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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP won’t let me drive his car

109 replies

Hikers · 10/12/2018 09:14

This has started becoming an issue that we’ve argued about a few times and I need your help to know whether AIBU in which case I will drop it, or if he is.

DP has a Freelander (4x4) and I have a Corsa (small hatchback). Due to the layout of the parking area behind the house we have to park one behind the other, obviously whoever happens to be first that day is then blocked in.

The first time this came up as an issue was when he was working from home one day and I needed to pop out with two year old DD. I just needed to go to the shops quickly and I was the one blocked in so I suggested that rather than him moving his car for me and me having to move DD’s car seat back in to my car that was in his, I could just take his car. (We both have our own fully comp insurance so are permitted to drive anyone else’s car) He said no. I said why. He just said no it’s fine, I’ll just move the cars. I said but why? And also it means I have to move the seat. He just said no. So getting frustrated I persisted in asking for a reason, which he refused to give. I eventually got quite pissed off at this and we had a row about it but he refused to say why so I eventually gave up.

For context, he has driven my car multiple times, including abroad (fully insured obvs) and I have been driving over twenty years, have never had an accident (unlike him) have driven all types and sizes of vehicles including vans, I’m a very confident and experienced and careful driver. My manoeuvring and parking skills are better than his too!

This refusal to let me drive his car has come up a few times since but I didn’t push it but today has really annoyed me as I need to pick up a bed for DD that I suspect won’t fit in my car. He said he could do it after work (from home) but I would prefer to get it in the day while it's light etc, I can get childcare for DD and it gives me time to asssemble it. So again I suggested taking his car. Again it’s been no, and when I’ve asked why, and explained that it makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me with it, he just keeps saying “no it’s not like that, it’s nothing () can we just drop it it’s really irritating” so I’ve left the room before I get properly pissed off.

I know it’s his car and he can say no if he likes so prepared to be told IABU, but the lack of a reason is pissing me off and also it’s fine for him to drive mine?

What do you think?

OP posts:

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/12/2018 12:01

DH and I are both named on each other's policies. We either drive the car at the bottom of the driveway, or the size of car that best suits the journey (so if going to the hospital, DH will drive my tiny car to increase his chances of getting a parking space, rather than our huge 7-seater).

I guess, the cars aren't really his and mine. I did choose the little car as I was using it for work but DH test drove it with me. It's only mine as I usually drive it. The larger car is known as DH's but we chose it together and in fact he didn't want to buy it until he test drove it, so really it was my choice!!! He drives it most regularly as it's more comfortable for motorway driving on his commute.

I would get two car seats though. It revolutionised things when DH and I moved to two cars. I would stop him driving your car though (unless it suits you) and I would make sure he's named on the policy if you do otherwise you're probably only insured third party.

Eliza9917 · 10/12/2018 12:04

mum11970
You’ve got to be kidding, it takes two seconds to adjust the seat and mirrors.

Not to get them back in the exact perfect position it doesn't. It's taken me 2 weeks of fucking about with my seat to get it back where its perfect.

cancla · 10/12/2018 12:40

Fully comp insurance doesn’t insure you to drive anyone else’s car at all, not even 3rd party. You will be driving uninsured. I know someone who thought the same as you, was pulled over and ended up with a driving ban. I believe it used to be that you could do that but the rules were changed at least 5 years ago.

Some polices do still give DOC. There are no 'rules' that changed. It used to be a more common thing to be part of a fully comp policy, now it's not so. But it is still something that is available and many people will have it on their polices. The someone you know who got banned should have checked their policy before driving someone else's car.

dippledorus · 10/12/2018 12:46

Rules definitely weren't changed to debar it - I have it on my policy, and use it very occasionally to drive my DS's car (and he drove mine for me one day, he has it on his too)

dippledorus · 10/12/2018 12:49

You’ve got to be kidding, it takes two seconds to adjust the seat and mirrors.

I can adjust my seat up and down and back and forward and the seat back up and down and the lumbar support and the steering wheel up and down and back and forward and the mirrors.

it takes forever to get them all set back where I like them.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 10/12/2018 12:53

My ex was like this. I let him use my 4x4 whenever he wanted. If I asked to drive his bloody Audi TT it was a big fat no!

Once my car wouldn't start when I was going in for a night shift. He drove me into work in his car and then I had to get a taxi home. Even though I'd have been back the next morning before he needed to leave for work 🤷🏽‍♀️

cancla · 10/12/2018 12:55

I'm laughing a bit at the idea it takes 2 weeks to return the seats and mirrors to the preferred position. I often drive 5 different vehicles over the course of a week, being fleet vehicles, other people drive them too. I literally get in, move the seat/steering wheel and the adjust the mirrors. 2 minutes, if that!

