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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP won’t let me drive his car

109 replies

Hikers · 10/12/2018 09:14

This has started becoming an issue that we’ve argued about a few times and I need your help to know whether AIBU in which case I will drop it, or if he is.

DP has a Freelander (4x4) and I have a Corsa (small hatchback). Due to the layout of the parking area behind the house we have to park one behind the other, obviously whoever happens to be first that day is then blocked in.

The first time this came up as an issue was when he was working from home one day and I needed to pop out with two year old DD. I just needed to go to the shops quickly and I was the one blocked in so I suggested that rather than him moving his car for me and me having to move DD’s car seat back in to my car that was in his, I could just take his car. (We both have our own fully comp insurance so are permitted to drive anyone else’s car) He said no. I said why. He just said no it’s fine, I’ll just move the cars. I said but why? And also it means I have to move the seat. He just said no. So getting frustrated I persisted in asking for a reason, which he refused to give. I eventually got quite pissed off at this and we had a row about it but he refused to say why so I eventually gave up.

For context, he has driven my car multiple times, including abroad (fully insured obvs) and I have been driving over twenty years, have never had an accident (unlike him) have driven all types and sizes of vehicles including vans, I’m a very confident and experienced and careful driver. My manoeuvring and parking skills are better than his too!

This refusal to let me drive his car has come up a few times since but I didn’t push it but today has really annoyed me as I need to pick up a bed for DD that I suspect won’t fit in my car. He said he could do it after work (from home) but I would prefer to get it in the day while it's light etc, I can get childcare for DD and it gives me time to asssemble it. So again I suggested taking his car. Again it’s been no, and when I’ve asked why, and explained that it makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me with it, he just keeps saying “no it’s not like that, it’s nothing () can we just drop it it’s really irritating” so I’ve left the room before I get properly pissed off.

I know it’s his car and he can say no if he likes so prepared to be told IABU, but the lack of a reason is pissing me off and also it’s fine for him to drive mine?

What do you think?

OP posts:

PoisonousSmurf · 10/12/2018 10:45

DH and I are named on each others policies. I don't really like DH driving my car because he a) drives like a maniac and I'm likely to get speeding tickets come up on my car reg and b) he parks in dodgy areas and has got dents on my previous cars and c) he blew up a couple of my cars with his fast driving.
So no...I don't let him drive. I don't drive his car either because it's horrible to drive and the automatic handbrake keeps failing on hills!

PoisonousSmurf · 10/12/2018 10:46

But in emergencies, we have to 'suck it up'.

Tartyflette · 10/12/2018 10:51

We don't have his'n'hers cars, we just have cars.
Because they're both ours . And my DH stood up beside me in church and said 'With all my wordly goods I thee endow'.
I usually drive the bigger and better one anyway.

Saracen · 10/12/2018 10:51

I think he's being ridiculous in view of your excellent driving record. Agree with everybody else that you may well be mistaken in thinking you are insured to drive his car, but your dh must also have this mistaken belief or he would have said that was the reason.

However, we all have our quirks. If everything else is fine in your relationship and this is literally the only thing he won't let you do, well, personally I think you should humour him. The two of you can afford separate cars and he wants his to be specially for him. He's the one most inconvenienced by his preciousness over his car. He was willing to go fetch the bed. He's willing to jump up and move his car to let you out when his car is blocking yours. This must be very important to him. Indulge him over it.

mum11970 · 10/12/2018 10:52

Can’t believe people are so precious that their other half doesn’t drive their car. We just use whichever car is most convenient. Dh used mine last week and managed to smash the rear screen, so I’ve had a cold and draughty car for 8 days but hey ho, it should be fixed today. Just as well dh doesn’t mind me driving any car as we work in the motor trade and he’s had me pick up little hatchbacks, range rovers, bentleys, cherry pickers and horseboxes.
As PPs have said check your insurance because it is unlikely you are insured to drive his car unless it is specifically stated on his or your insurance. It used to be standard that a fully comp driver could drive another car 3rd party but it is very rare these days and is normally something you have to request and pay extra for.

SusannahL · 10/12/2018 10:55

Could there be something hidden in his car he doesn't want you to find, and not necessarily Christmas related?

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/12/2018 10:55

I would want to know what he’s hiding in there that he doesn’t want you to see.....

FestiveNut · 10/12/2018 11:08

I always equate the larger cars with mums. Every baby group I go to has a car park rammed with 4 x4s, so I'm not sure it's a sexist thing. He is probably just a control-freak when it comes to the car.

SusannahL · 10/12/2018 11:11

Cross posts Queen !

Sadly I have read enough posts on here of items secreted away in cars, which always makes me suspicious in cases like this.

Eliza9917 · 10/12/2018 11:13

@mum11970 Mon 10-Dec-18 10:52:57
Can’t believe people are so precious that their other half doesn’t drive their car.

It's a nightmare to get the seat & mirrors back where they should be.

Autumnbloom · 10/12/2018 11:16

I know of a lot of women that are 'not allowed' to drive their partner's car (usually the nicer and more expensive one). I think much of it is to do with deep seated misogyny.

