to expect my ex to have dd for alternate weekends.

[twinsetandpearls]

He currenty sees dd when he feels like it which is currently about one day a month. DD wants to see her dad more and as he does not pay any maintenance ( which is fine I don;t want or need it) I think he can contribute in other ways such as giving dp and I time to recover at the weekend from very tiring jobs which we need to do to support dd.

I asked him today to start increasing his accees and he was very non commital and his girlfriend ahd a whinge, can I see a solicitor to get access defined.

Blimey, there's an awful lot of us in the same boat, isn't there. How depressing

No you're not being unreasonable, but there's really very little you can do about it apart from to deny all contact so that you can renegotiate more contact.

He ought to be made to do community service for not having more contact with his DD. But that would be unthinkable, as snowwonder says, if it were the other way round the courts would decide they need to be involved in it "because it's a child's right" but when fathers can't be arsed to see their children, suddenly the child's rights are none of the court's business.

I wonder why?

Problem is, if there is a new mother feeling hormonal and protective about her own baby, if you do go the denying contact in order to facilitate more contact route, she might hijack it to ensure that he doesn't see his DD again. Some women are wicked like this. I wouldn't risk it, personally.

she is not a new mother, the baby is almost a year and we have been more than patient with her, for example not taking any maintenace, buying clothes for the baby as money is tight and even helping out with bills.

Sometimes couples fight in court not to have the children! They are interesting battles. I suppose if neither would have the children at all they'd have to go into care. In some countries people are obliged to have the children 50% of the time. In English law you can choose never to see your chidlren. Apply for a court order that he gets to see them once every 3 months and then if he wants more force the more on him may be?

Could you threaten him with maintenance if he doesn't see her

Oh blimey. Maybe she is just wicked then.

I think you need to sell it to her more than him by the sound of it. She needs to feel that the involvement of your DD with her baby, is a positive good thing, so that she welcomes your DD into her family rather than repelling her.

Is there any chance of that?

I wouldn't do that as I know how tight money is for them and I would not want to see their baby go without, I am also not happy with money from the company he works for fuding our family TBH.

I'm sorry for your dd. Makes me on her behalf and yours

I wonder how my ex explains his lack of contact to other people. Surely it's embarrassing and unusual.

They must feel like jerks most of the time. Down deep they know it

Xenia it's obvious - he tells everyone that you deny him contact.

And all the dumb fucks believe him.

you have been incredibly patient with them by the sound of it,
i hope they arent taking you for sa ride and pleady poverty, you sound like a lovly person,

i think though once you have tried everything you can then you may have to except it all the way it is, however sad it is for dd, although she will be fine- she has got you

Never a truer word VSS

A mutual friend of mine and the ex's once asked me why I didn't let him see ds, I was struck dumb

I don't really care if they are taking me for a ride and pleading poverty we don;t need the money but dd needs to see her dad.

The girlfriend's attitude is awful.

I'm "the girlfriend", and I have a daughter (2.7) with my partner who has two sons by his first marriage and we have regular arrangements to see his sons (every Tuesday night, every other weekend Fri-Mon, more than half the holidays and my partner sees the boys several times in the week for school drop-offs, lunches, at tennis etc). That's the deal when partners' have children from previous relationships - they are part of your lives and you make regular arrangements to fit them in and do things with them.

I'm taking my elder stepson to my parents' house for a week later this week (with my daughter but without my other stepson and partner) and my younger stepson and one of my nephews (my sister's son) are planning to go to camp together. I couldn't countenance a stepfamily that wasn't fully integrated.

THat's a good set up Anna. Not everyone can achieve it. I did once email my ex's parents who I do email and send pictures of the grandchildren to to mention it's a pity their son doesn't see more of the children - in 4 years he never contacted the older 3 and just sees the other 2 for 2 hours a week and 6 nights a year at his parents' house but they didn't reply to that part of the email. Obviously he's their son and they love him so it's not really for them to interfere but it's still strange.

Some men feel rejected by the whole family. Some only want contact if it's on their terms - English courts have a lot of cases of men who want the chidlren 100% of the time or not at all as a kind of control battle. Some think they're useless and the children are better off without them. Some find it too painful to be reminded of their ex partner/wife. Some just find it easier never to have children around so they can get on with a new life and forget the old. So I think there are many reasons and men fall into one or other category. Thankfully most love their children and see them regularly.

For me it's not the money eitehr (he doesn't pay anything) - it's that children should see both parents and parents should put aside their feelings to arrange that.

Actually I wonder if those that don't pay see less of the children. In England less is paid for the child to the resident parent depending on the number of nights the child spends with the non resident parent. So if you have them 50% of the time each neither pays the other.

I think for my ex part of it is the only way he could make things hard for me is not to help with the children as I work full time so that's the only kind of hold he has, withholding the help.

From my point of view, it would be silly to do anything than welcome my stepsons into my life and my own family, as well as enable the relationship between my daughter and her brothers (which is a source of great joy to all three of them).

But of course the real issue is the father - my partner wants to see his sons really often and be fully part of their lives and upbringing, and I couldn't do anything anyway to change that if I tried.

My elder stepson said to his father the other day "[My sister] is the very best present you have ever given me".

When the boys say that kind of thing, it just makes it SO much easier to love them and integrate them into our lives.

Anna, I think you have a wonderful setup and indeed, I really do think that if it wasn't for my ex's current wife, he wouldn't even bother with the twice a year that he manages now. I'm almost positive that she reminds him of his obligations.
Xenia, you make a very interesting point re; maintenance, as my ex has never contributed financially either, I wonder if you have 'hit the nail on the head'. I've never thought about it that way but, now you mention it, it may have something to do with it.

rantinghousewife - thank you, yes, we probably are pretty lucky in our stepfamily arrangements - they have evolved and improved over time and everybody concerned has really put a lot of work into making sure that we "blended". I certainly don't have any advice to give anyone on this issue - the difficulty is that, with all the goodwill in the world, if one person (an ex, a stepchild, whoever) in the whole family group doesn't play the game, the whole organisation will be very difficult to put in place.

Unlike a lot of men if I ever have to cancel his time with the boys (which is very rare as those 2 hours a week are the only thing he ever does for us and I always offer other days) he never minds. He sees being free of it as a bonus. Anna's husband is thankfully much more typical of men. Also I know two men whose wives won't see the children (children live with father) so it does work both ways round.

..partner, not husband..