Eliza9917 · 10/12/2018 12:59

Yeah well, I'm very particular.

TheDarkPassenger · 10/12/2018 12:59

I’d check your policy anyway as usually fully comp means the other car has to be the same sized engine or lower. It catches people out a lot but it stops people insuring a clio and driving round in a kuga.

Looneytune253 · 10/12/2018 13:00

Usually when your policy allows you to drive someone else’s car it has to be a smaller one than your own I think. Plus it’s only usually for emergency use too. Me and dh are named drivers on each other’s cars.

Undomesticgodde55 · 10/12/2018 13:00

To be fair if I had a Range Rover I wouldn't be letting anyone drive it 😂 just look at it as if someone bumped into you, you would only be insured third party and would have to fork out a lot of money. If someone bumps into him he's fully insured.

My dads the same, I've got more driving quals than him including blue lights on a regular basis and he still won't let me touch his Land Rover. 🤷🏼‍♀️ his choice it's his baby and his car not mine.

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 10/12/2018 13:04

People have his and hers cars? We just have cars. And share them, because they belong to both of us.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 10/12/2018 13:09

We are on each others insurance as a named driver. We use whichever car is appropriate for the journey.

Craft1905 · 10/12/2018 13:11

Not sure why he’d be precious over a Freelander - the newest is over 4 years old and they were absolute pieces of shit when they were new

Exactly right, it's not even a decent car. Just a badly assembled bag of bolts.

Topseyt · 10/12/2018 13:14

We don't normally drive each others' cars. It has never been a conscious decision not to (and we sometimes used to) but he likes his and I like mine. He wants his large (size of a tank) estate in order to be able to put his bike in the back some days, and I prefer my smaller hatchback.

We do give each other lifts occasionally. If we go out as a family (rare now that the DDs are virtually grown up) then we go in his car because of the space and he drives.

Doesn't bother me at all. I have no burning ambition to drive his car. I'm happy with just my own.

testinginging · 10/12/2018 13:14

Freelander's are fine little 4x4s.

Why can't he have something that's 'his'?

masterandmargarita · 10/12/2018 13:18

His and hers cars seems a bit territorial. Just share!

Craft1905 · 10/12/2018 13:19

Freelander's are fine little 4x4s.

Only someone who puts an apostrophe in a plural would think that. They are garbage. So many far better alternatives out there.

RomanyRoots · 10/12/2018 13:26

Get a better car than his and don't let him drive it.
Is he a wanker with other things too, or just the car.
Maybe, he has something to hide, it does sound very strange.

AnotherEmma · 10/12/2018 13:28

"So he trusts you with his child, but not his car? Those are some fucked up priorities he has there!"

THIS

A couple with children should be a TEAM, this means SHARING.

If you had two identical cars both with child car seats in them, fine to have "mine" and "yours". But if the cars are different, you need to both be able to drive both cars if necessary (ie bigger car when space is needed).

He doesn't sound the type to be generous about sharing finances/bills fairly or care about legal/financial protection for his partner if she has reduced her earning power to look after his child.

TheSerenDipitY · 10/12/2018 13:54

@mum11970 exactly,
we both have our preferred car, which we call "my car" but all the cars are owned by the family and can be used by the family, and depending on the day i might want my manual sporty Rover, or his big manual Subaru for fitting in all the fortnights shopping or i might want to take the teenagers little tiny automatic shopping basket, ( but never the auto Subaru, which is identical in every way to the manual, other than the transmission) oh and the teenager being a modern teen can only drive the auto so she doesnt get a choice of which car to use

PumpkinKitty82 · 10/12/2018 13:59

That’s just weird ! My dh is always trying to encourage me to drive his Mercedes but I’m too worried I’ll do something to it so just drive my own .

Craft1905 · 10/12/2018 14:10

oh and the teenager being a modern teen can only drive the auto

Every teen I know took a manual test. Are they old fashioned teens?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/12/2018 14:16

I’m afraid I’d start being very petty and not letting him use my car. I’d also make him sort out another car seat for your dc.

Next time you need to go out, make sure yours is blocked in, maybe late at night (you need milk) and he’s all settled in, pjs on, decent tv programs, then ask him to move it to let you out. I’d make it my personal mission to keep doing these things.

explodingkitten · 10/12/2018 14:39

I'd hide his keys and start looking around for condoms in his car when he's out. Or make a pretty big row that he won't get them back till he gives a real reason.

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