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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse sex because of contraception choices?

69 replies

Torn2 · 08/12/2018 21:30

I've had nightmares with hormonal contraception I'm in the process of getting my implant removed because I'm on my 3rd month of period... joys.

My boyfriend (in his 30s!) Has told me we will just not have sex.

Are condoms really that much of a task these days?

Am I being unreasonable because I'm totally fed up of contraception messing up my body?

OP posts:
APositiveMind · 08/12/2018 21:34

Ask him of he's rather a baby?
I don't understand the stigma with not wearing condoms. My OH is 31 and occasionally when we're talking about our sex life he'll say he doesn't like wearing them. But then when it comes down to it I rarely have to ask him, he just puts one on.
I'm not on any contraceptive because they give me awful side effects and were planning to actively ttc in january, so currently mostly using the pull out method because if it happens it's not a bad thing for us.
Tell him wrap up or get blue balls.

Pogmella · 08/12/2018 21:34

How long have you been with him? Pretty shit if he's seen you struggling with this for 3 months and doesn't want to help however he can.

Also have you tried just replacing it? I'm on implanon and always change it in year 2 as I start getting loads of breakthrough bleeds.

Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2018 21:36

No. Me and DH use them and have for 12 years.

HIB entirely U

QueenofmyPrinces · 08/12/2018 21:37

My guess is he’s worried about pregnancy?

I’m in the opposite situation in that I told my husband that unless he had a vasectomy then there’d be no sex OR he’d have to accept that if a pregnancy occurred that I wouldn’t terminate.

I know condoms are a great contraception but for some reason I would never have felt protected enough against pregnancy if they were the only form of contraception being used.

The difference though is that we had completed our family so having a vasectomy was the obvious answer, whereas you don’t mention any children already?

However, if you are happy to rely soly on condoms then call his bluff and tell him fine, no sex. I don’t imagine he will be able to hold out long.

Don’t be blackmailed into doing something you don’t want to do because he’s making empty threats.

Mumof1andacat · 08/12/2018 21:37

What about the copper coil? Its non hormonal. My friend struggles with hormones and gets on well with this.

TheChickenOfTruth · 08/12/2018 21:40

This is his choice. If he doesn't want to wear a condom, no one can or should force him - he has proposed a compromise, even if it is one you're not happy with.
If you're not happy with his choice then you are welcome to find another compromise or beak up with him, but I disagree that he (or you) is being "unreasonable".

MaisyPops · 08/12/2018 21:41

Maybe he is worried about pregnancy.
There's a thread on here every few weeks where someone falls pregnant unexpectedly and the consensus seems to be that if a man didn't want a baby then he shouldn't have had sex because everyonr knows condoms can fail.
He doesn't want a baby. He doesn't want to rely on condoms. So he's choosing abstinence.

HestiaParthenos · 08/12/2018 21:42

Do you think he wants to pressure you into wrecking your body with even more hormones so that he doesn't have to use condoms, or is he genuinely worried about pregnancy and honest about intending to just not have sex?

If he wants to pressure you, get rid of him, life's too short for that sort of shit.

If he is worried about pregnancy, well, there's other ways to have sex than PiV, and exploring those is an alternative.

dontgobaconmyheart · 08/12/2018 21:44

he just sounds childish and manipulative OP, and as though he doesn't really have much empathy or interest in your suffering as a valid thing in itself.
What is his specific objection to condoms? I'm not saying it is the issue here, but frankly, all the men i've known this has cropped up with who refuse to that extent are the ones who lose their erection fumbling to put them on and don't want that to become apparent. There isn't much of an excuse these days if the issue is 'discomfort' - if he is latex sensitive there are many latex free options, if it's a sizing issue or they are 'too tight' then there are various sizes. Sex with a condom is better than no sex at all surely.

