To ask you to tell me something funny

[Merename]

Anything you like. I’ve had a meh weekend of no sleep and grumpiness and need some good MN laughs please.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it!"

Santa's favourite pizza
Deep pan crisp and even

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Because the pee is silent.

Pressed post too early... there's more where those came from!

What do you get if Santa becomes a detective?
Santa Clues.

What do you call a festive duck?
A Christmas quacker.

What do you call someone who loves Christmas a bit too much?
Santapplause.

More coming soon...

Pam Ayres, They Should Have Asked My Husband

You know this world is complicated and imperfect and oppressed
And it's not hard to feel timid and apprehensive and depressed

It seems that all around us tides and questions ebb and flow
And people want solutions but they don't know where to go

Opinions abound. But who is wrong and who is right?
No - people need a prophet, a diffuser of the light
Someone they can turn to as the crises rage and swirl.
Someone with the remedy - the wisdom - the pearl

Well, they should have asked my husband... [continues]

Therapist: “You need to go out more take up a hobby, stop doing weird things.”
Me: “I went to the zoo”.
Therapist: “That’s what I mean, did you get anything from that?”
Me: opens coat “I got this penguin”.

I drink to forget.
Mainly what I did the last time I went drinking.

I went for a walk in the country and saw Ray Winston wagging his finger at a couple of lambs that tried to get out of their field.
He told them to gambol responsibly.

I've decided to try an all breadcrumb diet
...because I've never seen a duck with a double - chin!

thanks guys. I love how in the main the request was interpreted as a need for Christmas cracker type jokes! Most of them made me giggle so thanks. I actually was envisaging a bit more tell me something hilarious and random that has happened to you, a la MN classics, but leaving it open to interpretation has resulted in such gems as the breadcrumb diet. If the snapped and farted woman is out there, I’d also love to hear from you

I bought a jehovas witness themed advent calendar.
Behind every door, someone tells you to fuck off.

@MissMisery

Where I currently work, if you step on a particular part of the floor it sounds like a fart. Really made me test my powers of self control not to burst out laughing 😂

There once was a man called Boswell, and for short they called him 'Bos'. And he walked up the post office steps

(Sorry everyone, I couldn't resist )

Not my dogs, but still funny.

I had my period last week.....and leaked through.So I had to put my knickers in the sanitary bin and go knicker-less under my jeans, whilst balancing a sanitary pad in my jeans. #notmyfinest #iworkwithonlyguys #nospareknickers #duh

I actually don’t get that @PurpleRobe! I am a bit simple.

for the daft dog

And oh dear @doingmybest, did you manage to not leak through the jeans? Cringe. Happens to us all tho. My sister bought me these period pants which are supposed to remove need for a pad but I’m afraid to wear them (well I was post birth and I thankfully don’t have period back yet)

And @OliviaStabler, don’t folk just think you farted?

I’ve just seen ‘Boswell joke’ mentioned on another thread...I take it this is something I have missed?!

Don’t get the Boswell one, but loving these as I lie in bed with a chest infection!

When my daughter was little she thought she was getting warts on her hand. I told her to ask her Dad to buy them off her.
"BITE THEM OFF ME? " she screamed in alarm!

I mentioned this on another thread, but it still makes me chuckle randomly.

I was watching Gogglebox with DS2 the other week, and someone on it said, 'There's a pube in my doughball!'

DS instantly piped up, 'Dear Liza, Dear Liza...'

Didn't half make me laugh.

Was in the loo today and there was a little girl in the next cubicle helping her little brother. She was instructing him on how to get the loo roll out etc and I was thinking aww bless and then they went out and she told him to wash his hands. He asked why, and she very matter of factly replied Because otherwise they'll smell like Willy won't they.

I nearly burst a lung trying not to laugh.

Did you hear that the man who invented auto correct passed away? I didn't even know he was I'll.

@MawkishTwaddle - very sharp and I like how it made me sing it instantly!! How old is he?

And of course, no one wants a hand smelling of willy. I like that girl. Love the username @thesnapandfartisinfallible

And @OliviaStabler, don’t folk just think you farted?

Hopefully not

I think the people who sit near there have been there years so are probably used to it. It cracked me up as it sounded like a real fart, not a fake one.

I heard someone singing earlier...

"Six geese a-laying and five golden rings.... these are a few of my favourite things! Four calling birds, three french hens... etc etc"

Made me chuckle!

merename he’s 18 and a natural comedian.