Do you host DC's friends?

[BorisAndDoris]

The dark nights are getting in and I've come to notice (and quite frankly, become bloody annoyed) that DD never gets inside her friend's houses. They're in first year of high school. She has lots of friends, is a well liked, bright popular girl who has never been in trouble in her life but the other day I heard one friend describing her house to her. It brought it to my attention that DD has never been inside even though it's just a small number of streets away. All the kids live in a very small area so distance isn't the issue I asked her if she ever goes in their houses like they regularly do in mine and she told me no, their mum's/dad's don't want kids in.

I often have up to 5 girls in my living room or DDs bedroom, eating our snacks and drinking our soft drinks, even sleeping over.
Like her friends, DD only gets over the threshold of a few houses when the one who lives there is getting something or popping in for some reason.

I recall a conversation with one of the girls mum's saying how she only let her girl out on winter nights if she was going somewhere indoors, not roaming around outside. It's just occurred to me that that means my house but never hers.

AIBU to want to do the same and not allow kids into my house when it is never ever reciprocated? DD has had kids sleeping over at least one night a month but she's slept out just 4 times ever. It's the same for all the girls. They don't sleep or hang out at each other's either, just mine.

I'd rather my kids were happy and wanted to be in my home with their friends than wanted to be elsewhere.

Ds1 never brings friends home, he says it's logistics - our village is very small with no facilities and friends villages are bigger.
Ds2 would have friends round all the time if he could, although since starting secondary it's become much less due to the geographical spread of new friends.

It’s annoying but I’d rather be the one whose house they come to! At least you can see what they are getting up to and have a better idea of your DD’s friendships etc. I bet when she’s older you’ll be glad.

I’d limit it to one night a week of allowing guests over/in. I’d not want the responsibility of watching them, or have them eating things I’d bought for the family. But I’m on a low income and can’t afford extas so it would affect me financially. Plus I’m not a fan of guests tbh. I don’t like a lot of people in my house that I need to mind once I’m in from a stressful day.

I never get the angst over reciprocal invites for play dates or hanging out. Mine have friends over whenever they like, I don't care if they don't get invited back as I don't host for that reason.

I much prefered mine to be at home, especially when younger as I know it's a safe and secure place.

We have DS13's friends here most evenings. He goes to various sports clubs with different ones so we're often feeding a few extra mouths before taking them to where they need to be. Both DC are social creatures so often have friends here.

DS7 is still at the age for playdates so there's generally a mate of his here once or twice a week, too.

I quite like having their friends feel comfortable here; as they get older it's nice to know their mates and to know they know they're always welcome. DH is an antisocial goat and shuts himself in his office when it gets too much, but he'd do that with our own DC never mind others.

I do feel the same in regards to my children being welcome here but it does irk me that my child isn't welcomed anywhere else. I've been happy to host since they were old enough to be out on their own (very young tbh in our small village)

The fact is, constant hosting does put me out somewhat, the extra noise, lots of people in my little council flat and of course the added cost of snacks and drinks which I feel I wouldn't refuse. It would be nice if one of the other parents shouldered it instead once in a blue moon.

I love a houseful. Mine were nevertheless allowed to ‘just hang around town’ or anywhere else for that matter. I did expect to know where my children were and who they were with. I was happy to provide a haven for their friends, if necessary.
I still love a crowd of young people and nothing is nicer than half the rugby team turning up for Sunday lunch or a BBQ with old school friends you’ve known since early childhood ( with or without their parents).

It's just the way it is. We have a small house so they tend to hang out at the bigger houses. One friend in particular lives next door to school and that's the house they choose. I've discussed this with friend's mum and she said she was well aware this would be the case when they moved in.

I can understand why it's annoying. The layout of my home means that if "extras" are here, they impact on the rest of us. If in the lounge diner then whoever is downstairs gets to hear all the noise. As DC's share a bedroom it impacts on another DC if they're in the bedrooms.

However as my DC are rapidly getting older and life seems to be going so quick, and bearing in my mind the whole "better in my house where I can see them, I try to make myself more tolerant of the situation.

Buy specific cheap snacks and some affordable fruit and let that be the alloted punt for the week. Once it's gone it's gone attitude.
Make your rules known to DD so that you both feel happy with the situation eg friends should put rubbish in bin, wash glasses, leave bathroom decent etc. Let DD know that you expect her to ensure these rules are follwed. I always tell my DC friends that they are welcome to help themselves to drinks etc and not to expect to be waited on hand and foot so I don't feel like I've got guests.

