To ask you to tell me something funny

[Merename]

Anything you like. I’ve had a meh weekend of no sleep and grumpiness and need some good MN laughs please.

I have a phonics group which consists of five KS2 children who are relatively new to English. When they were learning the ee sound, we read a sentence about a green sheep. Once child had a green paper towel to wipe her whiteboard clean, and drew a sheep on it; a green sheep. Since then the green sheep has been a running joke and there is a constant competition to draw the best green sheep, and try and include the green sheep in anything we do.

A new child arrived today with very little English and joined the group. At one point I asked them to write "green", cue lots of green sheep. The new child looked very confused.

This was the point at which I realised how weird the green sheep running joke is. And probably not funny to anyone else - but it's funny to me!

Another gem from the children I work with:

One boy (let's call him Charlie) came running up to me at playtime, sobbing. When I asked him what's wrong, he pointed at another child and sobbed "he's... he's... he's calling me Charlie!"

Not his own name! Aww the kids sound lovely, and it sounds like you really enjoy them.

@PurpleRobe

Too soon.... 😂😂

When toilet training my DS he announced halfyway through the tesco shop that he needed the toilet. I left my trolley with the lady on the fish counter and hurriedly carriedly him to the toilets whilst repeating the positive messages I'd been told were important:

"Well done for telling me mate"
"Clever boy for letting me know"
etc

We get there in good time. He does his business and more congratulations follow. As mens bladders work this leads to me needing to go. Mid flow I feel a pat on the back of my leg.

"Well done daddy"

On a similar theme we were at a small park in winter. He needed the loo but the public toilets weren't open. We cross the road to KFC with me explaining we couldn't get any food but would sneak in to use the facilities. Upon seeing the "meet and greet" assistant on the door, he announced our intentions #facepalm

@HungryForSnacks - do tell! Or link the thread...

@TooLittleTooLate80 - you’re pleasingly more civilised than my DH who has coined the phrase ‘out and about pee’ which DD loves which basically means a pee in the gutter, behind a bush etc. There was a time choosing a puddle to go in was a great way to get her to go but now she demands an out and abouter in kfc car park or outside our house...

Asked DD how school was, she said 'I don't like Mondays " my response: "tell me why?"
Went totally over her head, I was incoherent with laughter

Just watched escape to the chateu with dick strawbridge and Angel.

They did the "next week on" and the commentator guy says "and if you want to see dick dance tune in next week.." made me chuckle

When my nephew was first using the toilet he was staying at my house. My sis had said it was best to go with him as he was very keen on standing up to pee but his aim was off.
So I traipsed to the loo with him and he does what he has to do. I'm saying oh you are clever, what a grown up boy etc. He stops peeing and says "go on then, say 'shake it' "

warning contains Bambi spoiler
My youngest dd was about 3, we were watching Bambi one day. It got to the sad bit (where I always cry).. Bambi is cowering in the bushes and the stag has come to tell him the bad news. DD puts her hands to her mouth like a megaphone and shouts "Bambi! She's dead!"

We made paper aeroplanes at Brownies last week. A parent helper opened her mouth to say something and an aeroplane landed right in her mouth. The Brownie who threw it looked at me all wide-eyed, clearly unsure if she was about to be told off... I nearly wet myself laughing!

Once when dd was 2 or 3, I inadvertently let out a bottom burp that sounded remarkably like a duck.
Dd was absolutely delighted (didn't realise it was me) and shouted "ducky!".

Years ago I arrived home from work on a sunny, but breezy day. I shouted hello to my elderly neighbour who was cutting his front lawn. Just as he replied there was a huge gust of wind that lifted my skirt to reveal my thong. I couldn't get in the front door quick enough....

I’ve just seen ‘Boswell joke’ mentioned on another thread...I take it this is something I have missed?!

NO, believe me, you missed NOTHING!!!

I had to nip to the local DIY store with my DS in tow and didn't notice that he'd slipped away a few yards.... to the area with the display bathrooms.... until I heard a familiar little voice call out loudly and proudly "I've finished!!!"

