Suspect DH of emotional cheating with a colleague

[laila05]

Hi
I have always been a silent member and always appreciated the support this group provides. Today I need little help and sanity check from you. Please bear with me as it will be a long post. DH and I almost been married for 10 years and have two beautiful DS. We had our ups and downs over those years. In the last two years I thought that our relationship was doing really well and was stable. We had few fights which every couple has. In the last few months DH started becoming close to a female work colleague. She is married and has three DDs. The colleague had given him presents over the last year or so which he had told me were from her. He asked me to bring few presents for her daughters and her when I went abroad to visit my parents which I did. till then I didn't suspect anything. Few weeks ago she had arranged a party at her home where only work colleagues were invited and not spouses. As her place is at an hours drive from where we live. DH said that she has offered him to stay her place after the party as there was going to be drinking etc. I found that strange because DH is someone who is very reserved although her husband and daughters were going to be there too. I told him why not get a hotel room to which he decided that he will come back home and not stay the night. Few days after that I was going through his phone looking for something and saw texts between him and her. DH is not someone who shares his emotions easily but with her he was very appreciative for all her support and had put a heart at the end. She had sent various texts to him as well thanking for his support etc with smiley and heart eyes. In all our married life he has only sent me heart in a message once or twice in a text. DH and the colleague had gone away in October to a conference together where he had been asking her where is she and what time will they meet up for dinner. In all her replies she had smiley with heart eyes. I didn't say anything to DH about texts as I thought I am being paranoid. What I did do though was ask him whether it was ok for work colleagues to exchange hearts in a message. He asked me whether someone had sent it to me and I said yes. and his reply was that is not right and shouldn't happen. The other change in our married life was that in last few months DH had become more sexually active and saying things you are hot and other things when he never said that in last 10 years. We started experimenting new things too. which all made me think that our relationship was going really well. Over the wknd we had a fight about how he is not actively trying to look for another job opportunity. He currently works at two places. One is permanent position and other contract. His excuse was I don't have time. I asked why not leave permanent (that's where the colleague) is and do contract. His reply was that I am never going to leave that workplace as I get support from that work place which I don't from you at home. That's when I brought up the texts. He first got offended and then said that she is just a really good friend. I then asked about the heart messages to which he said that we are like brother and sister. We had a major fight and I left the room. I then received an e-mail which informed me that he had changed his e-mail password. I hadn't even looked at his e-mails. When I asked him he said that he was just protecting himself. Since then we haven't been talking. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Can't stop myself from crying. He insists that there is nothing and I am being paranoid,. I don't know what to think. I have lost faith in him. 9 years ago we had a similar fall out where I had seen an e-mail where he had confessed that he is still in love with his ex and marrying me was biggest mistake of his life. Is it normal for work colleagues to exchange heart text messages? Does any of the above sounds normal. or am I being paranoid.

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I have always been a silent member and always appreciated the support this group provides. Today I need little help and sanity check from you. Please bear with me as it will be a long post.

DH and I almost been married for 10 years and have two beautiful DS. We had our ups and downs over those years. In the last two years I thought that our relationship was doing really well and was stable. We had few fights which every couple has.

In the last few months DH started becoming close to a female work colleague. She is married and has three DDs. The colleague had given him presents over the last year or so which he had told me were from her. He asked me to bring few presents for her daughters and her when I went abroad to visit my parents which I did. till then I didn't suspect anything.

Few weeks ago she had arranged a party at her home where only work colleagues were invited and not spouses. As her place is at an hours drive from where we live. DH said that she has offered him to stay her place after the party as there was going to be drinking etc. I found that strange because DH is someone who is very reserved although her husband and daughters were going to be there too. I told him why not get a hotel room to which he decided that he will come back home and not stay the night.

Few days after that I was going through his phone looking for something and saw texts between him and her. DH is not someone who shares his emotions easily but with her he was very appreciative for all her support and had put a heart at the end. She had sent various texts to him as well thanking for his support etc with smiley and heart eyes. In all our married life he has only sent me heart in a message once or twice in a text. DH and the colleague had gone away in October to a conference together where he had been asking her where is she and what time will they meet up for dinner. In all her replies she had smiley with heart eyes.

I didn't say anything to DH about texts as I thought I am being paranoid. What I did do though was ask him whether it was ok for work colleagues to exchange hearts in a message. He asked me whether someone had sent it to me and I said yes. and his reply was that is not right and shouldn't happen.

The other change in our married life was that in last few months DH had become more sexually active and saying things you are hot and other things when he never said that in last 10 years. We started experimenting new things too. which all made me think that our relationship was going really well.

