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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL is suffocating

62 replies

twinmummyyeah · 10/12/2018 20:33

My mil has informed me she is coming down (she lives 4 hrs away) for about 5 days over Xmas. She stays with my sil as we don't have a spare room. The issue is she has text me to say she wants to come over on Xmas eve then come back to ours on Xmas morning to give my children their presents. I don't want her here on Xmas eve when they go to bed or first thing on Xmas morninf they wake up as they are precious moments I want to enjoy without her in my face!

She can come in the afternoon of Xmas eve but not as they go to bed! and can come say 10am on Xmas morning but not the second I open my friggin eyes.!

My resentment stems from her waiting at my house when I hadn't even got back from the hospital after giving birth, staying over At my house and being there when I woke up for my first Mother's Day and staying at mine and waking up for my first 2 xmases with my daughters. (I had fertility and waited years to have them) Im the past she has driven over at 8am when we are still in bed and calls up the stairs waking us up.
She suffocates her daughter up north where she lives and drives to her house at 8am every morning 7 days a weeks to see to their horses even though they don't want her to and they beg her to come a bit later and she has ignored them for years! So her reputation proceeds her! I want to friggin scream. she is suffocating and disprespectful and ironically she left her children for another man and left their father to bring them up! How do I handle this backhanded suffocating woman! My husband believe it or not would defend her!l against me. If I confront her she goes whining to my husband and we have a massive row! 😡😡

OP posts:
Weezol · 11/12/2018 00:32

Change the lock as soon as possible.

agnurse · 11/12/2018 01:07
  1. Change the locks.
  1. Inform your DH that she WILL be leaving on YOUR schedule or you will be booking yourself and the children into a hotel on Christmas Eve and not telling him where you're going. Him and his Mumsie can have a nice Christmas on their own while YOU do something special with your children.
AlmostAJillSandwich · 11/12/2018 01:50

If she has a key take it off her, or lock from inside so she can't just let herself in regardless, don't answer the door to her until the time you tell her is acceptable.

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 11/12/2018 02:21

Personally I wouldn't want to impact the DC Christmas by tensions and upset that are going inevitably to happen if you refuse to have her there at certain times or change the locks etc. Also it sounds like however firm and clear you are with a boundary she will overstep! Not ideal but it sounds like you are dealing with entrenched behaviour dynamics that you need to manage not try and alter.

On Christmas eve before she comes I would do some of the traditions even if it means doing it quite early.

I would ask her what time to expect her on Christmas day and assume she will come half an hour earlier- then be sure to get up and do presents before then!!

The memories with the DC will still be special. Try and ignore her and give her jobs to do in the kitchen etc to get her out the way- maybe she needs to do an emergency present collect/ battery pick up or similar on Xmas eve (may be a gift for DH that you have stored at a friends so he can't go???) and you just happen to put santa mince pie out etc when she is out.....

Motoko · 11/12/2018 02:35

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! As a grandmother myself, I wouldn't dream of imposing on my GD's family on Christmas day.

It's also the height of bad manners to just inform people that you're going to spend Christmas with them, even if you're not sleeping there.

But, OP, it's definitely a DH problem you've got. And why does she have a key?

delboysskinandblister · 11/12/2018 02:47

get on sky scanner and book MIL a one way ticket to Fuckoffistan as her Christmas gift just tell her he kids will meet her there.

What is it with MILs and their narc sons that are so selfish and have no insight?
Either that or lace her first glass of Bucks Fizz so she can't ask for another Xmas Grin

StillMe1 · 11/12/2018 05:14

I had an H who absolutely refused to stop his mother's domineering behaviour. Her emotional blackmail knew no bounds. She even tried emotionally bkackmailing my parents. One day I got angry she never tried to emotionally abuse me again. When I told her son to leave my house she didnt want him back in her house. His mother is long dead. We are long divorced. He is now pulling the same carry on with the DCs. I am not arguing the point. I cant tell DCs any more. I just do my own thing but will not be available in the future.

Sirzy · 11/12/2018 05:30

But perhaps the husband doesn’t have an issue with it and wants to see his mum? I do think sometimes we forget that rhey don’t always have to agree with their wife!

Can a compromise not be found where it is either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?

Silkie2 · 11/12/2018 05:39

You could threaten DH that you will go away next Xmas if she comes over at the times she threatens.

Silkie2 · 11/12/2018 05:40

I mean all of you, not just OP going away!!

Warpdrive · 11/12/2018 05:52

I’m also thinking how lovely it is that she wants to enjoy the precious times together.

Maybe your family wasn’t like hers, so your patterns have coloured your expectations. And maybe that’s why you and your DH have a disconnect over it. Or maybe she missed out with her own kids and regrets her choices.

But how lovely for your kids, to be able to have grandma around for special times and to create memories together. Don’t you want that for your children?

zen1 · 11/12/2018 05:59

It is completely unreasonable for the MIL to have a key and let herself into the OPs house at will. No wonder the OP is on edge. Also, who informs someone that they will be coming to their house on Christmas Day without being invited? I’m surprised you haven’t blown up before now OP.

flumpybear · 11/12/2018 06:08

If tell her to hang on Christmas morning and you'll phone when you're up to come over with a 'don't come before' rider !

tillytrotter1 · 11/12/2018 06:19

But perhaps the husband doesn’t have an issue with it and wants to see his mum? I do think sometimes we forget that rhey don’t always have to agree with their wife!

