14 year old and parties

[geoffbunn123]

I am a single mum and just got asked one of the dreaded questions.
" Mum can I talk to you about a party?" by my 14 year old son.

Of course I am oh please no, when your 16 we can talk about it but.............

1. He could not have talked to me about it and arranged another story of staying at a friends because..........
2. If I know, I can pick him up and friends and make sure they all get back home safe.
3. I did it.
4. Its in a village, in a nice house with friends I like.
5. I will not be supplying alcohol, though he tells me they have a plan to buy something between them.
6. Being invited is HUGE for him.

Any considered advice greatly appreciated.

I think the fact that your DS has been honest speaks volumes about your relationship. My Mum was always easy to talk to regarding stuff like this, and because of that I never felt the need to sneak about or lie. She'd tell me if she didn't agree with something but would very rarely totally ban me from going somewhere. Because of this I pretty much stuck to the rules in place. I had friends whose parents were absolutely against any kind of parties that didn't sound like afternoon tea, pass the parcel kind of events. Most of those kids ended up lying about their whereabouts and being carted off to A&E for being completely paralytic. I think you need to find your personal balance.

raindancemumma That is exactly my whole point. My mum never talked to me about this kind of thing either and I was lying about my whereabouts, drinking to excess and getting in all sorts of bother from about the age of 13.

I'm sure my boys DO keep some stuff from me (they are nearly 17 now btw). They are at a single sex school and don't talk a lot about girls or sex without squirming (there is a girls' school in the same town, so they do mix). But its the same way as the alcohol, I have put condoms in their bathroom cabinet, just in case. (As yet untouched).

They talk to me about everything else; school, drugs, alcohol. Ask my advice, opinion and I give it, without sounding like I am condoning anything. We are here to TEACH kids, guide them, give them knowledge that they can use in the real world. Not be so overprotective that they just do it anyway and lie.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. I have an almost 18 year old and a 20 year old so have negotiated this twice. I allowed them to take small amounts of alcohol to parties at 15 (I would scan the supermarket shelves for the lowest percentage alcohol for them to take with them).

We had a golden rule that if they were out somewhere and they needed to get home one of us would get them. This applied even if they had lied about where they were/who they were with/what they had been drinking. Not to say that there wouldnt be a conversation about it the next day but at the time there would be no questions asked. I always took the phone upstairs with me when they were out.

I also chatted to them about different types of drink they might come across and got them to think about what they might say if they were pressured to drink spirits/shots or whatever. We also talked about how alcohol affects your judgement and can make you act differently. I tried to get them to think about this before they had a can of cider in their hand. They didnt always want to listen but I did what I could.

They both knew that I wasnt really happy about them drinking before they were 18 but that I understood that this is part of growing up. I really wanted them to be able to talk to me honestly because I didnt have that sort of relationship with my own parents.

I think we have come through this OK. They have both had incidents of getting falling down drunk (and throwing up all over the bathroom in DS1s case) but this has only happened once or twice.

As with all things with teenagers decide what feels right for you and your child and then stick to your guns. Oh and dont listen to them when they tell you that everyone else is taking a bottle of vodka to the party!

My 16yo has just come home from a party.
There were 30 same age kids there
No alcohol
No drugs
No smoking
They danced, socialised and all had a great evening.
Am I missing something here?

Do plan a way for him to leave without losing face.

Someone told me about setting up a signal with your dc beforehand. Eg they text you a particular emoji. A few mins later YOU ring them and say there is a family situation etc and you will need to come and pick them up. That way their friends think it is you who have called and said that they need to be home rather than them losing face and having to call mum because they feel out of their depth.

Personally I would not supply a 14yr with alcohol but I would have a chat beforehand about sensible behaviour around booze if it is there.

16 year olds not drinking??

Really?

I was working full time at 16 as a supervisor, in charge of people and customers and some days as the face of customer services, i was drinking most nights with my colleagues in the pub, although this was 18 years ago and i no longer drink

But do your 16 years olds really not drink?
Do you really still treat them as young children?
Officially , yes they are, till they are 18.
But to go to a party and not drink, when i was young, everyone was drinking

My 16 yo chooses not to drink. We drink at home, she knows she can if she wants..
No, I definitely do not treat her like a child.
We have very adult conversations about all sorts of things.
I was surprised there was no alcohol sneaked into tonight’s party , and I mean sneaked, because it might come as a big bloody surprise to many of you that I really did not expect dd’s friends parents to supply alcohol!
Wtf is going on in this world when we are discussing things like “my 15yo was unconscious after doing shots”
“My 14 yo is having sex”
“My 13yo is carrying a knife”
Etc etc etc
Seriously?
Is it so bloody wrong to have kids that respect themselves and others?

In my experience kids of that age top up their 2 cans of cider or lager with vodka, usually provided by someone's older sibling.

Calm down Benidorm

Yes, that did sound aggressive didn’t it.
I am calm. I just find it frustrating when it’s assumed that teens are out getting pissed, shagging and generally giving it large all the time.
And when I say teen, I mean 13,14 yo ffs!

Allowing a 14 year old to go to parties when you know they will be drinking is completely irresponsible. Jesus fucking Christ, have you learned nothing as a parent as to how dangerous drinking by children can be? The tired excuse, "Well I did that as a teen in the 80s/90s" is just pathetic. Have we as a society REALLY not learned better than that?

