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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to react when DD gets her period for the first time?

79 replies

justcurious40 · 07/12/2018 22:47

Or how not to react?

She is 11 now and we have talked about it all and she knows what will happen, etc, but I am wondering how best to react at that moment when she tells me she has her first period. Those first few words.

I think they are words that probably stay with some girls and women forever and I don't want to say the wrong thing! I don't want to commiserate as if it's bad and neither do I want to say something like "You're a woman now!" because she's not and is not ready to be either.

Help me not to put my foot in it - what do I say/not say?

OP posts:

GirlCroosh · 08/12/2018 21:31

I think ask her how she's doing and go by that rather than have some lines prepared.

If she wants to be very private and handle it herself, maybe just make sure she knows where products are, how to get stains out of pants etc. If she needs comforting, big hug, whatever she like to do when she needs support, and go through stuff with her.

Caprisunorange · 08/12/2018 21:32

The only thing I would say is my mum has only ever used tampons and just bought me tampons too. I had no problem using them, I know some young girls do, but I don’t recall her offering or talking about other Sanpro at all. I guess now I’d probably explain about all types including menstual cups, as tampons will probably be very unpopular for eco reasons in 10 years!

PeterGriffinsChin · 08/12/2018 21:34

@AntMoon

upaladderagain · 08/12/2018 21:37

With dd I handled it very like DannyWallace’s mum, and when it actually happened i went for “Congratulations! You’re well on your way to being a fully fledged woman’. We told her dad and brother and all went out for a celebratory dinner, with a toast. Drink not bread.

APositiveMind · 08/12/2018 21:42

All these mum cuddles sound so lovely! I've always been very open with my mum, I'm 22 and she's the most wonderful person in my life. She, like you, explained before it happened what it is and why we have it. I think being open about it and making occasional jokes was what put me at ease. I forgot to actually tell my mum when my period started, I think it must have been the following day I was like "oh mum I started my period by the way!" To which she asked me if I had cramps (I suffer so badly from cramps I can't walk or stand) I didn't then so we carried on as normal.
My advice is to be open minded, don't make a fuss and say something funny so it's not a serious situation which makes it much more daunting

areyoubeingserviced · 08/12/2018 21:43

My dds weren’t too fussed when they started.
I didn’t make a big deal of it tbh. I just made sure that they had access to sanitary protection
Before they even started , I bought them a little bag which contained sanitary towels , a change of underwear and a painkiller and they took this to school for at least a year before their actual period started
Dd2 was elated to have started and told her dad, my dsis and my dm that she had started. Each of them gave her £20 each.

RedSkyLastNight · 08/12/2018 21:45

I'd just be matter of fact about it. DD has told me that some of her friends' mums made a huge deal of it and they (apparently) found it mortifying.

I think it's also worth saying that it's unlikely that she will be the first girl in her friendship group to start, and girls talk very openly between themselves about periods these days. So it's possible that she may get as much or more support from friends.

sweetkitty · 08/12/2018 21:48

DD1 started at 13 but DD2 (there’s 18 months between them) started at 12, 3 months after her sister. We had spoken about it a lot, even DD3 who is 10 knows all about them.

They told me they thought they had started, I made sure they had a range of pads to try and black pants. It was not an event as such they were very matter of fact about it.

ShowOfHands · 08/12/2018 21:57

My dd started whilst at Disney with her uncle and aunt (well prepared, we were expecting it and her aunt had supplies). She was 10. She asked to facetime me, I had noro and literally had my head in a bucket. I tried to reassure dd, vomited and cried because I felt useless and couldn't speak without being sick. DD then fainted (fainted during her first few periods actually) and the connection failed.

You can't do worse than that.

springydaff · 08/12/2018 22:21

Matter of fact? Commiserations? Anybody would think it's the most boring or terrible thing to happen to a girl/woman.

When I started my periods my parents were quietly thrilled and proud. That set me up for life and I viewed periods very positively. I loved having periods - even the painful ones and the PMS etc. I just loved being a woman in that way.

My parents got a LOT wrong but imo they got that totally right.

(I wish my daughter would use a mooncup though. All that faff and expense completely sorted.)

RaininSummer · 08/12/2018 22:26

I honestly cannot remember what my Mum said or did. All I can recall is being given a family circle book to read sometime before and the absolute mortification of having to walk home from the chemist every month with an enormous brown paper bag full of kotex pads. Most things will be better than that but I agree with no 'now you are a woman' comments.

TheOnceAndFutureQueen · 08/12/2018 22:30

I was weirdly nervous when I told my mum I'd started my period because we'd never really talked much about it. I loitered outside the living room door for ages before finally going in and telling her I'd started. She did a big weary sigh and said "you and me both kiddo" then came up to the bathroom with me to see if I needed any help with pads and make sure we had enough. I was relieved she didn't make a big deal out of it!

ShockedHorrored · 08/12/2018 22:32

When I told my mum I’d started she immediately said “no you haven’t” took me a good ten minutes to convince her I had. Don’t do that.

redexpat · 08/12/2018 22:36

Discovered it friday. Told mum. Came downstairs on Saturday and she sang ooooooh bodyfo-orm, bodyformed for youuuuu in operatic style. Dont do that.