Over the wknd we had a fight about how he is not actively trying to look for another job opportunity. He currently works at two places. One is permanent position and other contract. His excuse was I don't have time. I asked why not leave permanent (that's where the colleague) is and do contract. His reply was that I am never going to leave that workplace as I get support from that work place which I don't from you at home.

That's when I brought up the texts. He first got offended and then said that she is just a really good friend. I then asked about the heart messages to which he said that we are like brother and sister. We had a major fight and I left the room. I then received an e-mail which informed me that he had changed his e-mail password. I hadn't even looked at his e-mails. When I asked him he said that he was just protecting himself.

Since then we haven't been talking. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Can't stop myself from crying. He insists that there is nothing and I am being paranoid,. I don't know what to think. I have lost faith in him. 9 years ago we had a similar fall out where I had seen an e-mail where he had confessed that he is still in love with his ex and marrying me was biggest mistake of his life. Is it normal for work colleagues to exchange heart text messages? Does any of the above sounds normal. or am I being paranoid.

Rainbowlia are you for fucking real? That was an unnecessarily bitchy and snide reply. OP, that sounds horrible. Hopefully other posters with experience of this will be along soon. Maybe try to get this post moved to the relationships board. To me it sounds like it might be more than an emotional affair and he doesn't sound great after you mentioned the email you found a few years back.

Thanks Rainbowlia . As I said new posting so wasn't aware that I could do paragraphs.

cheesydoesit thanks I will post it in relationships.

@Rainbowlia how rude!

OP this doesn’t sound good to me, I’m sorry. I think they have crossed a line and you should think about leaving him.

To read this post is the to think, for 95% of it, that’s it’s possibly paranoia and probably not so bad. Then BOOM ‘marrying you was the biggest mistake..’ is casually thrown in towards the end..

That’s the bit that is possibly most significant. If he still feels that way it’s surprising that you both lasted this long, and kind of only a matter of time before someone/something motivates him enough to act upon his dissatisfaction.

If he is indeed involved in something untoward with the colleague, would that be game over for you? Or would you continue to persevere, and to what end?

With his email from years ago in mind, and the fact that you don’t trust each other, the pertinent question could be, then, what is it exactly that you are both fighting to preserve?

Your Op was perfectly readable.

Sorry, it doesn't sound good. I had a similar experience with my ex having a full on affair with a work colleague and much of what you mentioned resonated with me, especially the increased sex drive and the new sexual approach.

Did you ask why he said it was inappropriate for you to receive texts with hearts from your colleges when he had been doing the same?

Very suspicious about the change of email password too.

I do think it appears to be at least an emotional affair. The changing of the email password is a big red flag imo as well as the secrecy and deflecting.

Ignore Rainbowlia OP.

Sorry to say it doesn’t sound good. There def appears to be an emotional element there even if it’s not physical. For the record I only use that emoji with dp or the dc.

An emotional affair at the very least, he basically admitted that when questioned indirectly about the heart emojis. Changing email password leads me to believe there is even more to it.

Also what is he protecting himself against by changing his password? Sounds like he is trying to cover his arse by not letting you see the emails. I cant see another reason why he would change it

I would guess more than an emotional affair. I am really sorry - I think you will get better advice on here than I can give but didn't want to read and run

Marrying you was the biggest mistake of his life?

Goodness if I were you I’d have responded “well I’m not about to make the biggest mistake of mine. Don’t let the door hit you on the arse on the way out.”

Seriously OP. How do you expect to come back from that comment alone, never mind your suspicions about his fidelity.

I’m so sorry OP. I really do feel this is probably an emotional affair, as women I am a great believer in when you know, you know! hope your ok.

You stayed with someone who is still in love with their ex and said that marrying you was the biggest mistake of their life.

Thanks everyone for your support. A part of me is shattered in the confirmation that I wasn't being paranoid and there is atleast emotional cheating.
OnoAnotherNC I am sorry you went through something like that in the past. On one hand you are confirming my worst fears. and on another I suppose I need to get my head out of sand.
His justification for changing his password is that 9 years ago when that e-mail happened I had changed his password so that he couldn't access it and I had downloaded the e-mails and forwarded to my family. We had to go through extensive therapy after that. and it took me years to get over that.

If he didn't have any emails that were inappropriate he wouldn't of needed to have changed the password imo as there would be nothing to find. Is there anyway you could try and access he's emails? tbh it is highly suspicious behaviour

OP, I do think that he is having an emotional affair, based on what you have described and agree with PP that what he said in his email 9 years ago, must have been hard to come back from.

My sister asked the other day what the difference between an EA and a friendship is, and I said if it is lied about, hidden, and your DP is seeking emotional comfort secretly elsewhere, then that is the difference.

