am not worried about some fertility cliff drop (i know that is fear mongering)

It's not fearmongering! It's true. The older you are, the less likely you are to conceive naturally.

Sounds like, even if you did get pg, your h would not be willing to change his lifestyle at all. Doesn't sound like he'd be the best dad...

Wheresthebeach · 11/12/2018 07:36

He's stringing you along.

ralphi · 11/12/2018 07:37

on the other hand when you do have a baby you will be thankful for those smocking skills!

FestiveNut · 11/12/2018 07:40

donquixotedelamancha

Some people are ideologically opposed to IVF, some would like a baby but it's not high enough up their list of priorities to sacrifice thousands of pounds, or smoking. I don't think you'll be able to change his mind on this point unfortunately.

Ceilingrose · 11/12/2018 09:04

Move on and find someone else.

Feefeetrixabelle · 11/12/2018 10:41

I’m childless. When my friends and family have children I’m thrilled for them, I love children to bits. I just don’t want any of my own. Sounds like your dh is the same. He doesn’t want to quit or make any effort beyond dropping contraception. If having a baby is a necessity to youit sounds like you’ll not be doing it with him.

Original poster

jophie80 · 11/12/2018 14:13

Thank you all for the comments. I really appreciate it.
You see the issue is that he really wants children, and perhaps that is why I am finding it difficult to understand why he doesn't want to stop the smocking. I appreciate now, that yes of course stopping smocking may not increase his sperm count.
But in the first 12 months after he found out he didn't want to talk to me about it at all. As he felt emasculated by the fact. And now as I say after 3 years he seems more willing to discuss the matter, although not yet willing to see a doctor again (about fertility) nor change his behaviour.
I guess I was hoping for some positive way to connect with him. But thank you guys you have made me realise that perhaps he doesn't want it that bad (or with me as you say).
TBH I am somewhat unsure if I really really want to push for a baby, but apart of me has been afraid that once he hit 40 he would suddenly think yes I want a child now, and perhaps that would mean him looking for another partner, as I would be 46 by that time. Hugs to you all who replied!

OP posts:

FestiveNut · 11/12/2018 14:18

So, do you really want a baby or do you just want to keep your DH with you? If it's largely the latter, I'd have a conversation where you tell him that and see what he says.

Bombardier25966 · 11/12/2018 14:18

Smoking!!!

StarlightIntheNight · 11/12/2018 14:20

There are many things that might cause his lack of sperm. Smoking is just one of them. Coffee, alcohol, baths, or if he uses hot tub or if he rests a laptop on his lap etc. I would google ways to promote health sperm, such as taking vitamins etc. Perhaps ask him to cut out smoking just for 6 months to see if it works and also to take vitamins etc.

StarlightIntheNight · 11/12/2018 14:21

Also, I used to be a smoker and never thought I would be able to quit. Once I got pregnant, gone went the cigarettes and I never smoked again. Its been over 7 years smoke free....so it is possible to quit and never miss it again.

morethanaword · 11/12/2018 14:38

I don’t think he wants children OP as much as he says he does as he would change.

I can sort of relate to this - I don’t want kids at all but my DH or maybe soon to be ex DH as we’ve split was adamant on having more kids and would cry. To try to get me pregnant he swapped my birth control with vitamin pills but please don’t try any stupid stuff like he did.

I wish you well and all the best but it may be worth exploring what you both want and go from there.

gamerchick · 11/12/2018 14:45

I am not worried about some fertility cliff drop

You think it's scaremongering? You don't believe in menopause even?

MrMeSeeks · 11/12/2018 14:50

am not worried about some fertility cliff drop
Really?id be thinking of my options if he doesn't want to give up smoking

Lazypuppy · 11/12/2018 15:03

smoking!!!

bluefolder · 11/12/2018 15:07

am not worried about some fertility cliff drop

agree with others that this seems quite blase. If you are late 30s (so I'm assuming maybe 37/38) then you should be concerned - yes, some people conceive into their 40s but the odds do drop off steeply at this age, whilst the risk of abnormalities etc. increase. You don't have a huge amount of time on your side.

FestiveNut · 11/12/2018 15:08

time.com/5475262/trump-smocking-gun/

Don't let PP get you down, OP. Even the president of the United States of America spells smoking wrongly.

alltoomuchrightnow · 11/12/2018 15:15

Smocking hot

AIBU I want my husband to stop smocking so we can have a baby

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