Do you host DC's friends?

[BorisAndDoris]

The dark nights are getting in and I've come to notice (and quite frankly, become bloody annoyed) that DD never gets inside her friend's houses. They're in first year of high school. She has lots of friends, is a well liked, bright popular girl who has never been in trouble in her life but the other day I heard one friend describing her house to her. It brought it to my attention that DD has never been inside even though it's just a small number of streets away. All the kids live in a very small area so distance isn't the issue I asked her if she ever goes in their houses like they regularly do in mine and she told me no, their mum's/dad's don't want kids in.

I often have up to 5 girls in my living room or DDs bedroom, eating our snacks and drinking our soft drinks, even sleeping over.
Like her friends, DD only gets over the threshold of a few houses when the one who lives there is getting something or popping in for some reason.

I recall a conversation with one of the girls mum's saying how she only let her girl out on winter nights if she was going somewhere indoors, not roaming around outside. It's just occurred to me that that means my house but never hers.

AIBU to want to do the same and not allow kids into my house when it is never ever reciprocated? DD has had kids sleeping over at least one night a month but she's slept out just 4 times ever. It's the same for all the girls. They don't sleep or hang out at each other's either, just mine.

It's lovely that yours is the go-to house but not all the time. Restrict it to one night during the week and stick to it. If they're coming straight from school obviously they're hungry so offer tea and toast, nothing else. No snacks and no cans of cola etc.

I agree with you op, it's rude. DDs friends always come here, but she tells me they're "not allowed" to bring people into their houses. I think this is selfish of the parents, and also unfair on their own DC unless there is a good reason. When DH used to work nights I didn't allow DD to have friends over in the holidays until 3pm - that is a good reason. My friends DS has ASD and finds a lot of noise and chaos difficult - that's a good reason. But just not wanting your DCs friends to set foot in your house EVER? Even every six months? That's selfish when you know your DC are warm, fed and having fun in someone else's home while you're enjoying peace and quiet!

My Ds's are all in their 30's now and their friends still say to us (when they see me or DH) how much they loved coming to ours when they were teenagers.
Some of ther friends came from less than happy, secure, homes and I think they appreciated being somewhere where they felt relaxed and were fed.
Op you are obviously a welcoming person, i'm sure your daughter without realising it really appreciates the fact that you are happy to have her friends at yours.

Always hadfriends here. Meant l knew where they were. We have separate living rooms so we had space. I fed them. They are still coming here and dcs are in their 20s. They arrive home from
College and the doorbell is going. Its entertainment for me now as they come in the kitchen and chat with me.
Make your home a welcoming place. Don't mind the others. But do have strict rules about clearing up. My dh would treat friends like our own and say..oh lads don't forget to tidy before ye go and they would.

@DDIJ we've just the one living room so often they'll have to be shifted to go stand in the kitchen or off to My DDs shared bedroom (therefore displacing her sister) so I can sit down and playing music is banned because there's one or two who just have their phones making a right old racket constantly.

I don't mind having a houseful but I do get annoyed by the fact that people are happy to have their child hosted but think their peace and privacy is worth more than mine.

Not to mention, it makes my DD feel unwelcome.

This is the reason you see loads of teens roaming the streets and some getting in to trouble, causing a nuisance or sometimes worse-shit parents that can't be arsed parenting teens.

My DS isn't quite in his teens yet, but he does have his friends over a lot. I like it that way tbh. I like kids, I like a houseful, I like to help him be well-liked and popular. I feed them and let them chill out. I don't make a fuss about mess, but once they've gone, I insist that DS helps clear up after them.

Everyone's different - some people just get really stressed with other people's kids in their houses, while for me, it's a cosy, relaxing thing.

I am the go-to house for certain of my dc's friends. One friend never invited my dc back, so I asked them why one day. He eventually admitted that it was because his parents didn't like having other children in their home. Basically she's a bit of a clean freak, doesn't want the hassle and is tight, so doesn't like to share their food !

Initially I was furious, but then I thought poor kid. Now I like the fact that their friends can relax here, have something to eat, just hang out. I've got to know them well as a result, often it's fun, and I hope gives them all happy memories. Occasionally I feel resentful, but other parents have my dc back, so I just remind myself that ultimately those parents are actually the losers.

My dc are 30 and 24 now and this was like our house. We live in a street close to the city centre which is obviously convenient.
I remember having good times having friends over when they were younger and my dd s friend often stayed with us as she had a volatile relationship with her dad and step mum.
Most of their friends still pop round (both at home just now) and my dd s friend says she loved coming here as it was a happy safe place and she knew I would welcome her so I agree with a pp. You get to know who dc are with and those kids grow up and remember you as the safe place.

We are the come to house aswell - always tripping over teens

They aren't any bother and they usually take the living room and I go for a lie down!!

They do however go to friends aswell - so it feels reciprocated

One friend has a clean freak mother who obviously cares more about her home than her child's well being - this one in particular goes a bit mad round here because she allowed to eat in the living room take drinks in there etc which is never allowed at homes

Ours was the go to house for my sons' friends. I miss it now they've grown up & moved out.

mine is the go to house, dd;s have their own bedrooms and we have 2 sitting rooms so there's plenty of space.most of her their friends live in cramped conditions so i dont mind.

