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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse sex because of contraception choices?

69 replies

Torn2 · 08/12/2018 21:30

I've had nightmares with hormonal contraception I'm in the process of getting my implant removed because I'm on my 3rd month of period... joys.

My boyfriend (in his 30s!) Has told me we will just not have sex.

Are condoms really that much of a task these days?

Am I being unreasonable because I'm totally fed up of contraception messing up my body?

OP posts:
FissionChips · 08/12/2018 23:06

Is he wearing the right size condom? A well fitting condom should not affect sensation much. There are many different lengths and widths to choose from.

Saracen · 08/12/2018 23:06

You know him; we don't. Do you think he is genuinely saying that he dislikes condoms so much that he would rather abstain from sex than wear one?

If what he says is what he really means, then that's fair enough. Neither of you should be forced to use a contraceptive which you hate. No more sex, or rather no more of this type of sex.

OTOH if he is throwing a strop and giving you an ultimatum in an attempt to get you to submit to hormones though they make you so ill, or to some other invasive contraception, then that is horribly selfish.

I suggest you calmly tell him that since he feels so strongly, you're willing to abstain from sex as that is the only remaining solution. I think you'll soon find out whether he's being genuine or manipulative.

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/12/2018 23:08

I don’t like condoms. My DP doesn’t mind how they feel but I notice most of them. Natural Cycles works for us.

MrsStrowman · 08/12/2018 23:15

I always used condoms and the pill when younger but after a while with DH we stopped the condoms, I have to be on hormonal contraception for other reasons when not TTC anyway so that's fine by me, I'm actually the one who doesn't like the feel of condoms rather than DH. When I was changing contraception a few years back we used skyn condoms and another brand I forget the name of they are very lightweight (same level of protection) and feel less rubbery than regular condoms, might be worth a try?

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/12/2018 23:20

Skyn are good. Much better than Durex.

Singletomingle · 08/12/2018 23:30

My ex refused sex unless I wore a condom, she hated this so insisted I have a vasectomy. The only thing that stopped me was the doubt she loved me. Within 6 months she left me, found someone else and is now pregnant.

HestiaParthenos · 08/12/2018 23:32

I also think he's trying to manipulate you into keeping your implant so he gets fun and responsibility-free sex.

Indeed.

And that's a situation I would end by ending the relationship.

Of course you could just tell him no sex is fine and wait for him to change his mind, but ... why? A relationship isn't warfare, and it shouldn't feel like it. Even if you "win", what kind of relationship is it if you have to fight in the first place?

It doesn't sound like he is interested in finding a compromise, he just wants to get PIV without condom.

That sort of behaviour is just inacceptable.

Original poster
Torn2 · 08/12/2018 23:33

Yeah it's basically just a strop because I'm coming off the hormones. When it comes to sex I can honestly take it or leave it. Far too busy and tired to care, he can have his strop or chose not to be with me. Either way I'm putting my health first I've had such an awful experience these past few months.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 08/12/2018 23:35

Good for you OP. Flowers

lifetothefull · 08/12/2018 23:41

You could try the cap.

stabulous · 08/12/2018 23:43

God what a massive child. Just tell him okay and see how long he lasts with no sex. Complete dickhead. 🙄

I was never able to use hormonal contraception either as it really fucked me up.

jessstan2 · 08/12/2018 23:56

He sounds as though he is being responsible. There aren't many men who would be prepared to forego sex while reliable contraception is being sorted out. In the meantime, there is plenty of fun to be had without penetration.

You could also experiment with different types of condom, make it fun.

What is your long term plan regarding contraception after your implant is removed?

I had a diaphragm after coming off the pill. It had its drawbacks but it worked.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/12/2018 00:00

Have you clarified with him whether 'no sex' means 'no physical affection whatsoever' or just 'no PIV'? People can have good times and plenty of orgasms without PIV, if contraception is a problem.

Lynne45 · 09/12/2018 00:02

He’s being immature.
Condoms are fine. We’ve used them for years after I had a bad experience on the implant. No issues and no complaints from my partner.
You do what’s best for you.

HestiaParthenos · 09/12/2018 00:07

Have you clarified with him whether 'no sex' means 'no physical affection whatsoever' or just 'no PIV'? People can have good times and plenty of orgasms without PIV, if contraception is a problem.

To me it sounds very much like he intends to withhold affection to bully OP into taking hormones again.

