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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse sex because of contraception choices?

69 replies

Torn2 · 08/12/2018 21:30

I've had nightmares with hormonal contraception I'm in the process of getting my implant removed because I'm on my 3rd month of period... joys.

My boyfriend (in his 30s!) Has told me we will just not have sex.

Are condoms really that much of a task these days?

Am I being unreasonable because I'm totally fed up of contraception messing up my body?

OP posts:

Original poster

Torn2 · 09/12/2018 09:06

I can take it or leave it because I suffered some nasty tears after birth, almost a year on and I still get discomfort and pain in the area if I have prolonged periods. The implant is still in my arm I've made an appointment. But a few months of heavy period means he can have his strop, I don't want anything going near there at the min

We spoke about it when I was a month into this period and bad side effects. He spoke about getting a vasectomy, I told him that I wouldn't expect him to do that because it's his body, surgery, and if we don't work out and he wants children in the future it's a lot of hassle. I was really respectful, but since he's found out im serious about coming off contraception he isn't happy at all. Apparently condoms kill his mood

OP posts:

TacoLover · 09/12/2018 09:12

MaisyPops I completely agree with your post

itsbetterthanabox · 09/12/2018 09:13

@Torn2
If PIV is painful for you why are you doing it anyway?
Him expecting you to take hormones is wrong but him expecting you engage in painful sex is worse.
So it's not that he's actually willing to abstain? He's only saying it to be coercive?
Please do not have sex with this man at all and do not take hormones that hurt your body. The fact he can get aroused knowing he's hurting you is vile enough.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/12/2018 09:14

It doesn’t sound like abstinence is a real plan, just a threat to get you to cooperate. I can’t see this relationship lasting.

MaisyPops · 09/12/2018 09:21

You sound really reasonable OP and I don't blame you for taking or leaving sex at the moment.

The way I see it is you have to make whatever contraceptive choices are right for you. He can do likewise.
I'd take it at face value and then if he gets moody about lack of sex you know where you stand and can point out that he chose abstinence.

payperview · 09/12/2018 09:32

No glove, no love.

MissMooMoo · 09/12/2018 09:42

Of course yanbu op.
I took the pill for about 15 years with no problems before I came off to TTC my ds.
He is now 18 months old and I had been taking the pill for about 14 months. It was awful,constant bleeding ,no sex drive and I feel like shit.

I decided 2 months ago I was coming off it and we could either NtNp or use condoms.
DH doesn't want another baby yet so it is up to him to use a condom.

If men took hormonal contraception I really think we would have sorted out these side effects by now.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 09/12/2018 09:48

Condoms "kill his mood" but you feeling horrible and in pain doesn't? That's nice, isn't it

Cleo18 · 09/12/2018 09:57

I'm with him on this. He is choosing not to have sex. If you are also not bothered then what is the issue. You are making a drama where there is none.

As many PPs have said - adults would talk about this reasonably. You can do non PIV sex, you could have a coil, you could use a cap, you can abstain altogether. We all decide what suits us best. Between you you work out what you can both be happy with. Instead you are trying to make a point.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/12/2018 10:06

If men took hormonal contraception I really think we would have sorted out these side effects by now

I am sure if men took HC the side-effects would be catastrophic, life-changing and life-threatening (you know, like decreased libido or feeling like shit) so the woman would have to take it. /sarcasm.

ThanosSavedMe · 09/12/2018 10:10

If my dh said condoms kill the mood for him I would tell him selfishness kills the mood for me.

I think you need to ditch him and focus on your health. You have a child, you don’t need a grown up one

ElonMask · 09/12/2018 10:17

Can't believe he won't wear a condom. Ridiculous behaviour.

MetalMidget · 09/12/2018 10:17

If men took hormonal contraception I really think we would have sorted out these side effects by now

Weren't they testing hormonal contraception for men recently, but halted the trials due to side effects that are commonplace for women on the pill/implant etc?

www.newscientist.com/article/2110729-male-contraceptive-injection-works-but-side-effects-halt-trial/

Original poster

Torn2 · 09/12/2018 10:49

I actually ended up in hospital although it was a few years ago, due to my contraception method at the time where I had to have it swiftly removed and undergo treatment. I'm not just throwing in the towel and I don't think to an extent I'm being unreasonable, hormonal contraception is great for most women but I just don't think it's for me.
I guess I expected too much for my partner to be respecting my decision. I respect his decision to not have sex but he's in a blatant mood about it because he doesn't get his way. I don't think he's being controlling but he's definitely being mean about it.
I could understand if I just didn't want to try anything or if I was just blatantly saying no I'm not going to bother trying. I really have and I just get so ill, in pain, turn into a psycho.

If he wants to be an adult he could talk to me about exploring options but he's just refused saying "well you can go without if that's the case' which is fine,

I know condoms have a ton of bad press attached to them, but not all forms are reliable. My intention is not to trap him with a baby and blame him or whatever else people have said.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 09/12/2018 11:07

You've got bigger problems than contraception. Get rid of this shitty man. PIV causes you severe pain - drop PIV from your sex life. A decent partner would be absolutely fine with that, but this one is sulking and whining when you don't want to do something that hurts you - only suggesting you stop doing it as an attempt to coerce you into staying on contraception for sex you don't want?

What do you think would happen if you said that going without sex was fine by you, actually|?

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 09/12/2018 11:17

I had the copper coil for a couple of years after I was advised to come off the pill due to migraines. When I started getting horrible stabbing pains in my abdomen every month my partner was the first to suggest that I get the coil taken out and we could just use condoms instead. Yes, they’re a faff and can be slightly awkward in the heat of the moment, but he said if it was a choice between that or seeing me in agony every month then of course we’d just use them.

If your partner would rather abstain then of course that’s his choice. But what is absolutely unacceptable is for him to sulk and expect you to go through unpleasant side effects so as not to ‘kill the mood’ for him.

SushiMonster · 09/12/2018 11:20

His choice not to wear condoms. His choice to abstain. Your choice to dump him and find a nicer man.

everydaymum · 09/12/2018 11:51

YANBU to want to stop hormonal contraception. He is NBU to not want to use condoms. He would be unreasonable to pressure you into unprotected sex, but if he's not doing that then he's just making a decision about contraception the same as you have. You're at a stalemate and both have your reasons for the decisions you've made. If you can't reach an agreement then you don't have sex again, or you move on.

MaisyPops · 09/12/2018 12:34

Torn2
I hope you didn't think my example threads were about trapping him with a baby. That wasn't what I was meaning.
I was just highlighting that it's a bit rich for people to have an issue with a man abstaining from sex (and claim its controlling or out of order) when on other threads about unplanned pregnancies people say men shouldn't have had sex with contraception unless they were happy to have a baby and the advice is commonly that abstinence of vasectomy are the only 2 ways a man is allowed to have sex withour being expected to be thrilled about a baby.

He's within his rights to choose abstaining. Being in a mood is different and not on.

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