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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel?

96 replies

Dontbebloodyrude · 08/12/2018 10:54

I’ll be brief as it’s a small issue in the scheme of things...

34 weeks pregnant. Friend I haven’t seen for a while wants to visit. Lovely. Asks to bring her 2 dogs, not ideal, I don’t have dogs and don’t really want the hairs all over my house but I can put up with it. She’s now vegan, gluten free and avoids carbs. She wants to stay 2 nights because trains are mucked up or some such. Doesn’t drive so I need to pick her up. Needs to walk the dogs for an hour while she’s with us apparently.
Here’s the thing, she texted to tell me her dietary reqs 10 days ago which leads me to assume that she thinks I’m cooking all weekend. I responded to ask what she would like and nothing! Seems like too much hassle tbh, it’s annoyed me. Wwyd?!

OP posts:
Workreturner · 08/12/2018 12:54

Gluten free bread etc everywhere
Carb low hardly revolutionary diet
Vegan so many options!!

mummmy2017 · 08/12/2018 12:54

Stop worry she will be hurt.
She has a reason to be in your area.
Job interview.
Party...
Your being used for free lodgings...
Send text... Sorry but I have made a mistake, need to cancel weekend...
Will let you know when baby arrives.

FrancisCrawford · 08/12/2018 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Surfskatefamily · 08/12/2018 12:56

Id message. "Iv had a think and since i dont have dogs id rather not have them in the house. Can you let me know if you can still make it?"
You may then not have to worry about any of the diet stuff as she may cancel. And if she can make it sans dogs just do takeout

Bluesmartiesarebest · 08/12/2018 12:57

Send the text and save yourself the hassle. Vegan, gluten free and no carbs is pretty much impossible to cater for!

FrancisCrawford · 08/12/2018 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 08/12/2018 13:01

@workreturner what meals would you suggest that don’t involve much cooking? The only things I can think of are stir fry or salad with vegan tofu or similar.

skybluee · 08/12/2018 13:08

It all seemed OKish until the text about the dietary requirements.

Do you want to see her? Would you like to spend two days with her?

Is it an option to put the two dogs into kennels for the two days? That would cut your work down considerably, as I think your house will get covered with dog hairs.

I'd say yes and buy a few vegan bits for her, enough for a meal but I wouldn't go crazy. She can help sort it out when she gets there... I don't think that's unreasonable.

MirandaGoshawk · 08/12/2018 13:10

Your friend is a lightweight - DD is vegan and fussy about gluten and carbs and we can't have anything with palm oil or palm fat or that is wrapped in plastic! When she comes home she & I go to Sainsbury's and stock up and then she takes over the kitchen. She cooks for all of us, with me peeling carrots etc, and always produces something delicious! So maybe your friend just needs permission to do this. Also re the dogs - they are part of her family so maybe not easy to put in kennels. Also if she's out of the house for an hour each day - great! You can rest.

But if it's stressing you out, I'd say what a PP has said - postpone it for six months, but bear in mind that you'll find you really won't want the dogs then!

Mummylife2018 · 08/12/2018 13:14

@MirandaGoshawk Wrapped I'm plastic?????? What the.....?! Hmm

manicinsomniac · 08/12/2018 13:19

YANBU

But please don't make up an excuse. Be honest. I really struggle when plans gets cancelled and assume that people are lying/making excuses/ don't want to see me - I really doubt I'm alone it that. Social paranoia is very common (especially likely in a difficult eater who is going through a rough ride relationship wise).

I would say,
'I'm worried about this weekend. Pregnancy is making me less energetic and adaptable than normal and I'm worried about the dogs and being able to cater for your dietary needs. I'd love to see you but can we either try for a date in a few months or just have a really low key weekend with takeaways/eating out and no dogs. Sorry to mess you around but it's all just a bit much for me at the moment. Happy with either of those options. Let me know what you want to do.'

Or, if you genuinely don't feel close to her and have no particular interest in an extended meet up ever, I would say so. It will hurt but it will be less drawn out and horrible that being constantly put off until contact just fizzles out.

Genevieva · 08/12/2018 13:25

We have a relative of my husband's is like that. She is 60 and single. Usually stays for a week. Never lifts a finger or contributes towards costs of meals even though I have to buy special food that meets her dietary requirements. Then last time she indulged in a slice of quiche as a 'treat'. It was a special Quiche Lorraine from a deli, so very nice, but I thought she didn't eat meat or eggs or cream or wheat, so I had gone to a lot of effort for her, then it turns out she does eat these things when she feels like it. She has very little family, so she will stay again, but I won't make as much effort.

In your case, I would cancel. Lots of good idea here on what to say.

Panicwiththebisto · 08/12/2018 13:32

Diet aside, the doggies will get all wet and muddy this time of year (bet she would grab your best towels to dry them off and not bring her own), and the smell of wet dog in the house and car is not pleasing to many.