Oh, very off MN message, 'she' decides what happens on their house, he is expected to have no opinion or say seems to be the MN mission statement.
I think your MIL sounds to be a pain but he is allowed a differing view, just once in a while!

Silkie2 · 11/12/2018 06:34

DH's devotion to his DM is surprising considering she chose not to bring him up. I would say he has carry over 'DM will do what she wants and we cant do anything about it' syndrome from his childhood.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/12/2018 06:47

Change the locks (unless you are one of those weird people who doesn't lock the door) and you and DH decide when to invite her. Nothing wrong with telling her it doesn't work for you and offering her times that do

Team MIL? WTAF? It's rude to invite yourself over like that. Normal people have boundaries and some manners.

cptartapp · 11/12/2018 06:55

PIL live next door to SIL and are like this. Coming round at silly 0'clock uninvited Xmas morning to watch the GC open presents. FIL sucking the joy out of it by making them do it slowly and writing a list of who got what. Just a snapshot of many years of overbearing behaviour which has beackfired spectacularly now the GC are teenagers. They are so fed up of their constant encroachment they leave the key in the door so their grandparents can't get in. No special bond there, just many years of frustration.

JWrecks · 11/12/2018 07:09

The Nan was like that when mine were young! She just had this 'thing' about mornings, sleeping past 7am EVER was unacceptably slovenly, and she was determined to always be the first to wish anybody a happy [whatever], so calling in at ungodly morning hours, often first light. She did that to everyone, adult or child, student or professional, day or night worker, 8 month old sleep refuser or not. Otherwise Nan was absolutely lovely (if a bit out there), but that shit was too much. Everyone just shrugged it off as one of her quirks.

Oh, and even if she was "wishing happy [whatever] first" I assure you her real motive was to make sure you were up. And some days, completely randomly out of absolutely nowhere, she would call or ring and come right out and SAY "well I just wanted to make sure you were up!" The cow!

Finally one very bloody early morning on my birthday, had JUST gotten sleep refuser down, was exhausted after a night shift, and couldn't have had 30 total minutes of sleep, and here comes that shout... followed immediately by the squall.

I was so absolutely furious, I told her off right there on the landing! I hissed and shouted (and I must have looked mental, haha) that she knew bloody well that I worked nights and had for ages, she knew that I was not just having a lazy lie in, and that she'd also very inconsiderately (hmm, actually, I don't think that was exactly the word I used there!) woken the baby who had only bloody JUST finally went down after a battle, and that she absolutely cannot keep doing this to me. There were more words in furious anger, and she had the nerve to look scandalised that I was unhappy!

BUT!!

She NEVER EVER AGAIN rang or called me early mornings, even after I got a job with day hours! AND I'd say within a year or two after I told her off, she actually stopped invading (shitting on) anybody's mornings! Genuinely, she did.

I suppose it's possible that she was simply, somehow, honestly oblivious to the fact it was a jarring, unwelcome, utterly unpleasant invasion. I am absolutely certain that I was the first/only person to ever have told her off for it. She may have done some thinking after that. Or she may have been afraid of getting shouted at by an insomniac madwoman in ripped old pyjamas, sunken eyes, and huge frizzy exhaustion hair again...

So, in short, try telling her off? And really letting it out, letting the half asleep and jarred version of you take over and do the talking. Perhaps she just doesn't realise how awful it is. It worked for me!

And, bonus, my entire family are all extremely considerate of sleep due to her traumatising us all for years and years, so nobody in even my extended relations would EVER dare ring anyone late or early unless it were a serious emergency.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck (and the best of sleep) with it. I know how infuriating and invasive it can be. /hugs

easyandy101 · 11/12/2018 07:15

I love how most people on here don't seem to realise that one day they're going to be be MIL Grin

SnuggyBuggy · 11/12/2018 07:17

I've no idea if DD is going to marry or not. If I do become a MIL I will try my best not to go psycho.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 11/12/2018 07:43

I chuckle to myself when I hear my two daughters complaining about their MIL's they both only have very wonderful sons themselves ....

Annandale · 11/12/2018 07:48

Oh easyandy don't be a knob. It's exactly because I will one day be a MIL in some form that I am shuddering at the idea of letting myself into my child's house without a by your leave. Who thinks that's ok? My mum has a key to my house but she only ever uses it by agreement when it suits both of us. She lived in two semis next to her MIL for years and has two words for these situations - consideration and boundaries. If you haven't got the first you need the second all the more.

Itsnotme123 · 11/12/2018 09:22

If you change the locks, will phone you from her car. So turn phones off too.

I had a Controlling MIL, SHE MADE MY BLOOD BOIL so I know how you feel. You just have to get DH on your side.

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2018 09:27

I don't think you're being very kind

She lives 4 hours away, so it's not like she's there all the time. It seems a bit mean to tell her specific times she can and can't come at Christmas. I wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round and my husband wouldn't let my mum be around past a certain time.

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 11/12/2018 10:16

Is she? Then perhaps you ought to take the pillow off her face?