I personally would be seeking to rectify this situation where he is the one who dictates the course of action rather than a balanced conversation. If sex is important to you, and he would be having it freely and enthusiastically without a condom then I don't think i'd accept his attitude and conclusion on the matter tbh. I'd actually just find someone else to go out with if he didn't take a more mature and respectful perspective, or show some appropriate sympathy for the awful time you've had on your contraception. You suffering on HBC or no sex at all because he won't even try a condom are hardly options that account for your feelings.

Cherries101 · 08/12/2018 21:45

Are you sure he doesn’t mean no sex until your period is finished?

Sethis · 08/12/2018 21:46

Every single day men are slagged off on here for having sex with a woman, using contraception, and then an accident happens and the woman decides to keep the baby, and then everyone pillories the man for not wanting the child.

Seems like he's just doing what everyone on here says, which is just not have sex if he's unwilling to risk a child.

Original poster
Torn2 · 08/12/2018 22:04

I have a child already, it's not about the falling pregnant it's the feeling for him.

I just don't want to continue having health problems anymore to be honest and side effects from hormonal contraception.

If the argument about accidents happening, it can happen with any form of contraception really. Missed pill, split condom, incorrect placement, whatever. Everyone risks it each time they engage in sex so I don't see what the issue is in being sensible?
It's not like I'm on here all up for the pull out method because I don't want another child

OP posts:
Hannnnnnnxo · 08/12/2018 22:15

I hate men that refuse to wear condoms because of how it feels to them🙄 like grow up, contraception isn’t just down to the woman! Personally this would put me off him and make me want to leave him and find someone else!

Hannnnnnnxo · 08/12/2018 22:17

Also are you sure he isn’t giving you a dramatic ultimatum in an attempt to make you change your mind about taking the implant out?

MakeAHouseAHome · 08/12/2018 22:17

YABVU. He is making the choice to abstain because he either doesn't trust condoms or doesn't want to wear them.

If YOU want sex, while henis happy to abstain, then YOU take on the contraceptive responsibility.

Honestly, if this was the other way round the guy would be slated...

Purpleartichoke · 08/12/2018 22:22

he isn’t pressuring you to use hormonal birth control. He isn’t pressuring you to have unprotected sex. That is a reasonable position.

APositiveMind · 08/12/2018 22:27

I don't agree with the above comment. Why Should we have to pump ourselves full of hormones or have something inserted into ourselves that can get embedded into our cervix and have to be cut back out, because we are women?
Also condoms are the only way of preventing STI's. If a man makes a choice about not wearing a condom because of the lack of feeling, then catches a sti/std I'm sure he would be the first to complain.
It's a thin piece of latex/rubber.

If I can still feel your bit and pieces through the condom then you can still feel my bits and pieces through it too.

It's not an iron chasity belt.

TheWiseWomansFear · 08/12/2018 22:35

God, he sounds like an ass

SantaClauseMightWork · 08/12/2018 22:39

Purpleartichoke
That is a moronic comment.

underneaththeash · 08/12/2018 22:47

Diaphragm?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/12/2018 22:53

If he prefers not to have sex rather than have sex using a condom then that is his choice. If a woman shouldn't be pressured into any contraception choices then neither should a man.

Why is abstinence so maligned these days?

MajesticWhine · 08/12/2018 23:01

I wouldn't be ok with abstinence, but each to their own. I think he might be trying to coerce you into continuing to take responsibility for contraception.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/12/2018 23:01

Am I being unreasonable because I'm totally fed up of contraception messing up my body

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Get the implant removed. Your body and your choice.

That's a separate issue to him not wanting to use condoms. Personally, given that his reasoning is about 'feel' and he's choosing slightly less fun sex over no sex I think he's silly. He might change his mind after you make the move and make it clear that you are not going to suffer for his jollies.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/12/2018 23:03

Personally, given that his reasoning is about 'feel' and he's choosing slightly less fun sex over no sex I think he's silly

That should be the other way around of course.

I also think he's trying to manipulate you into keeping your implant so he gets fun and responsibility-free sex.

BehemothPullsThePeasantsPlough · 08/12/2018 23:03

PIV sex and total celibacy are not your only two choices you know.