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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL is suffocating

62 replies

twinmummyyeah · 10/12/2018 20:33

My mil has informed me she is coming down (she lives 4 hrs away) for about 5 days over Xmas. She stays with my sil as we don't have a spare room. The issue is she has text me to say she wants to come over on Xmas eve then come back to ours on Xmas morning to give my children their presents. I don't want her here on Xmas eve when they go to bed or first thing on Xmas morninf they wake up as they are precious moments I want to enjoy without her in my face!

She can come in the afternoon of Xmas eve but not as they go to bed! and can come say 10am on Xmas morning but not the second I open my friggin eyes.!

My resentment stems from her waiting at my house when I hadn't even got back from the hospital after giving birth, staying over At my house and being there when I woke up for my first Mother's Day and staying at mine and waking up for my first 2 xmases with my daughters. (I had fertility and waited years to have them) Im the past she has driven over at 8am when we are still in bed and calls up the stairs waking us up.
She suffocates her daughter up north where she lives and drives to her house at 8am every morning 7 days a weeks to see to their horses even though they don't want her to and they beg her to come a bit later and she has ignored them for years! So her reputation proceeds her! I want to friggin scream. she is suffocating and disprespectful and ironically she left her children for another man and left their father to bring them up! How do I handle this backhanded suffocating woman! My husband believe it or not would defend her!l against me. If I confront her she goes whining to my husband and we have a massive row! 😡😡

OP posts:
Hofuckingho · 10/12/2018 20:37

Your problem is your DH. You are quite within your rights to invite her when it suits you, however it's up to your DH to sort it out. You have to lay the law down with him and get him onside.

HildaZelda · 10/12/2018 20:39

I know how you feel OP. My MIL lives five minutes away and DH thinks the sun shines out of her arse. 2019 is going to bring a lot of home truths.

Maelstrop · 10/12/2018 20:41

Tell your DH it's a deal breaker. However, I would almost guarantee that she'll come over when it suits her anyway.

Why does she go to do the horses? 8 strikes me as late to turn out/feed or do they live out? I was up at 5.30 doing mine before I found the world's best sharer.

mimibunz · 10/12/2018 20:41

Get rid of your husband and his mum. Like a 2for1! You are going to have to be wicked about the whole thing. People like this don’t respond to anything but flat out rudeness. Or you can try to make her visit so deeply unpleasant that she leaves.

UnknownStuntman · 10/12/2018 20:42

The three do's.

EffYouSeeKaye · 10/12/2018 20:42

Talk to your dh. Work out a plan for Christmas Eve / Day that you are both happy with and then present it to mil as non-negotiable.

Eilaianne · 10/12/2018 20:43

MIL is not your problem.

DH is your problem.

Until you fix the DH problem and provide a united front, you are wasting your energy trying to fix MIL.

EffYouSeeKaye · 10/12/2018 20:44

And either get her key off her or change your locks. Letting herself in at 8am and shouting up your stairs is unbelievably rude.

NothingisForgotten · 10/12/2018 20:44

Install a dead bolt

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2018 20:44

At this point I would embrace the roll of the bad guy. Tell her AND your husband she will NOT be there late Xmas eve and she will NOT be over first thing Xmas morning. The fact that your husband doesn't support you is very worrying. Is your happiness of no concern to him?

Kolo · 10/12/2018 20:44

My MIL was staying with us for my son’s 1st birthday. On the morning of his birthday, as soon as he made a noise to alert us he was awake, she leapt out of bed, grabbed him from his cot and took him into her room to keep him to herself. I feel your pain.

Cherries101 · 10/12/2018 20:46

You only have to bear her for 5 days a year. You have 2 options. Think of it as a holiday for your sil and grin and bear it, or tell your DH to choose between you and her this Christmas and grin and bear it if he chooses her.

PirateWeasel · 10/12/2018 20:49

Yes, 100% get her key of her. And then just don't let her in if she turns up uninvited. It's like trying to discipline a little child... You need to stand firm and follow through until she gets the message. Can't your DH see how unreasonable it is for her to behave like this? Why are men often so blind to their mother's faults?? 🙄

Antigonads · 10/12/2018 20:51

She does the horses at 8 but they want her to do it later? I’m with MIL.

