Suspect DH of emotional cheating with a colleague

[laila05]

Hi
I have always been a silent member and always appreciated the support this group provides. Today I need little help and sanity check from you. Please bear with me as it will be a long post. DH and I almost been married for 10 years and have two beautiful DS. We had our ups and downs over those years. In the last two years I thought that our relationship was doing really well and was stable. We had few fights which every couple has. In the last few months DH started becoming close to a female work colleague. She is married and has three DDs. The colleague had given him presents over the last year or so which he had told me were from her. He asked me to bring few presents for her daughters and her when I went abroad to visit my parents which I did. till then I didn't suspect anything. Few weeks ago she had arranged a party at her home where only work colleagues were invited and not spouses. As her place is at an hours drive from where we live. DH said that she has offered him to stay her place after the party as there was going to be drinking etc. I found that strange because DH is someone who is very reserved although her husband and daughters were going to be there too. I told him why not get a hotel room to which he decided that he will come back home and not stay the night. Few days after that I was going through his phone looking for something and saw texts between him and her. DH is not someone who shares his emotions easily but with her he was very appreciative for all her support and had put a heart at the end. She had sent various texts to him as well thanking for his support etc with smiley and heart eyes. In all our married life he has only sent me heart in a message once or twice in a text. DH and the colleague had gone away in October to a conference together where he had been asking her where is she and what time will they meet up for dinner. In all her replies she had smiley with heart eyes. I didn't say anything to DH about texts as I thought I am being paranoid. What I did do though was ask him whether it was ok for work colleagues to exchange hearts in a message. He asked me whether someone had sent it to me and I said yes. and his reply was that is not right and shouldn't happen. The other change in our married life was that in last few months DH had become more sexually active and saying things you are hot and other things when he never said that in last 10 years. We started experimenting new things too. which all made me think that our relationship was going really well. Over the wknd we had a fight about how he is not actively trying to look for another job opportunity. He currently works at two places. One is permanent position and other contract. His excuse was I don't have time. I asked why not leave permanent (that's where the colleague) is and do contract. His reply was that I am never going to leave that workplace as I get support from that work place which I don't from you at home. That's when I brought up the texts. He first got offended and then said that she is just a really good friend. I then asked about the heart messages to which he said that we are like brother and sister. We had a major fight and I left the room. I then received an e-mail which informed me that he had changed his e-mail password. I hadn't even looked at his e-mails. When I asked him he said that he was just protecting himself. Since then we haven't been talking. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Can't stop myself from crying. He insists that there is nothing and I am being paranoid,. I don't know what to think. I have lost faith in him. 9 years ago we had a similar fall out where I had seen an e-mail where he had confessed that he is still in love with his ex and marrying me was biggest mistake of his life. Is it normal for work colleagues to exchange heart text messages? Does any of the above sounds normal. or am I being paranoid.

Accusing you of being paranoid is a really, really bad sign. It's so bloody disrespectful when there's clearly plenty of stuff to be suspicious about.

Some people are just flirty and it kind of encourages others to flirt back. If I get a text with 3 kisses or no kisses I tend to respond in the same way, not sure why, just out of politeness or something.

So it may just be a slightly flirty friendship. Maybe they are just really good friends. But the change in sex life would be a big red flag for me. If nothing else has changed for you as a couple and it's been the same for years. I believe a sudden change in sex drive and sexual practices is a common signifier of an affair and this along with his reaction would really make me think he was up to something even if nothing physical has happened

I too suspect it is already more than an emotional affair I am afraid.

You will need to decide whether you want to stay with him and ask him to be honest and get couples counselling or whether it is time for him to go in which case move quickly as because he knows you know he sure as hell will!

WinklemansFringe I know I need to think about whether its acceptable for me or not. I had always thought that it would be black and white when ever there is cheating involved. but with 2DS you do have to think more then just yourself.
Strongmummy If I decide to stay it will be with all those conditions but then also with the mindset that there is no guarantee. :(

OP you deserve better.

By staying with him you are stopping yourself finding happiness elsewhere - either on your own or with someone that loves you and treats you With love and respect.

It’s definitely tricky when dc are involved but o believe this has and will have a severe effect on your own self esteem not to mention you will be questioning yourself. Your dc will pick up on this.

This is not your fault. Don’t suffer for it while he gets away with it consequence free

Your post seems very similar to the position I was in this time last year.

Unfortunately, turns out my gut was right and he is now with this particular colluege.

We had been together 11yrs and before she started at his work place we had no issues, barely argued then all of a sudden he changed. He got really sneaky with his devices and changed his passwords. He said he had nothing to hide and that she told him stuff he couldn't share with others and all this other rubbish.

He confirmed to me they was dating on my 30th birthday too. 6 months after the emotional affair.

I'm not going to lie to start with it crushed me but, I am now in a much better place.

I’d also be asking him for the password to his email,
If he’s nothing to hide, then he shouldn’t have an issue giving it to you?

Did I miss something? Why is everyone so cross with @Rainbowlia? She just reformatted a bit for the OP to make it easier to read... Lots of people wouldn't wade through a long post like that so she was just going the OP a favour to help her get more responses probably. OP said sge didn't know how to add paragraphs herself. People are being so horrible about it!

OP, this sounds like a bad situation. Sorry to say I think your husband is behaving really badly here and major changes (and a lot of forgiveness on your part) would be needed to save the relationship.

