In laws helping

[choccybuttonshelpeverything]

AIBU to expect my in-laws to help with small chores when they visit?
For context 2 kids ages 3 years and newborn. Husband working away.
Visit unexpectedly (usually) and get their coffee made for them, chat to eldest and hold the youngest if she's quiet and hand her back if she fusses.
So AIBU to expect them to make their own coffee? Offer to put the bins out? Ask if I need any help?

Yes, of course you’re being unreasonable!!

In what world do you think they should offer to put your bins out? Unbelievable.

Get over yourself. You’re a grown woman who can look after herself. You don’t need to be babied by your in-laws. They came over to see you and the DC, not to be a skivvy!

Depends how long they are staying. If they are just popping in to say hello and that is how your family works then they could offer to make their coffee, but not bounce about the house looking for jobs to do.

You aren’t entitled to that help, but I know what you mean - it would be nice and polite if they offered! Unfortunately you probably can’t make them be nicer / more helpful people - some people are just hopeless about actually being helpful.

Mine stay for a week at a time and I wouldn’t expect them to put our bins out! To be honest I’m usually happy for them to play with the DC while I get things done. Unfortunately they only manage about half an hour before getting bored and playing on their phones or going for a nap, but there you go!

Maybe rather than expecting them to do the jobs use the time wisely while they are entertaining the kiddies and get the jobs done yourself ? I never offer family or in laws coffee - they are all
Comfortable enough to make themselves one if they want to

They are not mind readers

Just ask, Fil... Could you help and put out the bins for me? Much appreciated.

Feel free to go make yourselves coffee, biscuits are in the cupboard. Cheers.

If you fancy, you could take baby out for a walk in the stroller for an hour. It would give me an opportunity to have a nap/bath......

Maybe not put the bins out, but why not just smile sweetly and say, would they mind making the coffees this time, because you're knackered?

If they visit unexpectedly then I would say great if you can hold baby im trying to do x this morning. And carry on with laundry , scrubbing floors etc.

YABU....I'd never expect any visitor to my house to put the bins out! Not friends, not family, not regular, not occasional visitors...no one!

Make a drink or hold the baby maybe, but not put the bins out.

YANBU, you’re on your own with 2 little ones and a newborn takes a lot of looking after. My PIL did do chores when I was recovering from C section, or if I was stuck on the sofa cluster feeding, and are more than happy to brew up when they visit. Now they play with DD or take her to the park and I get on with chores.
My PIL would offer help, maybe yours don’t feel comfortable doing so?
You could certainly ask them to stick the kettle on, pop to the shop, give eldest her lunch etc.

Well you'll get a lot of responses about you being 'entitled' etc but it's replies like that that make me appreciate my family! Both dm and dmil do whatever they can to help when visiting, including bins out, dishwasher, sweeping the kitchen, cooking, folding laundry..

They do stay over when they visit though if that makes a difference.

Mil always brings lunch and dinner for everyone when she visits for the day. It's because she thinks my kitchen is grubby and hates my cooking but I'm not complaining.

If they turn up uninvited it would be nice to offer to help. I don't think taking the bins out is something you can expect but again would be nice when someone has two little ones.

When I visit DD1 and 2 grandsons (now aged 3 and 6) she prefers I look after/play/watch TV with them rather than do chores which she will get done quicker if she doesn't need to keep constant eye on the boys.

I'm only with them for part of the day usually though and often pop into Tesco to get them groceries/treats. I'll make my own tea and coffee too. I empty/fill the dishwasher but never empty bins.

Mayne they don't want to insult you by jumping in and doing things in your house incase you think they are criticising you. I wouldn't expect my own parents to do any of that never mind my pil, they are guests.

They knew your husband is working away. I am surprised they didn’t ask if you needed any help.

Tough one. I think it would be nice of them to offer if you're struggling but I guess they don't feel inclined to help if you seem to be doing ok?

FIL mops my downstairs floors every week, MIL brings dinner and helps tidy up afterwards. They visit once a week and I have a nearly 1 year old and nearly 2 year old. We are considerably tidier than when we had a 12mo and a newborn though!!

@MyKingdomForBrie
My mother is exactly like this as well. Gets stuck right in and I’ve never done the washing up or vacuuming while she’s here. She just cracks on with things because she loves me and wants to help me out.

But I would never expect it of her, or even ask. I’m just grateful for her help. It greates on me the the OP thinks they should. That’s why I think she’s entitled.

*grates!

I think it’s completely bizarre to expect visitors to do household chores for you- I can’t even imagine where you’ve got the idea it’s even a thing from?

If you don’t want to get them a coffeee tell them to help themselves. Asking them to do chores is just bonkers though

Hey roboticmary

Your not needed :)

I remember seething at my mother and sister who turned up and sat watching me in sick stained pjs breast feeding my newborn with stuck up hair, absolutely shattered waiting for me to finish so that I could make them a brew.
I’d said to my sister to stick the kettle on, she replied it’s ok, we will wait for you to do it.. fuming.
But then I had zero help or support from either my family or my pil with both my kids.
No way would they do jobs.
Mil would wash her coffee cup in the sink and put it on the draining board & ignore the sink full of dishes.
I was delirious with lack of sleep on some visits, they knew but did nothing.
They knew that the baby didn’t sleep, in fact he didn’t sleep a full night through until he was 5 and at school.
Admittedly it caused a great deal of resentment between myself and our parents. I knew the pil didn’t like me, had no problem seeing me differ & struggle and my parents just had zero interest.

Of course YABU, they are visitors, not staff

I'm not sure what kind of relationship some of the posters here have with their relations. They don't sound very healthy or happy.

If I was visiting my DIL with a new baby I'd make myself useful. If I could see a bin needed emptying, I'd empty it - it's no big deal when you're not post natal and hormonal and dead tired. It's selfish to insist on just sitting and holding the baby when there's so much to be done.