My car is practical and economical, and if DH has the kids, he uses it. He does encourage me and is perfectly fine with me driving his 'mid-life' crisis. Recently took it on a 300 mile trip (on my own would you believe). I don't think he would dare tell me I wasn't allowed to drive it though, but Tbf I don't think it would cross his mind to say that anyway!

Littlegoth · 10/12/2018 11:17

Fully comp insurance doesn’t insure you to drive anyone else’s car at all, not even 3rd party. You will be driving uninsured. I know someone who thought the same as you, was pulled over and ended up with a driving ban. I believe it used to be that you could do that but the rules were changed at least 5 years ago.

MadelineBeggs · 10/12/2018 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

anniehm · 10/12/2018 11:19

If you live at the same address and are married or live as partners you must be listed as a named driver. Third party coverage is only for occasional emergency use, not cars you reasonably may drive.

MyKingdomForBrie · 10/12/2018 11:20

He's a dickhead. Mostly for not explaining why, if it's pure sexist bullshit he should just stand up and say it, not saying it means you can't fight it and he's a coward.

SlowlyShrinking · 10/12/2018 11:21

When I worked for a car insurance company, drivers were covered to drive another car they weren’t insured on, but it was third party only cover. This was only meant to be used in emergency situations (like the driver being taken ill and unable to drive). It didn’t cover driving a spouse’s car though.

SlothMama · 10/12/2018 11:21

If his arguement is that you're not on his insurance then I would agree with him. I don't let people drive my car third party either, I need my car for my job and it would be much more hassle getting my courtesy car etc.

However you should be on each other insurances for circumstances like you just mentioned. My brother and his partner are like this and only he is on her insurance because he doesn't want her to drive his crappy old focus!

JuniLoolaPalooza · 10/12/2018 11:21

I'd have to get a reason!
We have a big car (his) and a little car (mine). But as I drive the kids around all day I drive the big car more. Ideally, both cars would be in both names. The fuel comes out of the joint account for both cars.
I think he's being a bit of a dick. I wouldn't let him drive my car and if we were going out I'd make him take his car & drive it home!

AnotherPidgey · 10/12/2018 11:22

We rarely drive each others cars as we are proportioned differently. My mid-sized car feels like a dinky to DH. I find his large German cars are very badly designed for short women with their stupid accelerators that pivot from the ground. Fine for his size 12s, really awkward to control for my size 2s. The current one is automatic so it's really awkward for me to adjust to. We will drive them if there is a reason for it to be more practical. He drove mine more rather than swapping the infant carrier around. I might drive his for a leg of a long journey or so he can have a drink.

Not being "allowed" to drive the other's car, particularly if it's inconvenient due to parking, vehicle sizes etc, is odd. Named driver makes little difference to the cost of a policy anyway.

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/12/2018 11:23

Sadly I have read enough posts on here of items secreted away in cars, which always makes me suspicious in cases like this.

Exactly. As soon as a woman posts on here that she suspects an affair she is very quickly told to go and search her DH’s car for a hidden second mobile phone....

TheSerenDipitY · 10/12/2018 11:39

wow the dp's on here just boggle the mind
i have a car, my husband has a car, we have a spare car ( dont ask) and the teenagers car is here... if im going out, the only consideration is which car has the most fuel and thats the one i take (its all paid from the joint account), he would only ever ask me not to use "his" car if he needed to use it and i wouldnt be back in time for him to do so, but if i was out already he would use one of the million others he has to chose from... and when he finished rebuilding "his" car after his test drive, he insisted i drive it too ( even though i was more meh its just a fucken car i dont need to right this instant-apparently it was imperative that i do so and marvel in its splendor etc etc)
Now if he told me i couldnt use "his" car like ummm ever or that i needed to ask to use "his" car you better believe i would use that car every single day and all bloody day long, he would need to ask me if he could drive it!

mum11970 · 10/12/2018 11:51

mum11970 Mon 10-Dec-18 10:52:57
Can’t believe people are so precious that their other half doesn’t drive their car.

It's a nightmare to get the seat & mirrors back where they should be.

You’ve got to be kidding, it takes two seconds to adjust the seat and mirrors.

JustABetterPlayer · 10/12/2018 11:52

I don’t like my wife driving my car as while I’m no saint she is not as good a driver. Plus she parks it in normal spaces when she goes shopping, not at the back with the boy racers where it is safest . That’s not misogyny just a realistic appraisal of her driving.

mum11970 · 10/12/2018 11:55

TheSeren we’re the same as you. Dh has multiple cars, I have a car, dd has a car and so does ds, when he’s home. The only one dh and I don’t drive is dd’s and that’s only because she has a black box in it. Out of the others it’s just whichever is convenient, the only consideration is if one of us needs the things in the car.

RandomMess · 10/12/2018 12:00

I would tell him he needs to buy another car seat for in his car seeing as though he insists on inconveniencing you but not allowing you to drive his car

Why don't you get a 2 seater just got you and DD

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