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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take these children without a car seat

87 replies

concernedforthefuture · 10/12/2018 15:49

DC had a birthday party at the weekend which involved an out of town activity. The invitations asked parents to drop off / collect from our house and to provide a car seat. The children are in Yr 3 (7-8 years) and none of them are over 135cm. 2 of the 6 invitees arrived without a car seat 'because they don't use them anymore'.
I refused to take them Blush. Unfortunately we don't have spares and neither did any of the other guests' parents. Legally the driver (me / DH) is responsible for ensuring that children have a suitable seat and I wasn't prepared to flout the law (not least because I drive as part of my job so can't risk any offences). Parents were put out, kids (mine and theirs) were upset and I felt awful. But WIBU?

OP posts:
Orlande · 10/12/2018 16:51

Yanbu, it would have been a good idea to have spares, but totally unreasonable of other parents to expect you to take a risk legally.

greenpop21 · 10/12/2018 17:04

YANBU but you were a bit naive. I've had parents turn up very late, try to drop their other kids at the party too(when not invited) there will always be one. Next time ask parents to meet you at the venue or just party at home.

Dimsumlosesum · 10/12/2018 17:04

Well, them at risk of dying aside, isn't it something like a £400 fine if you're caught with a child sans car seat?

babysharkah · 10/12/2018 17:04

Why didn't you get them to drop at the venue, surely that would have saved all the angst? I would have preferred to drop mine at the venue tbh.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/12/2018 17:06

You had the right to refuse to take them but I think you were a bit over the top personally if they were 7 or 8 as they can't have been much under the height limit. It would be highly unlikely that you would get prosecuted. You could have argued that there was no room for everyone to have a car seat.

delboysskinandblister · 10/12/2018 17:09

Well done and no YWNBU the parents were. I do not have children but when I gave a lift to my friend and her 3 year old who hated the child seat I provided as 'she is not used to them' I didn't budge. I strapped her in and desite the crying and attempts to undo the buckle (i had checked using 2 fingers under the straps not too tight) and her vomiting. She remained in her car seat until she fell asleep. I was not prepared to harm the child or risk £500 fine. I had to wear child seat belts in the back when i was a kids and so will they. The parent so of the children are just lazy and for an easy life just thought they'd pass the buck and their 'parenting' skills to you. You were right and they were wrong.

EvaHarknessRose · 10/12/2018 17:11

At that age dd1 was going to a party and I duly supplied my car seat - party Mum looked suprised but happily put her in it in the front seat. She then got stopped by the police on the way to the party (mainly because she was carrying four in the back seat) and they would not let her proceed until her husband turned up with car seats for those that needed them. It ruined the party timings, obviously. And made me look insufferably smug to everyone, for being right, but never mind.

KingsScorn · 10/12/2018 17:16

YANBU

You clearly stated to bring a car seat - I wouldn't have given lifts either.

I'm still annoyed (understatement) that another school mum offered my son a lift to a party after school (she has 3 children and I didn't have room for all hers). I said I would take him as I would have to come to school to give her the car seat anyway. Apparently it was fine as she had a spare. Ok - thank you. Turns out she took him in the boot (estate car) with no seat belt let alone car seat. I was pretty appalled to be honest that she thought this was ok.

Snog · 10/12/2018 17:18

You could probably have been sued in the event of an accident, never mind that children would have been recklessly endangered by your actions. YWNBU.

MamaHechtick · 10/12/2018 17:23

YANBU.
Although I recently took friends of my son in my car for his birthday party and I had the spare seats as I know at least one of them doesn't sit in a seat in their own car, and he's 5! His mum said "oh he doesn't need a seat" but I said well I have them in seats in my car, funnily the boy loved that he could see out of the window as he can't in his car without a seat!

People just don't take car seat safety seriously.

BarbaraRoyale · 10/12/2018 17:28

I would have done the same OP
If they want to take a risk that's up to them , but they would not be dictating it to me

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/12/2018 17:34

My point is you can travel without a car seat at that age on occasion.

neddle · 10/12/2018 17:37

@onlyfoolsandmothers
Just because it’s legal on occasion doesn’t make it any safer.

