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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked by hate lazy gift giving?

80 replies

Talith · 09/12/2018 14:48

I have a aunt who's lovely - really lovely but every single year for Xmas and birthdays without fail she'll ask me to give her "links for gift ideas" for the kids. Like, specific items with an amazon link.

Now - it's great that she's giving my kids gifts - I know some people's relatives couldn't give a toss, or buy ridiculous things that aren't appropriate...

BUT item then is sent directly to me, so I have to wait in, bunk off work for it, or go and get it from the post office.

FURTHERMORE she has never have ponied up for the gift bag so I'm wrapping the item too.

And coming up with ideas is a royal pain, my kids don't have ultra specific hobbies, so I'm grabbing at straws for things they largely won't be that fussed over when I've usually grabbed all the straws for my own gifts, and whilst I don't mind waiting in for parcels or whatever, having to wrap the bloody things really narks me off.

Am I essentially really ungrateful? I'd never post a gift that I'd not wrapped myself, and whilst I'll ask if people if there's anything in particular they'd like, I can pull a few ideas out all on my own. I think it's considerate and shows a bit of care and thought to try.

She's not a really elderly lady who's unsure what kids like (she's got kids and grandkids herself), she's not short of cash and in any case I've implored not to worry about gifting/just get an amazon voucher/fiver in an envelope but she insists on getting things "that they can unwrap" despite the fact that she's not the one doing the wrapping!

So am I colossally ungrateful or might I be a teeny bit reasonable in hoping not to have to do all the leg work for her?

On a side note I also get narked by Moonpig cards which are sent direct and aren't signed, if I pick out a nice personalised one I'll get it sent to me so I can at least sign the bloody thing. Just seems to lack care - bloody one click culture where any sort of effort is too much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Talith · 09/12/2018 16:55

Oooo - yes, or I could say let's have lunch at X place and split the bill or something. It's not wrappable but she is a foodie and we're in a place with loads of really great restaurants so that might ring her bell.

OP posts:
Loveatthefiveanddime · 09/12/2018 17:17

No you are not being unreasonable. I have been so bloody peed off with people asking what my children want and then getting them sent to me to wrap. It means I give them all my ideas and have nothing left for myself. And then me having to sit and wrap things gets right on my wick totally. I remember having to do it when I had 4 children under 5 and feeling so fucked off.

Leeds2 · 09/12/2018 17:17

I suspect your aunt hasn't ever thought about the consequences of her sending her gift to you direct from Amazon, in particular the wrapping option. Could you ask her to select the wrapping option when she places her order? I can't imagine it would be too. much extra effort/cost - I know some places will wrap for free. Or just put the package in a gift bag, and keep the bag to reuse next year.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/12/2018 17:33

I have some sympathy for you Talith. My family find Crimbo vair stressful, and this is reflected in their gift-giving. When DD was young, DM would just send a cheque to cover all presents, birthday for DD, (near Xmas) and presents for XH and me. She would refuse to say what her intended % allocation to each person was also.... So I had to go get it, wrap it, yada yada. Yes I know its better that they get what they will use, but DM did this with everyone else, and I just felt that I was running round like a blue arsed insect and DM just signed a couple of cheques.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/12/2018 17:34

But YABU about Moonpig card. I love me a Pig card!

cunningartificer · 09/12/2018 17:50

Amazon gift wrapping isn’t cheap—for the extra £2.99 a throw she may feel that she’d rather spend money on the presents as they come wrapped in cardboard! Stick a bow on or pop in a bag as others have said, or if you’re feeling really creative spray the parcels with gold stars! Takes a couple of minutes and looks v trendy under the tree 🌟

masterandmargarita · 09/12/2018 17:58

Yanbu. I have relatives who do the same. I honestly do not feel grateful for someone pressing a few buttons on a computer and depleting a tenner or whatever out of their bank account and then not bothering to pay for it to be wrapped. I'd rather they sent nothing. It shows no love just familial duty which I can do without.

MulticolourMophead · 09/12/2018 18:02

And I'm confused that you complain she asks for ideas then say you even struggle for ideas. They're your children, if you can't think of ideas then how is she supposed to?

Aunt could send gift cards/cash/vouchers that the DC could use, as already suggested by OP.

cushioncuddle · 09/12/2018 18:32

Ask your C what they would like. That way they get what they want , they do the work of thinking of something and your aunt is happy.

IHeartKingThistle · 09/12/2018 20:22

We have to tell DHs mum, uncle, 2 aunties and a cousin exactly what to buy both DC every year. I love them all dearly and the dc are always grateful (and they all do their own wrapping!) but I do find it hard thinking of things!