I’m really amazed that so many people think it’s ok for a 14yo to be drinking at parties!

I don't think people are saying "it's OK", I think it's more like "it happens". I just prefer mine to drink WKD or a tin of Fosters rather than neat vodka if they're going to drink.

Congrats to those whose teenagers are happy with soft drinks, chatting and dancing. Mine and their pals seem to favour illicit alcohol, snogging, friendship/relationship dramas and at least one episode of vomiting or fighting as party must-haves. We have a code where I come and collect them, no questions asked, if they feel out of their depth, and it has been used more than once.

We live in rural suffolk. Maybe it's just where we are with lack of alcohol available in shops lol but parties are not even that common!? I know it's just not the done thing. My 14yr old and his friends do not have alcohol at all and no one misses out! It's not about being 'popular' either.

I don't drink though, nor does hubby...so maybe that's why I don't find not drinking so weird.

It’s naive to think teens won’t drink in a party setting. Far better to have a conversation about it and discuss what’s reasonable or not.

Quite surprised people are quite so anti alcohol, even at 14. My DSs have been having a small glass of wine or beer on family occasions since they were about 11. There’s never been a big drama surrounding alcohol, but maybe it’s because we don’t drink to get drunk, so they don’t associate with it as a negative thing.

OP your son sounds responsible and you clearly have an honest relationship. On that basis, I’d see no harm.

You cant stop children drinking or taking drugs, they will do what they want.All you can do is educate them.
At 13/14 all my friends were drinking and the majority having sex as well. By 15/16 we were all in nightclubs and taking drugs as well, like weed and acid.

I'm a bit surprised alcohol is such a big thing that it's taken for granted tbh.

DD is 14 and her social life as taken off o er the last year and it's never cropped up as an issue - she's not interested and I presume her mates aren't either.

Tbh they're crackers enough after a metric fuckton of chocolate and Haribo!

Accept that they will drink whether you like it or not and teach them to do it safely

Not necessarily. I hate this stereotype of teenagers drinking, smoking, taking drugs and having sex. Not all teens are like that. My 17 year old dd has no interest in the above and is actually quite judgmental against those who do. Her friends are similar.

My 15 year old (nearly 16) dd has some friends who drink but again she has no interest.

I can’t help but feel as if the people adamant that their kids have never touched alcohol are just being naïve. Think back to when you were young, or just look around.

Agree,@twosoups1972 increasing numbers of young people are choosing not to drink and understanding that you don't have to drink to have a good time. Universities are starting to get to grips with this and are offering activities and areas during Freshers week and beyond which are not centred around alcohol. It's a shame so many parents make this assumption as it ends up putting pressure on those children who don't want to drink/ are not ready to start drinking yet.

My dcs are 14 and 16. The eldest is starting to have the occasional sip but her boyfriend doesn't like the taste at all so doesn't drink and they're quite serious about each other, spending most of their limited free time together. The youngest has not tried alcohol. To those who assume they must be hiding it from me, no, again this say more about you and your attitude to alcohol. We are very open with each other and I wouldn't mind at all if the eldest started drinking a little bit now. She's just not really interested and is too busy. I think 14 is far too early so I wouldn't be happy about that but she doesn't really go out to parties so she hasn't got the opportunity.

I see the children of friends and family who have started drinking early (pretty much encouraged by their parents) and I think it's actually quite sad. Seen family parties spoiled by teenagers vomiting on the table, not good. Also teenagers losing whole days and losing interest in their studies because of it.

Research tells us that children's brains are more easily damaged by alcohol and drinking early can change their habits so I'm glad my children haven't drunk yet. If they choose to drink when they're older, that's fine.

And for those who say if you introduce or allow them to drink early 'to get used to it' so they don't drink to excess later, this is a myth. The research tells us that it's the opposite - and it's better to delay for as long as you can.

Think it helps that a lot of my dds' and dd1's boyfriend have friends who are Muslim so it's just not part of their culture the way it is with white British kids and they find frankly more productive ways to spend their time.

Year 10 parties are fine. I know the parents, am dropping off Ds1 and 3 of his friends, and picking up.

At least he's talking to you OP.

Can't stand the everyone was at it when I was young attitude either. Everyone smoked too so is it OK if your kids smoke as long as they talk to you about it? Attitudes really need to shift. There is nothing good about drinking pre 16 and you are not being a responsible parent if you are encouraging it.

Totally agree with pp. Not all kids drink and smoke lol neither did all adults as teens.

Society has made children grow up quicker. They are given more responsibility and more choices which isn't always a good thing. They will drink etc whether yr aware or not. Like its often quoted that you think you know what yr dc is doing online but a high percentage of parents don't. My friends 16 yr old ds has asked a similar question as yrs. She has decided to let him have some alcohol to try before he goes to a party in a couple of weeks time. She's strict but doesn't want him to not feel part of the crowd. At the same time they have discussed the effects and she has said to him that she will trust him to be sensible. My dcs not at that stage that but I think she's got it right. Be glad he's being open with you. He sounds sensible and cautious. Ask him what he thinks first you might be surprised at his answer.

I meant that I think my friend has got it right.