Steamedbadger · 08/12/2018 13:32

I'm afraid I'd have been out once she asked about the dogs. The midwife excuse sounds perfect.

dustarr73 · 08/12/2018 13:40

The midwife excuse is perfect.Theres no way she can argue with that.Plus it means you can meet in a few months if you feel up to it.

But if she isnt a close friend i bet she has something else planned in your area.And you are dogsitter and hotel rolled in to one.She just sounds the sort.

MirandaGoshawk · 08/12/2018 13:41

@MummyLife2018 We are both lucky to have shops nearby that do fabulous organic (did I mention organic?!) rice, beans, spices, nuts etc that they sell in paper bags, and oils etc in glass, or you can take your own containers to be filled.

It has taken me a very long time to find a vegan no-palm oil Christmas pud. Found one in a deli-type place. This food is expensive, but OTOH you're buying beans instead of meat so saving there. Also it does make you think, and makes you appreciate your food more. DH will only eat organic meat now (because of the higher welfare) which is a PITA, I can tell you . Thanks to her,
I couldn't bring myself to buy a stollen with palm oil and again I found one eventually. If we are going to change things, we have to use our purchasing power!

MissRhubarb · 08/12/2018 13:51

@manicinsomniac Sat 08-Dec-18 13:19:56
YANBU

But please don't make up an excuse. Be honest. I really struggle when plans gets cancelled and assume that people are lying/making excuses/ don't want to see me - I really doubt I'm alone it that. Social paranoia is very common (especially likely in a difficult eater who is going through a rough ride relationship wise).

I would say,
'I'm worried about this weekend. Pregnancy is making me less energetic and adaptable than normal and I'm worried about the dogs and being able to cater for your dietary needs. I'd love to see you but can we either try for a date in a few months or just have a really low key weekend with takeaways/eating out and no dogs. Sorry to mess you around but it's all just a bit much for me at the moment. Happy with either of those options. Let me know what you want to do.'

This is a really good response. I come from a family who pointlessly tell minor lies when cancelling/avoiding things. I was brought up watching my mum do it all the time, and realised I do it myself needlessly when there's nothing wrong with telling the truth.

KarmaStar · 08/12/2018 13:54

Vegans entitled?that's a very ignorant comment.

GinandGingerBeer · 08/12/2018 13:56

How about:
Dear fussy Diva
On second thoughts I could do without two smelly dogs and your lifestyle choice of a restrictive diet, so I'm out....
Too direct? Grin

AntMoon · 08/12/2018 14:19

Exactly what @MissRhubarb and @manicinsomniac said.

Save stress and do it now!
A (true) friend will understand.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 08/12/2018 14:33

Due to the dogs and diet restrictions you could offer to go to visit her. I bet she says no thank you as she won’t want to host.

OffToBedhampton · 08/12/2018 14:48

which is how I think I got myself in this mess, when she said she wanted to meet I thought it’d be a day thing then the demands rolled in)

You need to say "i'll think about it & get back to you" in future when someone starts making demands that you're not comfortable with. It gives you space to formulate your thoughts and to define what you want.
("no I can't do the whole weekend visitors thing, but we must do a lunch ")

She is CF to expect to bring two dogs & for you cater for her all weekend when you hadn't even invited her and given you're not that close. Your updates changed the context.

Just use the midwife excuse, that was suggested by PP. But do say No now, that on reflection you can't do a weekend like that and cancel it.

Don't let her come with two dogs who'll likely put mud after walks all over your bedding, carpets, sofa, etc ..!! Before even the rest of it!!

Then next time or even this time be honest upfront if she starts with adding in diva demands ..... "I said yes to meeting up out during the day to catch up. I wasn't expecting it to turn into a stay at mine for long weekend, bringing your dogs and catering to a restricted diet all weekend. I feel a bit pressured. That's really not relaxing for me and I won't have dogs in my house. On reflection it's not going to work it'd be nicer instead to meet up for lunch out. "

onalongsabbatical · 08/12/2018 14:48

Someone said that vegan and low-carb and and gluten-free are all easy. FFS the woman is ALL THREE! I'm gluten-free and let me tell you most GF specific foods are not the other two!

She probably lives on mushrooms. Anyone with so many restrictions has to take their own responsibility for their diet. I never visit anyone without taking my own bread as a minimum, and never expect anyone else to get their head round feeding me, it's my responsibility.
Quite apart from the dogs, this person is expecting far too much in someone else's house, especially a pregnant woman.

schopenhauer · 08/12/2018 14:49

The diet crap annoys me (i avoid carbs but I wouldn’t impose this on anyone else, how rude) but the dogs is a total dealbreaker. Where will they sleep? What will they eat? What will they drink from? Is she bringing all that stuff? I wouldn’t want them in my house, too smelly and hairy. That would be a no from me.

PurpleDaisies · 08/12/2018 15:22

Gluten free bread etc everywhere
Carb low hardly revolutionary diet
Vegan so many options!!

Gluten free bread is not low carb.
Many vegan options will be out because of the low carb stipulation.

Normal vegan is pretty easy to accommodate.

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