I was offended last year though when BIL turned up to stay for Christmas for 3 days and arrived empty handed. Nothing for the kids, not a packet of biscuits, nothing. Ate the food, didn't offer to help, sat and opened his presents from all of us and didn't acknowledge any of it. He's got lots of issues so is never called out on anything.

RedOrange21 · 09/12/2018 20:34

I actually don't think YABU. The point of giving a gift is choosing something the other person might like and the suprise element. My MIL turns up empty handed and expects us to ferry her around shopping on Christmas Eve & tell her what to buy. I am not grateful for her financial contribution to to the children - that may sounds bratty but really we can afford to buy them gifts and she is well aware of this. Giving a gift is a about choosing it, wrapping it and presenting. If she can't be bothered to do any of the work I wish she would just not bother at all. Luckily she is not coming this year.

ineedmoresleepnow · 09/12/2018 20:41

YANBU - I find this particularly irritating from my retired divorced PIL, ie they both do it separately. Send money with an instruction that they would like the kids to open something from them! So lazy.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/12/2018 20:46

Yabvu

She has bothered to ask what they like
She has paid for it

Why does it need wrapping ? Just give in box

And why can’t they deliver to work ? Is that not feasible ?

ShinyRuby · 09/12/2018 20:52

Of course you're grateful for the presents but I do know what you mean about being left to do most of it yourself. It's a few years since my dds were younger but I clearly remember dm & dmil asking what they would like (lovely of course) but THEN asking me to go & get it as they didn't know what it was, I then had to lug it round town (online shopping not such a thing then), wrap it up & write a gift tag. By the time I'd done it all, I felt a bit fed up as I was a mum of 2 under 3s with a job & they were both retired & really should've been able to go & buy something. My own dm also often didn't remember to give me the money either!

TrippingTheVelvet · 09/12/2018 20:53

YABU and ungrateful. How many of your great aunts and uncles bothered buying you presents when you were young? An awful lot of people don't bother buying nieces and nephews never mind great ones.

EmUntitled · 09/12/2018 20:57

Ask her for small things which will fit through letterbox like a dvd or something? Or get it delivered to an Amazon locker near work or home so you can collect at your convenience?

ineedmoresleepnow · 09/12/2018 21:20

It's just the lack of effort though isn't it. Shouldn't gift giving be the fact that you have thought about it and made the effort to do something that the recipient will appreciate. Not just flash your debit card and leave someone else to make all the effor

BlackberryandNettle · 09/12/2018 21:56

To be honest I think you are being ungrateful. She is
A) avoiding getting crap they don't want/ already have/parents wouldn't approve of
B) avoiding double posting and also Amazon will generally leave with a neighbour which beats going to collect from the depot
C) remembers your kids birthdays and wants them to have something they'll like, which is lovely

Family buying is a nightmare. Some want to control everything so you can't choose, some always want to choose but don't check for duplicates etc, some want ideas but then ignore, some avoid all communication, some always forget. Everyone has a different ideal system. Generally though I think everyone wants to get it right and the easiest way is to go with the flow and be grateful for whatever ideas/presents you end up with!!

Original poster
Talith · 09/12/2018 23:22

Yup I take the verdict on the chin! I'll honestly try to stop mithering and be grateful we have interested relations. Grin

OP posts:
WarCat · 09/12/2018 23:36

Sorry but yes very ungrateful. Glad you've realised :)

WarCat · 09/12/2018 23:36

(I meant that sincerely by the way... reads very sarcy!)

Original poster
Talith · 09/12/2018 23:37

Dont worry, in all seriousness it's why I asked! Grin

OP posts:
Grannyannex · 09/12/2018 23:45

Tell the kids the budget and ask them to look and email links across to her.

CherryValance · 09/12/2018 23:52

I probably agree with you because I buy for my own kids, 3 god kids, 6 nephews and nieces, parents, husband, my sister and bro/sis in laws (there are several due to steps), my aunts and uncles and my cousins' children (we've cut out the cousins themselves!). And some years all my husband's family as well (although the adults have agreed not to this year thank god!). And I think I'm a good gift giver. Therefore it is a weeny bit irritating to have to buy from them for my kids too!

I know very few people still buy for their own aunts/uncles etc as adults but they've always bought me gifts from childhood and continue to, plus for my kids, so I'm very fond of them and wouldn't dream of stopping. It does get tricky though!

Kokeshi123 · 09/12/2018 23:55

I think ultimately, be grateful that at least she is not giving them unwanted tat that clutters up the house! It sounds like you have realized this though.

Not everyone is into present-buying/shopping. Vouchers etc. are a good solution for those of us who are like this.

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