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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP won’t let me drive his car

109 replies

Hikers · 10/12/2018 09:14

This has started becoming an issue that we’ve argued about a few times and I need your help to know whether AIBU in which case I will drop it, or if he is.

DP has a Freelander (4x4) and I have a Corsa (small hatchback). Due to the layout of the parking area behind the house we have to park one behind the other, obviously whoever happens to be first that day is then blocked in.

The first time this came up as an issue was when he was working from home one day and I needed to pop out with two year old DD. I just needed to go to the shops quickly and I was the one blocked in so I suggested that rather than him moving his car for me and me having to move DD’s car seat back in to my car that was in his, I could just take his car. (We both have our own fully comp insurance so are permitted to drive anyone else’s car) He said no. I said why. He just said no it’s fine, I’ll just move the cars. I said but why? And also it means I have to move the seat. He just said no. So getting frustrated I persisted in asking for a reason, which he refused to give. I eventually got quite pissed off at this and we had a row about it but he refused to say why so I eventually gave up.

For context, he has driven my car multiple times, including abroad (fully insured obvs) and I have been driving over twenty years, have never had an accident (unlike him) have driven all types and sizes of vehicles including vans, I’m a very confident and experienced and careful driver. My manoeuvring and parking skills are better than his too!

This refusal to let me drive his car has come up a few times since but I didn’t push it but today has really annoyed me as I need to pick up a bed for DD that I suspect won’t fit in my car. He said he could do it after work (from home) but I would prefer to get it in the day while it's light etc, I can get childcare for DD and it gives me time to asssemble it. So again I suggested taking his car. Again it’s been no, and when I’ve asked why, and explained that it makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me with it, he just keeps saying “no it’s not like that, it’s nothing () can we just drop it it’s really irritating” so I’ve left the room before I get properly pissed off.

I know it’s his car and he can say no if he likes so prepared to be told IABU, but the lack of a reason is pissing me off and also it’s fine for him to drive mine?

What do you think?

OP posts:

WidoWanky · 10/12/2018 09:46

His car means more to him than you do. LTB.

LucieMorningstar · 10/12/2018 09:46

@ReanimatedSGB

😂😂😂

Original poster

Hikers · 10/12/2018 09:46

I’m pretty sure he is a named driver on mine, fairly certain we did this when sorting holiday insurance, but I’m not on his - doesn’t seem much point really now as it doesn’t look as though I’ll ever be allowed to drive it!

OP posts:

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 10/12/2018 09:50

He thinks you're a shit driver because you're a woman but he's too much of a coward to come out and say it.

Fully comp insurance does NOT automatically mean you are insured to drive other cars. Some allow 3rd party cover, but a fair few do not.

79andnotout · 10/12/2018 09:53

My OH is like this too. I'm by far the more experienced driver, and I do pretty much all our driving, and I have the bigger/nicer car, but he wont let me use anything of his pretty much. He says I don't treat things with enough respect. He is probably correct, I think I handle everything a bit rougher than he does, go over speedbumps a bit harsher, etc. So although I don't speed, never have any accidents, don't drive up anyone's arse and am a great driver who is very aware of the road, I probably create more damage to the cars suspension, tyres, etc as I just don't really care about these things. And as he'd have to pay for them, he's thinking about that.

swingofthings · 10/12/2018 09:54

It's obvious! Even though you consider yourself a good driver, he doesn't agree but won't tell you because he knows it would lead to another bigger argument!

My OH is always criticising my driving and I do the same with his. We both have excellent records, we just drive differently.

Saying that he let's me drive his car - making a point to joke telling me not to crash it, and I do the same.

DoJo · 10/12/2018 09:56

So he trusts you with his child, but not his car? Those are some fucked up priorities he has there!

BlueJava · 10/12/2018 10:03

I think I'd accept it - but everytime his car needed to be moved he'd do it, everytime a journey needed a bigger vehicle he'd do it. Saves your fuel and car :) but his behaviour is weird. We are the opposite, my OH doesn't like driving my car (says it is too big), I do drive his and will be soon teaching our sons to drive in his car. See, you DP could have it worse - 2 learners! :)

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2018 10:09

DoJo
Good point. I’d call him out on that one. Preferably via text so it’s in writing and he can fully come to grips with his ridiculous attitude. Maybe add Reanimateds comment. Really like this thread. Sorry your dp is being an arse.