He'd not that long learned how to use a toilet confidently and he'd taken the initiative when he found one and did what he needed to. It wasn't plumbed in and was in the open on the shop floor - neither of which facts would remotely occur to or concern a very young child.

I wouldn't have dreamt of telling him off at all, as he'd (sort of) done exactly the right thing. I was very relieved (as clearly had been my DS) when it was one of the friendly younger women at the desk and not one of the grumpy older blokes to whom I repeatedly apologised. She just laughed and declined my offers to clean it.

I was also extremely glad that at least he'd only needed a wee....

Dd was absolutely delighted (didn't realise it was me) and shouted "ducky!"

As Bob Dylan would have said, may she stay forever young

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said "Your patellas only measures 2.54cm."
I said, "Inch high knees?"
He said, "您的髌骨是2.54厘米高"

When I was teaching Y1 I came across a child in floods of tears. I crouched down to ask him what was wrong. In between sobs, he indicated the (smiling) child opposite him and said, ‘He has a PLAN’
‘A plan?’ I repeated
More wailing... ‘Yes! A plan’
I turned to the child opposite who had put down their pencil and was watching, quite serenely.
‘Charlie? Do you have a plan?’
‘Yes.’
‘What’s the plan, Charlie’
‘Oh, I’m going to DESTROY him’

Charlie sat there, tapping his fingers like an evil super villain while his ‘victim’ sobbed and I was fighting so hard to keep the laughter in. This must have been 20+ years ago and it still makes me laugh when I think of it.

What floats on water and goes quick?
A South African duck

Decades ago my DP’s cousin took her kid to the panto in Liverpool. It was Snow White.
There was a scene in which the evil stepmother, disguised as an old lady, offered Snow White the poisoned apple. Snow White asked the audience, ‘Shall I take it, children?’

Cue much screaming and yelling, ‘Noooo!’

This went on for a bit, and then Snow White inevitably bit the apple and fell to the ground.

There was a stunned silence, only broken when an anguished little Scouse voice piped up,

‘I told ‘er not to eat the fuckin’ apple!’

Poor Snow White was lying prone on the ground shaking with laughter

Ohhhh some beauties this morning folks! I still really need this after more grim nights of getting tough on 3 yr old about getting up in the night now that baby is getting up too. I’m sooo fed up of being a grumpy tired half a mum. Anyhoo! Some lovely morning giggles!

The out of the mouths of babes are great. Love the wee in B&Q, I could see that happening to us - except it’s indoors, so she wouldn’t. Ducky, Snow White and Charlie the destroyer!! I wonder how Charlie turned out if he was that commanding as a wee boy?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll - but I still wanna know! Pleeeease? Was it just a thread about a shite joke?

And the cracker jokes are still cringe but welcome, thank you...

Don't worry yourself over boswell... 2 threads of being tieing themselves in knots trying to work it out to the op telling us after 20 years they worked out why it's funny.... but they couldn't tell us.... ridiculous.

I have done some theatre in the past and in one performance my character had to swear.... I did my line.... cue my grandma shouting at the top her voice Bertha!!! Berating me for swearing.....

I was also meant to be dead on stage but had a tickly cough.... trying not to cough so much my eyes started watering... in the end I jumped up ran off stage for water then came back in and assumed my position....

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said "Your patellas only measures 2.54cm."
I said, "Inch high knees?"
He said, "您的髌骨是2.54厘米高"

Although you might think it impossible, there's actually a very easy way to tell the sex of an ant.

You just have to put it in a glass of water.

If it sinks: girl-ant; if it floats: boy-ant.

My brother works in a furniture upholstering factory. Unfortunately, he had an accident and fell and got trapped inside the big automated machine.

Thankfully, he's now fully recovered.

Amazingly, a very similar thing happened to one of his friends, who worked at the Ronseal factory. He fell into a giant industrial vat of varnish and sadly didn't survive.

Terrible way to go, but a really lovely finish.

@Merename ehmmm, yeah I did. thankfully I was wearing dark jeans and was wearing a long cardi. Not my finest :-)