Sorry your husband has cheated on you.

It sounds like he’s following “the script”, which sometimes includes re-writing the history of your relationship and claiming it makes him unhappy. A book that’s someimes recommended here is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Suggest ending the relationship, and telling DH and family/friends that this is due to his infidelity and subsequent unkindness to you. I would also share what you know with OW’s H.

Sounds like your H has checked out of your relationship. He is staying, but treating you very badly - he’s not properly with you and hasn’t even acknowledged his affair.

Staying with someone who cheated and then treats you like this won’t benefit your DSs. Staying “for them” is inadviseable.

Gosh op everything I was reading I was like yeah could be just friendship, yeah no big deal and THEN !!!! how did you ever recover after being told marrying you is the biggest mistake and that he loves his ex?
The emojis, staying after a party where her husband and daughter and work colleagues are there no big deal, asking about meeting for dinner when away is no big deal it is the marrying you part. I bet there is more in his email..not necessarily with her though.

I think your problem is your husband not his colleague, not the job, not the ex. its your own relationship with him.. it sounds like he was never committed to the relation from the start.

I find heart emojis when planning to meet up for work dinner unacceptable. I have met make colleagues before and would never use that kind of style.

He should of insisted you were invited to the party at her house or just not gone.

Sorry OP :( definitely not innocent, just emotional or not he should not be getting that close to her. Sounds like trouble x

I think whether you leave him or stay you need to tell him how much his relationship with her is not okay and how much it hurts you that he thinks it is okay.

We had to go through extensive therapy after that. and it took me years to get over that.

This was your mistake and why I think affairs shouldn't ever be worked through. Once someone has shown that they don't love or respect you, they will continue to not love or respect you.

The messages you describe sound like an emotional affair but that is no less damaging to a relationship than a physical one.

My best friend is a married man. We are very close - we do a hobby together once a week; and quite often see each other once or twice a week more. We've also supported each other and yet we've never felt the need to send love heart and heart eye emojis.

Changing his email password rather than reassuring you shows that he doesn't respect you. He is going to do what he likes in this marriage and he expects you to just tolerate it.

Rainbowlia What you did was fine. Paragraphs are far easier to read and process than a single body of text. It's why we use them.

Sorry this doesn’t sound good at all. If he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t have felt the need to change his password.

I’ve reported the more nasty comments to Rainbowlia. I think her first post was insensitive. But not worthy of the pile on.

Urgh it really is horrid op.

Last year on New Year’s Eve, I asked to borrow my dh’s phone. He wouldn’t let me. I only wanted to borrow it to google something about a tv show we were watching as mine was dead! Alarm bells were ringing in my head.

Anyway, he finally let me. I knew he was hiding something. I looked at texts and there were loads from a work colleague. The most hurtful ones were them calling each other “best friends” and several others from the week were my husband slagging off his week as boring (he had been spending Christmas week with me and our son). I didn’t scroll back further as was too upset.

I confronted him crying and he seemed sorry.

BUT... a year later it still comes up. He blames me for ending their “friendship” and says that if I was more attentive he wouldn’t go looking for other friends. Ouch!

The mans a dickhead and I’m still trying to work my way through forgiving him. Not really sure I can move on from it fully.

No real advice other than to say I know how much it hurts

Whilst the heart emojis are not much in the general scheme of things, they are out of character for him - so even in a work related text he is treating her differently. The party for colleagues is suspicious, seriously only work colleagues, no spouses at a house party on a Saturday night?

When my DH stated a new job a couple of years ago he became friendly with a female work colleague, he talked about her a lot. The difference was he was keen for us to meet. We traipsed over there en masse when she text him to say they had new lambs (her DH is a farmer). We are now all invited to each others family parties - in fact her DH and kids came without her for bonfire night as she had the flu. My DH and her still meet up for a what I call 'work' rants but there is nothing secretive they are colleagues who became friends.

Has he suggested you meeting her, perhaps inviting them over? It all smacks of an emotional affair or an infatuation on his part. Either way, he has crossed the line. And changing his passwords, just adds fuel to the fire. If the tables were turned, how would he feel?

It must be torturous OP. I agree, its not that easy to just LTB - not with young children. But reading that line about marrying you was the worst decision etc must have been such a low blow. You cannot give 100% after that, you would have to hold something back for self preservation after that - so you have very right to be suspicious and question his intentions. What do you want to happen OP?

Have you spoken to this work colleague about it? Do you think her husband is aware if all this lovey dovey txting

So sorry to hear this OP. It does sound like classic gas lighting 'you're paranoid' and changing the password to protect him from you and your crazy behaviour.

I am sorry OP but you are being delusional if you think you are doing this for your DS'dren. You are doing this for yourself, you are staying with a man who has no respect for you, is fiddling around behind your back and does not care if you know.

Children can be just as happy with two separate parents than two unhappy parents living together. But if you are happy to live this facade while he carries on behind your back and trust me he probably respects you even less for staying and saying it is for the sake of the children when everybody knows it is more for your sake as you are too afraid to start over.

And if you are doing it for the children what makes you think he wont leave when the children are older, what excuse will you be able to use then?

But it is your life, whether you want to spend it being miserable for the next few years while your children grow up noticing the lack of respect between parents, father openly cheating on mother, mother being tense and emotional almost every day while trying to fool herself. Children then growing up thinking that this is what a relationship is all about, then you go for it.

He doesn't sound very nice!