I'm so glad my parents let my best friend come over when we were growing up. We were practically inseparable and she was always staying for dinner or sleeping over - it got to the point where I had to tell my mum if she wasn't going to be there rather than if she was

I understand it's frustrating but believe me your teens will really appreciate you hosting their friends. Not everyone has a happy home life and there could be all sorts of reasons your DC aren't invited back. A shift-working parent, a controlling partner, parents who work late, lots of younger siblings who need more attention, elderly or sick relatives - you just don't know.

We bought our house for the sole reason it had a really big games room that we have turned into the teenager’s den so they come over a lot but it doesn’t impact us particularly. Obviously, I appreciate we’re pretty lucky on that score.

I don’t know why they’re so keen though as we have pretty strict rules. No drinking/smoking, no loud music after 10 and no eating all our food, except for what I’ve provided. When I was a teen, our house would be the complete opposite of where I’d want to hang out. I just went to the party houses!

And I agree with RecklessRuby It really comes into its own when they leave for Uni and your home remains the de facto hanging out house when they’re all home. It’s lovely to see these kids grown into adults.

I absolutely do host my DDs' friends. Take them out with us too at times. I love having a house full.

But with us, it is mostly reciprocated - the only one who doesn't reciprocate is DD2's GF's mum, who is not on board with her DD not being straight and has also banned her from sleepovers at our house (though not from group sleepovers at other friends' houses, so that is a workaround). Everyone else reciprocates.

Yanbu.
My dds mate was coming in every day after school and had to be told every fucking time to remove shoes before stepping on the cream carpet. It's not much to ask.
I did dinner late as she was such a fussy eater so ate after she'd left.
Parents wouldn't collect till after 5.30 which pissed me off. If I'm minding that often, i want money or reciprocity.
That's the way I'm made.
They'd get crisps and drink but I'd expect them to stay in dds room. After stress at work, i need peace at home.
Plus she spilt coke in dd room, left dd to clean it up and went home, messes up dd room. I told dd she should tell me when these thing happen and I'll call her mum to collect and ask friend to wait outside.
I don't enjoy it and have had a lovely fortnight of her not coming after school. 😁

You sound very welcoming.

My parents’ house was the go-to house, due to a good location and their hospitality, which was very nice when was a teen. they did have rules, eg noise, not too many times a week, no booze (thought this was soooooo unreasonable when was 14!) and sleepovers were very rare. They provided tea, squash, apples / oranges and cheap crisps and biscuits from places like kwik save or “basics” ranges.

My friend with the most popular house (because her parents were often out and they allowed noise and booze) never had any food at all in, we just starved or brought snacks! Good times.

Other parents did host, except one who had v v little money and was self conscious about the house being cold.

I would rather my children & their friends were at my house where I know they're safe & what they're getting up to than hanging round the streets.
In order to stop them eating me out of house & home there is a cupboard and fridge in the utility room of stuff they can eat/drink. I don't want them raiding the main fridge & eating half of what I'd planned to use for lunch boxes later on in the week or even dinner.
I don't keep that much in there - I refuse to shop for a load of hollow-legged teenagers who will eat out of habit rather than hunger.

Well done you x

My DDs don't have friends over, mainly because our home is very small and shabby and we don't have a stair carpet. It's embarrassing. This is down to me, not them being embarrassed. My family have only been here once (when we first moved in) and I only allow my very best friend to visit me at home.

When I was growing up, our house was the go to house as well. At weekends, every bedroom in the house would be bursting at the seams with teenagers. My dad used to buy butchers packs so he could make us all a big Sunday breakfast. The cutlery drawer in their kitchen still has up to 30 of each piece of cutlery my mum keeps ‘just in case’.

There was 3 of us quite close in age and we probably had at least 3 or 4 people in each all the time. My parents were fine with it. Always welcomed everyone and loved having a full house.

I’m 31 now and my friends are still close to my parents. We’ve all moved out now and I think the empty nest syndrome was even worse than normal for my mum as she lost about 30 of us from our home! She still talks about it now, says it was the best days.

I’m so grateful they were like that. My DPs parents were ones who never let people over, and he was amazed when he first visited my parents house, wondering who all the people were and he loved the atmosphere. When we were first going out, he would be in the house for about an hour talking to my parents before I even knew he was there! He’s adamant he wants our house to be like that for our DD when she’s old enough.

Enjoy it OP, it won’t last forever. In 10 years the house will be empty, and you’ll miss them

I don’t know why they’re so keen though as we have pretty strict rules. No drinking/smoking, no loud music after 10 and no eating all our food, except for what I’ve provided. When I was a teen, our house would be the complete opposite of where I’d want to hang out. I just went to the party houses!

Funnily enough ours is the go-to house despite there being quite strict rules as well.

The older teens are allowed to drink here on the weekend, but with super strict rules (parents must give permission to me, no spirits or shots, soft drinks either cans or give money to me for bottles (to stop smuggled spirits), no drinking to excess and if leaving after midnight must be collected or get a taxi) and the rest of the time I'm really strict about mess, noise and disturbing the rest of the house. Yet it's always here. I actually think sometimes kids really do prefer strict rules that are consistent as opposed to a friend's house where sometimes anything goes and sometimes the Mum is strict.

I'm with you OP.
Yes it's nice to have your children's friends over but when it's always at your house it can make you resentful.
I always provide food or snacks which cost money or let them tag along to activities which cost money.
Plus it's nice for my dd to go somewhere else occasionally for the change of scenery if nothing else.

One of DD’s friends never reciprocates as she’s very tight with food and doesnt like mess. They’re quite well off but very stingy sharing food.