Lost5stone · 10/12/2018 10:09

I find this a bit odd to be honest. It would never occur to me to even ask DP if I can drive his car, I just take the keys. We are named drivers on each others policies but there was never a discussion on this, just when we renewed and were living together it made more sense.

Is he hiding something in the car? If it's recently this has come up, does he have your Christmas present in there?

Original poster

Hikers · 10/12/2018 10:10

I think I will have to accept it, he obviously just doesn’t want to share his toy . But yes in future if there’s a choice I’ll suggest we go in his car as it’s so much nicer and he’s so much of a better driver. And it’ll be his fuel we’re using

OP posts:

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 10/12/2018 10:12

Yes, and he won't be able to have a drink over Christmas if it's his car you're all in and you can't drive it.

AlletrixLeStrange · 10/12/2018 10:13

I don't let my DP drive my car. Never have, probably never will. I don't really know why! To be fair I'm not sure he'd know how to turn the engine on but apart from that he's not crashed his own car since I guided him back into a wall whilst trying to park and I've had far too many accidents myself but it's mine and I like it just being mine. Plus, moving the seat back is annoying that's what I'm telling myself. So yes, I'm kind of with him but I can give no reasonable explanation for it. (To be fair though, I don't drive his either it's not as nice as mine).

Trinity66 · 10/12/2018 10:14

My DH has a really nice car and it's his pride and joy, he loves cars. He would never tell me not to drive it but I never do anyway because I know he would be dying inside, not just because it's me though, he would be the same no matter who would be driving but he still wouldn't say no you can't. Infact he's asked me if I wanted a go of it lots of times, I just say no though

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 10/12/2018 10:15

I wouldn't let anyone drive my car on a third party basis even if I was married to them.

BigusBumus · 10/12/2018 10:16

Although my DH lets me drive his car, he doesn't like it, for one simple reason. I let the kids eat in cars (as often we go straight from school to cricket practice for example). My car is pretty crumb-y with the odd McDonalds straw wrapper or chip on the floor. He hates that.

dippledorus · 10/12/2018 10:16

I'm only covered third party if driving someone else's car, which means if I crashed it then repairs to their car wouldn't be covered.

Why don't you just name each other as named drivers on insurance? It can even reduce your premiums.

Eliza9917 · 10/12/2018 10:17

I've just got a new (to me) car. I don't want DP to drive it because he leaves bottles and shit in it. His car is a tip, my old car was a tip, I don't want this car ending up a tip. The dog isn't allowed in it either.

TSSDNCOP · 10/12/2018 10:18

I HATE DH driving my car. I can only similarise it to someone eating off my plate. That likely doesn’t adequately explain OP, but I do sort of side with your DP.

I will drive any car if convenient to me.

dippledorus · 10/12/2018 10:18

Also I hate anyone driving my car because it takes me a fortnight to get the seat/mirrors/steering wheel all back how I like them.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 10/12/2018 10:26

You need a newer larger more expensive car. Driving children around in a Corsa isn't really safe. I'm sure your OH is aware of it. Oh and when you do get this car for the first year ensure your insurance doesn't allow him to drive it as a spouse and he's not a named driver.

On a more serious note he's worried about you scrapping his "precious" car and thinks because you are use to a smaller car, you will. If you get a larger family hatchback then he's more likely to allow you to drive his car especially as he would then happily borrow yours frequently to your annoyance.

Westwing1 · 10/12/2018 10:27

I think ReanimatedSGB is bang on the money. If you are otherwise happily married I would drop it. Its clearly a huge deal to him. Maybe no longer let him drive your car if you like. If you can afford a better car for yourself I would go for it and not involve him in the decision in anyway. I drive a Discovery (live in the middle of nowhere) and it is my trusted workhorse, however it is a bit of a tank to drive. A few years ago (when we lived somewhere less country) I drove a Golf GTI and it was fab, much better than a Freelander 😉.

JustABetterPlayer · 10/12/2018 10:27

I let my partner drive the car (sometimes, when I REALLY have to) but if they ever touch my bike that will be the end.

kmc1111 · 10/12/2018 10:36

I don’t let my DH drive my car. We have very different ideas about how to treat our possessions, and while he’d definitely try to treat my car like I do, he doesn’t even think about half the things he does that would drive me nuts.

We have to compromise in the house, and that’s fine, but I really like having my car as a space that’s just mine.

Absentwomen · 10/12/2018 10:37

We drive whichever one has the most fuel in.

And my husband is the policy holder on both with me being named on both.

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