MIL is suffocating

[twinmummyyeah]

My mil has informed me she is coming down (she lives 4 hrs away) for about 5 days over Xmas. She stays with my sil as we don't have a spare room. The issue is she has text me to say she wants to come over on Xmas eve then come back to ours on Xmas morning to give my children their presents. I don't want her here on Xmas eve when they go to bed or first thing on Xmas morninf they wake up as they are precious moments I want to enjoy without her in my face!

She can come in the afternoon of Xmas eve but not as they go to bed! and can come say 10am on Xmas morning but not the second I open my friggin eyes.!

My resentment stems from her waiting at my house when I hadn't even got back from the hospital after giving birth, staying over At my house and being there when I woke up for my first Mother's Day and staying at mine and waking up for my first 2 xmases with my daughters. (I had fertility and waited years to have them) Im the past she has driven over at 8am when we are still in bed and calls up the stairs waking us up.
She suffocates her daughter up north where she lives and drives to her house at 8am every morning 7 days a weeks to see to their horses even though they don't want her to and they beg her to come a bit later and she has ignored them for years! So her reputation proceeds her! I want to friggin scream. she is suffocating and disprespectful and ironically she left her children for another man and left their father to bring them up! How do I handle this backhanded suffocating woman! My husband believe it or not would defend her!l against me. If I confront her she goes whining to my husband and we have a massive row! 😡😡

Turning up at the crack of dawn, and letting yourself into your adult child's house, shouting up the stairs to wake everybody up is not on!

What's wrong with her coming later in the day? Why does she have to come early in the morning, when people are still in bed? All those defending this woman, would YOU do this? Why do you think this is ok?

Oh yeah, and those saying "You'll be MIL one day", how do you know we're not already? I have a grandchild, I have an ex-DIL. I also have consideration, and boundaries.

For all those saying OP should be more grateful and to let her MIL enjoy Christmas with them, she is not saying she can't. What she is saying is there are certain special moments that she is looking forward to as a mother that she doesn't want MIL muscling in on. That is not unreasonable. Too many grandparents on here seem to think they can re-live being parents when their grandchildren come along. I think that is incredibly selfish, they have had their turn, let their DC enjoy their children and have times where they have them all to themselves. I hope to be a MIL one day and posts like this remind me that as a Grandmother my role will be very different from mother but just as important. OP, lay down some boundaries, TELL her waht time she is leaving at on Christmas Eve and what time she is coming at on Christmas day and agree it all with your DH beforehand so you present a united front. The very best of luck!

I think saying she can come to both days is fine but she cannot dictate what times. Invite her for a nice lunch on Christmas Eve and maybe suggest something nice to do in the afternoon like baking a cake for the next day. But then she needs to leave at say, 5pm.

Christmas Day, as a ppm suggested, your husband can pick her up mid morning and she can come for lunch. I would suggest you let her be queen bee for the afternoon. We have my in laws over after lunch until about 6 pm. MIL HAS to be in charge so I am the life and soul of the party for the first half an hour or so then I slip off to the loo and then generally stay upstairs. I will tidy the mess from the morning, m aye are the beds, read my book etc. I'll pop back downstairs for a few minutes so as not to be too rude then disappear again. Then abut 5pm I start making "time to go home" noises. It will take them the best part of an hour to actually leave but they're usually gone by 6. Then I crack open the Baileys to celebrate!

M aye are = maybe make. Goodness knows what happened there.

I was also going to say that my DH is on board with the plan and will back me up with the going home noises, but if yours isn't then perhaps you should say that if MIL isn't gone by say 6, that you will go. It's not fair that you should have to share the whole day with someone you don't much like. I agree with some people saying that you would be unreasonable to say no to anything but there has to be compromise. Have you got a friend or relation you can spend the evening with if your DH won't support you?

YANBU

DP had MIL literally crying on the phone the other evening as apparently we don’t invite her round enough. We see her about twice a bloody week since DD was born! More than I see my own family and friends. It’s pathetic and drives me mad.

Sounds like I am not alone and Krusty kittens you summed it up well! I'm not saying she can't come over and enjoy the children it's juts not when they go to sleep on Xmas eve and then first thing in the morning the moment we wake up. I am not ousting my mil, as much as I would like to as I dislike everything she represents.

You have really made the laugh I am truly tempted to stay in a hotel over Xmas and avoid this crap to be honest!

As a few of you grandmothers are saying I am looking for consideration.I am determined to pull up clear boundaries now as to when she can come and not her timings.

Wish me luck! merry bloody Xmas hope you all manage to navigate Xmas without ending up in arguments with your in laws!

I am a MIl already.
I wouldn't dream of letting myself into my DDIL and Ds's house. Or turning up unnanounced, or expecting them to revolve thier lives around me, or change thier plans for me, or muscle in on their special moments by intruding.

Guess what - I have a really good loving relationship with my DDIL and I love her dearly.

Awful suffocating behaviour is nothing to do with being a MIL - it is to do with being a suffocating type of person (I've had suffocating friends, and partners - it is a personality type)

If your MIL left her children in their childhood, she is trying to replicate memories she didn't get to experience with her children vicariously through yours. But it's not your problem that she missed the boat.

t's not strange for her to want to sepdn some time with her grandchildren over Christmas, but she has completely overstepped the boundaries and is trying to control everything.

I wouldn't worry about being rude. I would tell her what is on offer (afternoon Christmas Eve, later in the day on Christmas Day) and tell her it is take it or leave it. And get your DH to fully back you up (expect tears and tantrums and be prepared to ignore them or to throw a bigger tantrum of your own )

It's not your fault she fucked off being a good mother herself so she's trying to muscle her way into your happy family.

I also want Christmas morning just for my little nuclear family. It's the one day of the year I want to get up and go sit downstairs with my cosy PJs and open presents and not wear a bra and not feel like I need to entertain everyone or keep up my public image. I told my husband we can do whatever he wants the rest of the day, but the morning is just us and our kids together.

Don't let her come over on Christmas Eve. Once she's there you will never get rid of her - go out somewhere maybe, like a Carol concert and let her come, but don't let her in the house or she will "accidentally" fall asleep on the sofa and you'll be stuck with her. 😂

I wish my mil could come and see us christmas day, unfortunately ill health prevents the ILs from driving up and back & they don;t want to leave their elderly cat overnight.

I'm sure she;s coming from a good place perhaps driven bu guilt at leaving your DH.

8am on christmas morning is quite late though. We're usually by 6.30 and DH is dynamited out at 7 if he hasn't stirred. that would give you plenty of time with the kids before she arrives.

Just be glad she wants to see you and your family

The horse issue is a red herring, if she is looking after the horses it is a sensible time to look after them, if not slightly on the late side for some.
If MIL was staying with you she should automatically be part of bed time or morning so it seems that she wants to stay with youbut because she doesn't she is having as much time as she can at your house.
Ultimately it isn't up to her how much time she spends at your house, it is up to you and your DH and the key issue is that you don't agree on this. You need to work out a plan together and stick to it, this is likely to be much harder due to their history and you may find it easier to include rather than exclude her from your families celebrations if you can't agree.

Just tell her that if she wanted Christmas morning memories she had her chance 30 years ago and she can come when she's invited and not before.