Peakypolly · 10/12/2018 20:56

Get rid of your husband and his mum
Then alternate Christmas’s they will have your DD’s to themselves?!?
Remember the DDs are her Grandchildren and maybe your DH and your MIL want to recreate the happiness of Christmas of yesteryear and include you in it.
So many on here have disengaged in-laws. I would try and embrace the love.

Alicatz66 · 10/12/2018 21:04

Awww .. poor MIL !
I'm 52 now and years ago I would've been outraged !!! ..
I don't have grandchildren yet but I hope I do one day ... she just wants to share the Christmas love !
At least your DH loves his mom .. that's a good trait !... you will be a MIL day
#TeamMIL Wink

Eilaianne · 10/12/2018 21:07

Embrace or share the love?
You posters telling the OP to suck it up do realise that a healthy relationship dynamic actually involves both parties consenting and being comfortable with the boundaries in place.... yup?

Why should the OP's wishes always come 2nd best to what MIL wants?

abbsisspartacus · 10/12/2018 21:09

Hmm team mil?

team rational tell your husband no Christmas nooky with his mom around? Or tell him not this year she has had last year time to alternate

Feefeetrixabelle · 10/12/2018 21:12

Divide and conquer is your friend.

Give her the timings. Dh will collect her at 1 for a delightful late afternoon buffet with the children. He will then take her back to sil at 6 after she’s helped spread some flour in the back garden to see if the reindeer have been. (Just giving her a little bit of the planning will help) then while dh is dropping her off you can bath and pj them ready to do the rest of the Christmas Eve crap.

Likewise dh can collect her at 10 on Christmas morning. I would again change things up. Let the children open stockings upstairs with you in bed then your presents downstairs. Then they will put all the stuff to one side get dressed and wait for mil to arrive either more presents.

Tell your dh you really want to make a fuss of mil this year so you want to make her arrival more of an occasion. If they are knee deep in plastic crap from the first round of presents they won’t even notice her arriving.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 10/12/2018 21:16

I think you should just be grateful she cares.
My mil doesn’t even acknowledge her grand kids exist.
Just say can you come at 8 on Xmas morning then have a shower and enjoy time to yourself whilst she watches kids (after you’ve seen the bright faces when they wake up at 7).
Just enjoy what she can offer rather than moaning about her.

FascinatingCarrot · 10/12/2018 21:19

@peakypolly
Although there are many disengaged in-laws (especially on here apparently) but as a GP myself I totally disagree with the rest.
As GP we are now extended family. This is the most magical time for parents and deserves to be private if they want it to be so.
Its not about GP's wishes - In fact I think we should look to build our own GP traditions.

twinmummyyeah · 10/12/2018 23:34

It's interesting that many of you say my husband is the problem in not supporting me. You are right, If he dealt with her I wouldn't be in this position.

I'm gonna have to be blunt and direct as this shit is making me feel anxious although i find it difficult to be that confrontational.

I'm juts dreading Xmas now and I don't want to feel that way. I want to relax and enjoy it with my daughters not be wound up the whole time.

Thanks ladies for your support. X

OP posts:
GreenDinosaur · 11/12/2018 00:00

My MIL would be round every bloody day if DH didn't make it very clear that we have our own lives and she needs to respect that or fuck off.

As the mother of an only son, I think it's nice that your DH is close to his mum but he really needs to stand up for his wife.

theworldistoosmall · 11/12/2018 00:24

She informed you?
Nope. You don't inform anyone. You ask. She could be the Queen of Sheba it's still rude to inform people of your arrival.

She can come over on Christmas eve but she needs to be gone by 5 or 6 pm. You need to tell her this. Same with the following day, give her a time that she can come.

She doesn't need a key. She's hours away so not like she needs to be an emergency key holder. That crap needs stopping now.

#teammil? Not a chance. You don't have to tolerate shit from people simply because you happen to be related to them.

Frankswife87 · 11/12/2018 00:26

Yanbu! You're very fortunate to have such a caring mil. Our kids don't know our mil not through our own fault, way too complicated to explain. Anyways enjoy your mil I wish our circumstances were different and our dd's had a mil in there lives Xmas Smile