Considering that OP does feel bullied and knows the whole context, it seems very unlikely that "He is being responsible."

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 09/12/2018 00:31

I would be having sex with someone else that would use a condom. Is that an option?

Sethis · 09/12/2018 00:40

Fair enough. If he prefers no sex to condom sex that's entirely on him.

Choice of contraceptive is something that should be compromised on by both partners, together. However when it comes to compromises then physical health trumps physical pleasure every time. It's unreasonable for you to be taking unpleasant medication against your will simply so he can have slightly nicer sensations on his penis.

I hate people like this. They just give even more ammo for women to think we're all selfish idiots.

itsbetterthanabox · 09/12/2018 01:28

I assume only abstaining from PIV sex. So you can still have sex just other ways no penetration.
Seems sensible to me.
Of course you shouldn't have to take meds that don't agree with you.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/12/2018 01:37

OP, if sex is something you can 'take or leave', why is him announcing that there will be no sex unless you continue with hormonal contraception such a bad thing? Do you like PIV sex? Do you, in fact, like having sex (of any kind) with this particular man in the first place?

LEMtheoriginal · 09/12/2018 01:43

I have issies with my coil that means it isnt offering 100% contraception.

I would rather abstain than use condoms if im honest. They feel horrible and completely spoil the moid so i am now having sex just to please dp when the poor sod is desperate. So i completely get it

jophie80 · 09/12/2018 01:54

Dear Torn2

I had similar issues as you, in that I tried for many years different forms of the pill, I took one which made me feel nausea throughout the day, I took another which took away pleasure with my partner, in the end in my early thirties I had met my now (DH) and told him that in no terms I was not prepared to take any form of hormonal contraceptive. At that stage I was off the pill for 2 years. I informed him that the consequences would result in a child if he refused to have a condom on. We managed well for a while. Sadly my DH is infertile and so when we came off the Condoms he didn't get a baby.

But I would stick to my guns in your case, yes DH had told me that men feel less sensation with a condom. You on the other hand have to endure a whole trauma (outside of the sex) just so that he can have a bit more sensation.

But I understand you may want to compromise, the best technique my friend told me which she practised with her partner for 4-5 years was the pull out method, but he has to stick to it, and be respectful. You may want to try that...or alternatively tell him in no uncertain terms how painful and unpleasant the pill/injections make you feel. I am sorry but he should sympathise.

SpaceCadet4000 · 09/12/2018 01:57

This isn't him being responsible, it's coercive control. Responsibility would be talking to OP about researching other non-hormonal contraceptives with her to find what works for them as a couple, avoiding PIV sex without protection, and being empathetic to her medical needs.

There's such a horrible, dismissive narrative around female health and contraceptives in society. Certain men seem to have embodied the idea that contraceptives are a way to control women to ensure sex on tap. Any negative reaction women have to it seems to be viewed as an affront to their right to our bodies.

ImNotKitten · 09/12/2018 02:18

YANBU to come off your contraceptive and he is NBU to choose to abstain.

Justanothernameonthepage · 09/12/2018 02:42

Ahhh. So condoms make sex slightly less pleasurable for him. So he thinks you should suffer through major discomfort instead.
No sex it is then.

MaisyPops · 09/12/2018 08:20

SpaceCadet4000
It's a big jump to say coercive control.

There are loads of threads on here that go like this:
OP: I've been taking the pill for 3 years and we've just found out in pregnant. It's unexpected but I want to keep the baby. DP doesn't want to be a father yet and this is causing us some issues. . Is it wrong for me to want to keep the baby?
Posters: he needs to step up. At the end of the day if he didn't want to be a father then he should have used condoms, abstained or had a vasectomy. What Is it with men who refuse to take any responsibility?

Different OP: I have issues with hormonal contraceptives so DH and I use condoms as our main form of contraception. We always said we weren't having any more children. The condom broke (and I didn't get the morning after pill because I thought it would be fine & I don't want to take hormones). We've found out in pregnant. DH thinks we should abort. I want to keep the baby.
Posters: Everyone knows condoms can fail. What an abusive prick. He shouldn't be having sex unless he's happy with the idea of a baby. If not having more kids matters to him then he should have a vasectomy or go without.

Here we have a man saying he would rather abstain. Nobody can push the OP into remaining on hormonal birth control (and rightly so). Nobody can tell anyone that choosing to abstain is wrong.