To refuse to take these children without a car seat

[concernedforthefuture]

DC had a birthday party at the weekend which involved an out of town activity. The invitations asked parents to drop off / collect from our house and to provide a car seat. The children are in Yr 3 (7-8 years) and none of them are over 135cm. 2 of the 6 invitees arrived without a car seat 'because they don't use them anymore'.
I refused to take them . Unfortunately we don't have spares and neither did any of the other guests' parents. Legally the driver (me / DH) is responsible for ensuring that children have a suitable seat and I wasn't prepared to flout the law (not least because I drive as part of my job so can't risk any offences). Parents were put out, kids (mine and theirs) were upset and I felt awful. But WIBU?

You followed the law and were doing your best to keep the children safe following current guidelines. Some parents don't even insist on seatbelts and others don't bother with car seats. Your car your choice.

Perhaps ask them to drop at venue if they wish to travel without the current safety guidelines? You did your best and did ask them to provide them, strange that none bothered to inform you they didn't have/use them and just took it that it didn't really matter.

YWNBU

Well done op

Thanks all. I was a bit surprised when they said they don't use them. And actually I should've anticipated this as when I've dropped DC off for events where they've had a lift, I've always been met with a look when I've handed over a car seat. My eldest DC is 9 and only 127cm so we have a few more years of this I fear .
As for why I just didn't get the children dropped at the venue; we live rurally and the activity was in our nearest town which is 15 miles away (about 45 mins) . I felt IWBU to ask parents to travel and that it would be easier for us to drive them all there. Next year they can have 2 friends round to watch a movie .

i wonder if they actually use the car seat for your son I would be concerned. If they don't give a shit about their own kids safety...

Yanbu!!! Safety first plus you wrote it on the invitation

Are you sure none are over 135cm? Dd is year 3 and 148cm. She's tall. But a lot of her friends are over 135cm.

Fwiw I still use a booster for dd as the seat belt just fits better with one.

148cm in Y3 is enormously tall!

My daughter is 8yo and 133cm and one of the taller kids in Y3.

YANBU. Even at 135cm, most kids don't meet the criteria for SAFE use of a seatbelt. So many people are preoccupied with the law, rather than safety.

my now 10.5 year old wasn't over the height until she was over 10. My 8 year old is pretty average having had a growth spurt and is also not near the height limit, let alone considering weight. So I would never assume a 7-8 year old would be near enough 'ok'. Especially for a planned and not emergency journey.

You don't need to assume anything. You can measure the child. Some of my children's friends were close to 135 cm at 8 and if they didn't use a car seat when travelling in their parents car, I personally wouldn't have made a fuss about taking them in my car without a seat although it would depend on how short the journey was.

YANBU. Even at 135cm, most kids don't meet the criteria for SAFE use of a seatbelt. So many people are preoccupied with the law, rather than safety.

Yes, but if it's within the law I wouldn't go over another parents head regarding the safety of their own child. It's up to them.

Dungeondragon15 the OP had already said they weren't at the legal height.

I’ve got a friend who when giving her and her 4 year old a lift said ‘oh he won’t sit in a car seat’
So I asked him sweetly if he wants to walk in the rain with mummy or get in my car?’ ‘Okay car it is, jump in the car seat then there’s a good boy’

I was absolutely gobsmacked but I hid it well cause I didn’t wanna fall out with my friend but it is pretty shocking!!

Did the parents take their dc to the venue? I’d have stumped up for a cab tbh if it meant 2 of my child’s friends missing their party.

@BumsexAtTheBingo lol. We'd have been waiting an hour at least for a taxi where we live. Plus I wouldn't have sent the kids off on their own in the taxi and the adults were needed to drive, not accompany the kids with no car seats.

So did the parents just go home rather than take their kids to the venue then?

I’m glad to read this, as I feel like some kind of car seat gestapo at times! One mum at school was walking out when my son was in reception, we were leaving with both of our kids and she said “oh I have my car today” and put her reception aged kid in the front seat with just a belt! I blurted our something like oh my god you must be joking?? She wasn’t, and was a bit bemused and said that he likes it - as if that’s relevant! We’re on good terms but she will at occasionally that I’m militant about car seats, and other parents will pipe up that it’s ok sometimes, or again that their kid LOVES it and feels grown up. Who gives a shit, keep them safe and alive, it’s your duty as an adult. So yeah OP, I would have refused to take them.

@BumsexAtTheBingo one parent drove their child there, the other went home (with their child) as they didn't have time to drive them there (they had plans for the morning locally with their other DC).

Dungeondragon15 the OP had already said they weren't at the legal height.

She said that they weren't 135 cm but they might have been 134 cm which would be near enough for me.

Yanbu.

Although did you actually measure the DC? My ds has was 135cm just before his 7th birthday so we haven't used a car seat since then, same for a couple of his friends. They are now 8 and I think there's only one boy in his group of friends who would still need a car seat.

@Invisimamma no but as I know my DC's height and these kids weren't massively taller, I'm pretty sure they weren't tall enough.

I’ve just measured two tall year 3’s and they’re 134/135cm so just tall enough, but they’re amongst the tallest in their year (3 classes in the year) I certainly wouldn’t assume that most year 3’s are tall enough. I absolutely think you did the right thing, though I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to go against a parent and make a child miss a party...

No yanbu. Well done. Car seats are for safety. Who risks their child’s safety?

Surely one parent could have taken second child if they were so willing to risk no seats. Hope you were not left out of pocket and dc had a good party in spite of the upset.

YANBU I've similarly refused to drive a child who wasn't willing to sit in a car seat. His parents told me he was fine and that's he's big enough to not need a car seat. At the time he was at least 10 cm shorter than my 8 year old son, who was still using his car seat on account of not being at or over 135cm.

I'm still annoyed (understatement) that another school mum offered my son a lift to a party after school (she has 3 children and I didn't have room for all hers). I said I would take him as I would have to come to school to give her the car seat anyway. Apparently it was fine as she had a spare. Ok - thank you. Turns out she took him in the boot (estate car) with no seat belt let alone car seat. I was pretty appalled to be honest that she thought this was ok.

WHAT? How could anyone have thought it was ok to do that? I’m glad that your son was ok, but it easily could have been a different story. To actually lie to you about having a seat to use is even worse though - why not just let you take him as you were going to?!