14 year old and parties

[geoffbunn123]

I am a single mum and just got asked one of the dreaded questions.
" Mum can I talk to you about a party?" by my 14 year old son.

Of course I am oh please no, when your 16 we can talk about it but.............

1. He could not have talked to me about it and arranged another story of staying at a friends because..........
2. If I know, I can pick him up and friends and make sure they all get back home safe.
3. I did it.
4. Its in a village, in a nice house with friends I like.
5. I will not be supplying alcohol, though he tells me they have a plan to buy something between them.
6. Being invited is HUGE for him.

Any considered advice greatly appreciated.

'They will drink etc whether yr aware or not.'

Some will and some won't. You can't make assumptions about EVERY teenager and think you know better than their parents. Chance would be a fine thing for mine to drink without me knowing. They are either at home, college or numerous activities. They don't go to parties. Eldest is high achieving and studious but relaxes on Friday and Saturday when she is with her boyfriend who does not drink because he doesn't like the taste of alcohol.

I can’t help but feel as if the people adamant that their kids have never touched alcohol are just being naïve. Think back to when you were young, or just look around.

No. I'd be foolish to think my 16 year old doesn't drink. He wasn't drinking when he was 14, though - he wasn't even going out.

nostaples yep yr right. I spose I should've have put that differently. Maybe that if they want to drink they will. Sometimes parents won't be aware though. I didn't say that I think I know better than their parents though! Imo I just think my friends approach is good and that my opinion is as valid as anyone elses.

At 14 I was drinking on the park on a Friday night.

My parents didn’t know and would not approve. I lied and said I was just hanging around at a friends house.

He’s been honest. Don’t be too restrictive or they’ll rebel

I think there's a very big difference between drinking at 14 and drinking at 16+

I let my DD go out to parties if she asks me, which she always does. I trust her to be responsible as I've educated her and I have a decent awareness of how she behaves - She has never come home drunk, etc. So I am ok with parties.

My DSs have been having a small glass of wine or beer on family occasions since they were about 11

Why?

I’m pretty relaxed about stuff. I think as long you have prepared your child for the next stage in their life you have to hope they make good decisions- and if they don’t they’ll have a learning curve from the bad decisions they may make. You can’t wrap your kids up in cotton wool

My 14 year old wouldn't be going to a party with alcohol. I wouldn't make them tell their friends why they couldn't go, I would just tell them to say they have a family thing they have to go to.

Don't mind if we are having a family party etc and their friends and them have a few sips of something when they think we aren't looking, but I wouldn't be letting them go to a party with alcohol until at least 15.

There was a study showing that alcohol is severely damaging to brains under 15. And a 14 year old just won't (no matter how grown up they are) have the experience to deal with situations that arise from parties and alcohol - excessive consumption, kissing/sex etc, drugs, rowdy behaviour.

I really don't think I am a particularly strict parent.

If you think he is definitely going to drink regardless of what you do or say, I would be inclined to buy the alcohol for him. My parents would never buy me alcohol so I used to get people to go in the shop for me. I figured that if I could get anything I wanted I may as well get a big bottle of vodka. Most of my friends stuck to the 2 or 3 cans their parents had bought for them as they didn’t see the point in spending more money if they already had some.

If you think he is definitely going to drink regardless of what you do or say, I would be inclined to buy the alcohol for him.

Good heavens. You'd buy alcohol for a 14-year old?

Crazy

We have been pretty much like LoveBeing.

We have talked about drinking with our DS, gone through the pros and cons, made it clear that we don't want him to drink, picked him up at the end of parties and talked about how he might handle peer pressure to drink. We have never given him alcohol to take to parties.

He has been to plenty of parties where alcohol was available but generally speaking has avoided it and has only been drunk on one occasion, when we were able to take him home and made sure he was safe.

As a parent there is plenty that you can do to set boundaries and help them negotiate the minefield. There is advice on Drinkaware website & from Chief Medical Officer about setting appropriate boundaries.

As you know the people holding the party I would also suggest talking to them about how they intend to handle it. 14 is very young to be drinking and they will have plenty of opportunities later in life to drink when they are both physically and mentally more able to deal with it.

The ‘don’t be too restrictive or they will rebel’ brigade are wrong.

All the evidence says that setting limits on kids, and that includes limiting alcohol until they are at least 16, will lower their risk of doing silly things, or abusing drink, not raise it.

They need us to set sensible boundaries.

Totally agree with @greenenergy very good advice.

As a parent there is plenty that you can do to set boundaries and help them negotiate the minefield. There is advice on Drinkaware website & from Chief Medical Officer about setting appropriate boundaries.

As you know the people holding the party I would also suggest talking to them about how they intend to handle it. 14 is very young to be drinking and they will have plenty of opportunities later in life to drink when they are both physically and mentally more able to deal with it.

I am also amazed at the amount of posters saying at 14 they were drinking, staying out late, drinking in parks at night etc.

FWIW my mum never allowed me to go to the park in the evening. At the time, aged 13/14 I was too innocent to know why. I thought it was just chatting to friends and sitting on the swings. My mum (brought up in a rougher area) knew that people hang around parks looking for teenagers to hang about with, also there would likely be older teenagers who were drinking, smoking etc. She was too strict in lots of ways but on the "no park in the evening/after dark" she was absolutely right.