Aaarrrggghh · 08/12/2018 22:37

I remember starting mine and my mum calling all and sundry to inform them I was 'a woman now'. Urgh. Mortifying!

I did give her a bit of a fright though. I knew about periods. I was later than all of my friends to start, almost 15. When I was young, my mum used to always go on about sitting on cold stone steps, walls etc saying that it'll give you piles. I never took any heed. On the day I'd started I'd been hanging around with my friends, plenty of cold stone wall, steps, sitting going on. I'd come home and gone to the bathroom... We used to have a fully tiled mirrored wall - great for popping those hormonal spots and blackheads 😂 So, that's what I was doing when I happened to look down and saw my pants. I screamed, shouted on my mum. She couldn't get in the door as it was locked. She's shouting 'what's wrong, what's going on?!' and I screamed back 'I think I've got piles!!!!' 😂😂 My period didn't actually cross my mind. A bit of education about what piles were would've been helpful!

PoesyCherish · 08/12/2018 22:41

Haven't RTFT but for me the biggest thing would have just been having open communication from day 1. I learnt about periods through school and my parents were really awkward about puberty, periods, sex etc. I was so scared about telling them I'd started my period that I didn't tell them for a whole day and instead used tissue to try and stop my knickers getting wet. I remember my sister asking me to go on a bike ride with her and even though I felt so uncomfortable, I agreed as I didn't know how to tell her or my Mum I was having a period. When I eventually told my Mum she gave me sanpro and gave me a big hug. but open communication beforehand would've prevented a whole day of awfulness. Also I think it would've helped if I'd had sanpro explained to me before I'd started and where I could access it.

So with that in mind I always answer any questions DSD (6) has about my sanpro, growing up, puberty etc. I think just showing your DD she's able to talk to you will be a huge help. I'm sure others can help with specific words to say in that moment though.

TheWiseWomansFear · 08/12/2018 22:43

My mum was good. She asked if I had any questions and if I wanted to ask anything. I said no, she gave me some pads and told me to come to her if I wanted different products or didn't feel well.
That was it

Heartofglass12345 · 08/12/2018 23:14

My mum phoned my sister and told her, told my other sister and it was embarrassing as hell. Don't tell anyone unless she wants you to!

recklessruby · 08/12/2018 23:21

My dd started at 11 in the school holidays before secondary school. I had told her everything in year 6 but she was a bit wobbly and emotional because she got blood on her sheets. I told her it didn't matter, I have done that too. It washes out.
Gave her some painkillers and Sanpro and a cuddle. She still loves her cuddles at 24. And chocolate
We've always talked about them matter of factly.
My own experience was pretty horrible.
We had the talk in year 7 and I started age 13 in year 8 at school. I was not prepared and had to ask reception lady for a sanitary towel.
My mum was in hospital recovering from a long illness and my aunt was at home helping out.
She had changed the bedsheets that morning and found out.
When I came in she said "you're a woman now, Ruby. I 've got you some stuff but don't tell your dad". This was 1981. I hated the whole thing and still felt like a little girl but with a dark secret my father could never be told.
I didn't want to be a woman and ended up with an eating disorder (not sure if related).
I vowed NEVER to say that to a daughter if I had one.
Thank God my generation is more enlightened and my dd s always come to me for help. Last week I overheard her asking her older brother "have you got any painkillers? Got a massively painful period"
And he said "Yeah hang on I 'll get them".
They then started talking about various pain they'd been in that week. Not a big deal.
I feel a little sad for myself at 13.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 08/12/2018 23:23

I started when we were out for evening,I was 13.I came on v v heavy and when we got home I told my mum,she gave me a big hug and a massive brick sized sanitary towel

SunshineP · 08/12/2018 23:30

Likers do these first period packs so I had given her one of those just in case. I also got some Calpol melting tablets just in case. When she actually started she was quite ready. I downloaded an app on her phone to track them and we had a cuddle and a chat. Then she didn't have a second period for six months. The long gaps went on for a year but now they're quite regular. She has never had a day off school. A few of her friends seem to have quite a lot of time off because of period pain which must be rotten.

MiamiLogic · 08/12/2018 23:30

I got the mattress sized pad too. Yuck, hated them then hate them now. My mum didn’t prepare me for it, not that she’s a bad mum at all I just don’t think she expected me to have it because I was younger than my sister was. I thought I was dying because of the amount and how much it hurt. When I told her what happened she cried and called me a woman which made ME cry because I wasn’t a woman! I was a kid who liked drawing and playing with teddies still! Please don’t tell your DD she’s a woman now. So cringe to reflect on and so upsetting at the time.

Riotingbananas · 08/12/2018 23:35

I dont understand why anyone would make a fuss, or celebrate. It's just a bodily function, like a second tooth coming through or something. Low key, loving and supportive should do it. And definitely nothing about becoming a woman (cringe!).

recklessruby · 08/12/2018 23:38

Ugh just remembered the massive towels! Kotex or Dr whites or whatever they were called and the worry of it showing through the PE shorts

skybluee · 08/12/2018 23:46

my mum said i couldn't use tampons as it made you lose your virginity. i think she may still believe that now. what a load of shit.

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