Perhaps I'm just lucky that the friends calling to mine are respectful, polite, and basically good kids. I could have a different theory if I didn't like their ways or influence on my DC. But at least I see whats going on as it goes on at mine iykwim.

Only 8 years till my youngest is likely to leave home, it will pass in a flash!

I know what you mean. It sounds a bit like you feel taken for a fool but I wouldn’t mind it. I’d like that mine is the house they come to and I know where my children are. I am a control freak though I think 😂.

The friends will all remember you and your family / house as good safe times and your daughter will be grateful. I know this because it was my experience growing up. I remember overhearing my mum and dad talking ‘I suppose we’ll be dropping off and picking up again then’ things like that but they always did it still and I’m so thankful now ☺️

I'm happy to be the one whose house all the kids come to. I'm happy with this. There are basic rules like: I'm not tidying up afterwards, I'm not buying loads of supplies - It's juice / water and biscuits if they're hungry. Homework must be done etc.

But I much prefer them here than elsewhere. My kids appreciate that we have a house like this.

It must be infuriating that you feel obliged to provide snacks and drinks which is putting you out of pocket and it does seem unfair that other parents aren't reciprocating, but on balance I'd be pleased that my dd felt comfortable enough to invite her friends round to my house.

Annoying yes.

But you are probably also helping your DD to be popular and well liked so possibly worth the trade off? Not implying that is why she is popular just it won't hurt!

Mine is the hangout house as well. It did annoy me when some parents would never allow their child to even have one friend in, but always lamented if their child was at home or in the park when it was cold/rainy/etc.

It was a pain. Especially as I have 6 kids over a large age range so sometimes a house full of teenagers was the last thing I needed with a poorly baby (That did annoy me. my youngest was very unwell when she was a tiny baby and basically the teens didn't have anywhere to hang out for several weeks because no-one would take a turn).

However, DS is now 18 and my twin girls nearly 16. Mine is the house that they drink in at the weekend (totally vetted by me with strict rules and parental permission). It's the go to place when someone fights with their parents/boyfriend/girlfriend and I know more about the kids locally than I could ever have imagined which has helped me keep an eye on mine unobtrusively. There's a huge drink and drugs culture in this town and I'm not saying it's the only reason they've steered clear of it, but it has helped .

Totally get what you mean but it's great for your DC that you're like this and you'll probably end up with a closer relationship (and with the friends too). My mum wasn't the sort to encourage people round at all so I never felt relaxed on the rare occasions it happened. And because of her rules we don't have a close relationship at all.

I provide diluting juice and a couple of big bags of crisps a week at most. The rest they bring with if they want.

You don't know the situation of the other parent, so I would reserve judgement. Sometimes things like mental health issues mean having people over is just too much for the adult. Or, like in my case, I couldn't have people over because my dad was an angry mum and my mum a drunk. It's kind of you to always have their kids over - I never had that. Your daughter will grow up with happy memories :)

*angry man. Not mum. Lol.

I have sweets biscuits drinks in the house and I'm a pensioner 😋

The best advice I had when DC were younger was to make our house the hub for their friends. You can learn so much about what's going on and they genuinely forget you're there and talk candidly about stuff they wouldn't tell you themselves.

If providing snacks etc is an issue, see if your DD could ask her friends to pop home for some snacks before they come round or start up a kitty between them all on the pretext of being able to choose what they have instead of sticking with what you've got in.

And be grateful you don't have a DS as he and his friends would eat you out of house and home!

Dd (year 8) can invite friends over if she wants to, although she doesn’t that often as she and her friends are pretty busy with extra curricular activities, etc. But when she goes out it’s always to a friend’s house - she never just roams around outside without specific plans....

Personally I don't have this problem, DD's friends parents are all equally welcome of their kids friends.
I'd take it as a compliment that yours is the favoured hang out. You must be the nicest parent

Maybe you could explain the situation to your dd and get her to ask friends to bring some food sometimes? Once they've realised, I bet they or their parents will be more than happy to make a contirbution, in view of the fact that you are doing absolutely everything else.

It wasn't possible for me to have my teenager's friends round more than once in a blue moon and there was a particular family who nearly always hosted. Most of the young people would turn up for a sleepover carrying a pizza or a few bags of crisps and maybe the occasional bottle of wine as a thank you to the parents. I'm under no illusion that we parents of guests were "doing our share" by sending along food, but we were doing something at least.