In laws helping

[choccybuttonshelpeverything]

AIBU to expect my in-laws to help with small chores when they visit?
For context 2 kids ages 3 years and newborn. Husband working away.
Visit unexpectedly (usually) and get their coffee made for them, chat to eldest and hold the youngest if she's quiet and hand her back if she fusses.
So AIBU to expect them to make their own coffee? Offer to put the bins out? Ask if I need any help?

As a MIL, I am happy to if the little ones are ill when I am shopping ask what they need in the way of groceries and add their shopping to mine. If I call round they prefer me to watch children while they crack on with their housework, have a shower whatever. I do clean up the kitchen, feed the children, tidy sitting room, toys, but would not feel comfortable doing their loos, bedroom that imo. is their private territory. Maybe because I would not want someone in my loo, bedroom. I am happy to do bin stuff because that is part of the kitchen.

This could go either way, a MIL who presumed to, uninvited, put the bins out, wash up, clear things away would, in many MN minds, be 'interfering' at the politest, we can't do right for doing wrong really! If they didn't call, would the bins be put out, even with children?

I'd never expect them to clean bathrooms etc. But see to themselves and perhaps make me a cuppa would be nice :) if they're minding the kids not to shout me if a nappy needs changing. I'm in effect watching them watching the kids 🤔
We as a family can't visit them.
But if they need any diy my husband does do it, or any help they need we do it. So not a one way street that I feel entitled to help

OP you need to let them know you're ok with them making a coffee or picking the baby up or whatever else you'd like them to do. So many times on MN a DIL is annoyed or upset because her PILs "swan in and take over" when in reality it usually means they've done some washing up or made a cup of tea.

Don't expect them to read your mind, let them know that you're overwhelmed and could do with a lift and that you're fine with them helping around the house.

I think you know you're being unreasonable. If they ask for a drink you can always just say I'll just finish feeding but they're your guests and it's your home.

I think you also know you're being unreasonable on the nappy example as well. All of these things are your responsibility, not theirs.

My parents and in-laws would automatically make their own if I had a newborn and my dh was away. And they'd ask if I needed anything doing to help too. That's what families should do.

wow snobby, I change nappies all the time three grandchildren wearing them at the moment. It only takes a minute so I would not drag mum away from what she is doing to do that. When we babysit I do not wait for parents to get back, they might get sore bottoms in the meantime.

Damned if they do damned if they dont. I bet if they started wandering round doing things then people would accuse them of interfering.

^ this

My in laws would definitely be saying "shall I stick the kettle on"
My sisters would be saying the above, and if they heard the washing machine/dishwater beeping, would be saying "do you want me to empty that"
One of my sisters would already be clearing the sink of any washing up and if I moaned about the pile of ironing would exclaim "I love ironing, where shall I plug it in"
I can imagine a scenario where if I were feeding a baby and remarked that I'd forgotten the bins, any of the above would offer though MIL would do her weirdy face.

If they didn't I'd probably exclaim "stick the kettle on, I'm up to me ears today, it's self service only" or some such. I don't do much standing on ceremony.

Yes but just say something! Eg “I am very tired, please make your own coffee”. Job done.

madmum5811 yes and that's helpful, but her in laws don't have to that's my point. That's her responsibility as the parent. It's lovely when other relatives help out, but you can't expect them to.

YANBU... you have a newborn. You shouldn't have to think about hosting with a newborn in tow. I just wouldn't offer anything tbh.

My in laws live at least a 5 hour drive away and when they came to stay to meet my 10 day old new born they very helpfully brought my 10 year old nephew with them. ( I also had a 3 year old and had a forcep section).

This is one reason why I actually like my MIL, she always mucks in and is actually helpful. My dm not so much. Guess who I like having in the house more.

She will empty the kitchen bin if it needs doing. When we visit her I help her with chores as well.

wtf is this shit

yes you are unreasonable

Well it depends if you want to be treated like a visitor or family.

Family, feels comfortable, helps out and looks out for you.

Visitors sit on their backsides and get waited on.

Visitors are tolerated, family are loved.

Family aren't just people you are related to btw.

I do think this is a very English thread! After 15 years of being married to a foreigner I always say to family guests, help yourself, don't expect to be waited on. Although if I'm making or they've just arrived I'll offer.

Of course guests who aren't family get made a drink but family should be comfortable enough to help themselves, in laws included.

Say something!!