Maybe it depends on the park however. The park of my childhood was in a "nice" area and fine in the daytime but looking back it was just the sort of park that things would happen in with teenagers hanging around. The park we live near now is "nice" but of a summer evening there are lots of kids still around, people sunbathing, football going on etc and it's very family oriented so the feel is different.

There is no way I would allow my 14yo to be drinking at parties. I don't know though OP, if I was presented with it like you had been I can see I'd be torn between a flat No and not wanting them to be missing out/not fitting in with mates etc. I hated not fitting in with mates over lots of things growing up but like I said my mum was too strict and now I worry I'll be too lenient because I know how it feels to be so restricted. Having said that I was a really sensible, innocent teenager so I'm a different kettle of fish from two of my DCs who are already streets ahead in confidence and far more finger on the pulse than I was at their age.

Also it depends on the personality of the child. My sister was a lot more crackers than me and even as a young adult (16-30) she got absolutely plastered, couldn't stand up type drunk. She was a lot more risk-taking than me in life in general and whilst she's done brilliantly in life (as such - good job, nice home, holidays blah blah) and she never brought the police to our door she was definitely more risk taking and would see an instruction to drink a couple of serene cans as an invitation to go wild.

Whereas I would have drunk the couple of cans and dutifully come home.

As a 17 year old I was known as "the one with the dragon mum" who went mad if (say) all the taxis were busy and I was half an hour late back, even if I'd phoned her to explain and quite clearly I wasn't drunk etc and she knew exactly where I was. We're talking 11.30 curfew here on a weekend and not regularly. Also she would and did phone other parents to check we were where we said we were. I think that was an invasion of privacy too far seeing as I'd never given her cause for concern.

But do your 16 years olds really not drink?
Do you really still treat them as young children?

FGS londonlass what has one got to do with another?? No, I don't treat my teens as young children but they have no interest in drinking. Nor do I, I went to university in the early 90s and most of my peers drank. I went along, socialised, had a good time but didn't drink.

What is so hard to comprehend about that?

an’t help but feel as if the people adamant that their kids have never touched alcohol are just being naïve. Think back to when you were young, or just look around

Yup, I remember being young very well. Had no interest in drinking then either. Sorry to shatter your illusions that 'everyone' drinks.

I have to say I think there are some widely divergent views on here! And surely that means parents should be prepared for the worst!

I am 42 - when I was 14 I was drinking without my parents knowledge - heavily and horribly. I doubt much has changed - I would definitely have been safer if they had talked to me A LOT about alcohol and offered me lighter drinks, suggested safe drinking limits etc. They literally never ever spoke to me about it. I was from a 'nice' home - went to private school etc - but I drank cider til I vomited.

Those saying their 16 year olds never drink - well, you have some unusual teens there because by 16 I was out all night raving and taking drugs - as were many (not all) of the people I knew.

Assume that your kids will be offered drink and drugs between 14 and 16 - it is better to be prepared and alert even if they seem innocent.

I honestly think openness and talking and heading off challenges early is best - don't wait until they come home drunk before you think to ask them if they would like to try a beer with you etc, better they are prepared and not freaked out or too shy to say no.

can’t help but feel as if the people adamant that their kids have never touched alcohol are just being naïve. Think back to when you were young, or just look around

My 15 year old son has drank alcohol in the house with us, just lager and cider but he hasn't with friends. At his age I had. My children's lives are very very different to my own at their ages though.

I was a good teen, but I spent a lot of time out of the house with friends. Kids now, including mine, seem to stay in more, chat to friends online, my son likes gaming so that's how he spends most of his time. If he goes out with friends they tend to go to the cinema or something like that. I'm not naive and my kids talk to me about anything and everything. I'd be fine with my 15 year old drinking at a party because I know he is sensible and if things went too far, he knows we'd pick him up and although he would get a chat about drinking sensibly, he knows he wouldn't be in trouble so doesn't need to lie. As I say, im not naive, it's just not happening. I actually think many kids today are up to less than their parents were at their age, because so much of their life happens online.

OP. Is he just 14 or nearly 15 ? I think there's a big difference in maturity. I would let him go, just tell him to be sensible and call you if it goes too far. It's really positive that he's told you.

I meant to say, I wouldn't be happy if my son drank in parks and on the street but a house party is different.

A fiend of mine is a teacher and she overheard some teenage students moaning about their dads and how embarassing they were about drop offs at parties and the way they insisted on coming in at pick ups etc. She said they interesting thing was that it was obvious that the girls whose dads were involved and “over-protective” were actually subtly boasting and it was the children whose parents weren’t as involved who didn’t say anything.

At 14 I’d say yes to the party but I’d set clear boundaries re pick up times and I personally wouldn’t be condoning alcohol.

My DS16 is having a group of friends round before Christmas, they will be gaming and eating food and drinking soft drinks.

All of them, he has asked, said they were coming. It amazes me that no-one's parents have got in touch, because he knows he would have to provide me with parent details.

I'm not saying they can't bring alcohol, but I'm not serving any, but we do allow him to drink with meals. We normally have friends round just before Christmas, for a chat, food and a laugh, and he normally doesn't invite anyone, so this time, I'm encouraging him to have a party, especially as there are so many new friends, that we don't know (which is the underlying reason).

I'm lucky in that he likes me meeting his friends. I'd never have done it back in my day. My parents weren't those kinds of parents.

I have older ones (20/22) and at 14 drink was a no, with me maybe small amounts. It’s too young to deal with the situations that arise with drink