‘Oh, I won’t crash into that other car, because the child in it isn’t in a car seat this one time’

Turquoise123 · 10/12/2018 17:37

Well you were clear in that you asked them to bring a car seat .

People are very odd about car seats - I found out that one of my nannies had been taking children without car seats using one of the exclusions as a basis. She did not seem to be able to understand that this brought her professional judgement into question. It's not just a question of what's allowed - it's what's the right thing to do for a child's safety.

JudgeyMuch · 10/12/2018 17:39

We were in the same situation recently (giving lifts to a party venue to a number of Y3 kids) - out of 5 only 2 brought their own seat (also none over 135cm). I had anticipated this though and has bought an extra spare booster and borrowed a couple from neighbours. Luckily we had the right number because I would have refused lifts too!

I don't understand it! Seatbelts are designed for adults and are not safe for small people without, ideally, high-backed booster seats or booster cushions at the least. ConfusedConfusedConfused

minisoksmakehardwork · 10/12/2018 17:44

@Dungeondragon15, my now 10.5 year old wasn't over the height until she was over 10. My 8 year old is pretty average having had a growth spurt and is also not near the height limit, let alone considering weight. So I would never assume a 7-8 year old would be near enough 'ok'. Especially for a planned and not emergency journey.

Orlande · 10/12/2018 17:45

My point is you can travel without a car seat at that age on occasion.

Only on specific occasions - an emergency, in a taxi, seat not fitting - and none of those exemptions apply to a planned journey in a private car with space for a seat.

Rachelle3211 · 10/12/2018 17:58

I don't think you were being unreasonable BUT you should have had parents either drop them off at the place or make it clear that if there is no car seat they won't be going.

Weebitawks · 10/12/2018 18:00

I would of taken them but I understand why you didn’t.

cancla · 10/12/2018 18:01

My point is you can travel without a car seat at that age on occasion.

Under the circumstances that you quoted, yes, you can. Not however, under the circumstances of the OP so not sure what your point is?

Kardashianlove · 10/12/2018 18:04

My point is you can travel without a car seat at that age on occasion.
Yes, legally you can, doesn’t mean it’s safe.

This wasn’t one of these occasions though so doesn’t really seem relevant.

Singerleon · 10/12/2018 18:09

YANBU

A friend of a friend lost her young son in a car accident because he wasn’t in a car seat. It was a ordinary 10 minute trip on local roads familiar to the driver who was a trusted relative. The sibling was in a car seat and was uninjured.

Having seen the damage caused by this I’d never ever take a child in my car without an appropriate car seat and wouldn’t give permission for my DC travel without one.

eightoclock · 10/12/2018 18:13

I have been asked to give a 2 year old a lift with no seat. I said no. The parents don't have a seat - they don't have a car either - but get lifts with family members without one.

I wouldn't want the massive fine which is the main reason. The chance of a life threatening accident on a one off short trip across town is vanishingly small. I've never crashed in the last 25 years. The child is much more likely to die of choking/allergies/getting run over etc etc.

MissEliza · 10/12/2018 18:17

Good for you for sticking to your guns.
My BIL has never used car seats for his dcs (9, 6 and 4). They live in a country where seatbelt laws aren't really enforced but we personally know several people who have lost children in car accidents due to this (honestly). It's about safety not the law. He wanted to take my dd on a birthday treat last year when we were visiting. I said to my dh he better bloody make sure dd was in her booster seat even if his weren't. I also pointed out that to transport four dcs and two adults he'd need two cars. Dd did sit in her booster seat but even she said she couldn't believe her younger cousins weren't belted in and the youngest was on her mum's lap in the front. AngryAngryAngry
People with such a reckless attitude really make me see red mist

Yinv · 10/12/2018 18:21

Yes you were right not to take them. However, I would have made it crystal clear on the invitation “please provide a car seat for your dc, otherwise I will not be able to take them”
People ignore stuff on invitations all the time and I would have anticipated this.

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