If they were away, it is possible and likely there has been some physical interactions too.

I am 2 years on from my DHs EA. There were some mitigating circumstances, that were the only reason I stayed. I believe there was one physical interaction but he denies this. I think about it every single day. I had to get him to change all his passwords because I was living my life to check on him and was driving myself mad. There are still a lot of days where I want to leave. There are still a lot of days where I get anxious, and based on nothing, I start to think he is doing it again.

A physical affair is almost easier - it is cut and dry and less open to interpretation. An EA is gut wrenchingly hard, you doubt everything and your mind seeks ways to make sense of something that is out of your control.

I told my DH to leave me, why he with someone he couldn't talk to in the way he was her? He insists it was distraction and basic flattery and no substance, no real understanding. She just made him feel good. But between them, they have made me feel awful, exhausted and insecure and I can't see that changing any time soon.

I stay because we have a good life and my DS is happy and secure, and he takes care of me in a lot of ways, there were some mitigating and unusual circumstances (I posted on MN and most replies were to try and rebuild the marriage), but every day I have to hide how hard it can get at times. Part of me still thinks I will leave, even all this time on.

Please, take care of yourself and your children now. He has behaved appallingly.

What do you get out of this relationship? Sounds like he's quite happy keeping all his options open and "protecting himself" while you're worrying about keeping everything stable and content.

Do you love him? Do you enjoy being with him? Or does he keep you unsettled, insecure, unhappy yet compliant?

First of all, work out whether you're getting anything positive from this outside of the concerning behaviour. If not, LTB. If he can't treat you respectfully, then your DS's aren't getting any positive examples from him.

If you still want him, find out if he still wants you. It's a painful question to ask, be prepared for the worst but you need to know it to move forward. If not, or even if it's "I don't know" - LTB. You don't need that kind of equivocation, you're worth more than that. If he changes his mind after, he can do the running to prove it to you.

If you still want him and he still wants you, he's got work to do. I'm sorry, but from what you've said, there's a strong probability he's not loyal. So he needs to prove that he is loyal, otherwise he's not worth the effort. The email to his ex (that made my blood boil!) was unforgivable - he should be grateful you're as forgiving as you are. He should be opening up at this point, not shutting you out.

Chasing after someone that treats you in this way will have left your self-esteem in pieces on the floor - but you're the strong one who's stayed the course, not him. Make friends, find new interests, get hobbies and work on yourself.

And get counselling for yourself. Not together - not yet. Talk to someone on your own who can walk you through this and help you decide what you want. Honestly, he sounds like he's been slowly crushing you for years and now he thinks he can talk to you in that manner? If he can't step up and be a decent man, then you should step out and build a life for yourself.

CantsitWontsit thanks for sharing your story. For me if I make a compromise it will be because of the DS. They are happy and secure as he is a good dad. but at this point in time for me to make that compromise is unthinkable. He has started apologising but is still adamant that its in my head and all innocent.
DeadHerring our initial years of marriage were turbulent but in the last few years especially after the birth of DS2 we were in a good place. We enjoyed doing things together and as a family so yes I do or rather did love him. after last few days I think that emotion was one sided. and I was deluding myself. Thanks for your suggestion about therapy. I was thinking about it and you are right I need to talk to someone by myself to make sense of all of this.

You can only know what is right for you, and agree some personal therapy would be great. I had some and it really helped me.

You are in a horrible situation, have you got friends or family you can trust and confide in?

Well, you definitely suspected something as you went through his phone. You weren't looking for 'something', you were looking for confirmation , the truth.

My opinion is these ' emotional affairs' are all different, born out of different circumstances and continued for different reasons.

He is, of course, getting something out of this friendship that he isn't getting from you. The question is , is it friendship or more?

From what you have said, I don't think it's physical. I think it is a classic emotional affair, something that is unique to friends of opposite sexes of the same sexuality. Do you class that as cheating? if you do then you have a big decision to make.

Obviously the big red flag is the ending of your post, the email that said he wished he hadn't married you. If he still feels that way then your marriage definitely has a sell by date.

You see some posters on MN talking about their partners as ' soul mates' and still 'fancying the pants ' off each other after 20 years etc. There are many more just getting by, sharing a mortgage, kids and simmering, trapped, resentment. I believe there is a sliding scale of happiness in relationships..it's not LTB or everyday is a honeymoon.

Think about where you are, and if you can accept your DH's connection with this other woman. I don't think it's going to get physical. , it could be that the ' hot sex' with you is him trying to get a better connection with you ,as he knows he's not really going to cheat.