In laws helping

[choccybuttonshelpeverything]

AIBU to expect my in-laws to help with small chores when they visit?
For context 2 kids ages 3 years and newborn. Husband working away.
Visit unexpectedly (usually) and get their coffee made for them, chat to eldest and hold the youngest if she's quiet and hand her back if she fusses.
So AIBU to expect them to make their own coffee? Offer to put the bins out? Ask if I need any help?

Crosser why should your mil wash your sink of dishes she washed her cup thats fine.

Yabu op. You shouldnt expect anyone to take out your bins. Other stuff to do with the baby maybe. But your housework isnt for visitors.

Do you ask them to put the kettle on or hold the baby? Maybe they don't want to appear pushy like a lot of MILs are accused of on here.

I don’t understand this attitude people have about guests not being allowed to do anything. Yes if my parents, or in laws visit, they are guests because they don’t live here - but they are all my family, they would help if I need it. Same applies to friends - if I visit a friend with a newborn I’ll offer to brew up/wash up/whatever.

This is a joke post, surely?
I sure wouldn't like to visit you.
Put your bloody bins out! Omg!
Just ask them to clean the toilet whilst they're at it....

Hallow my mum stayed with me for 2 weeks after the birth of my children and acted as a housekeeper, which she wanted to do. The relationship is perfectly fine- I wouldn’t TELL people to do chores for me, that’s very rude

And if my son was away, leaving his wife to look after very small children, I'd do things that he would normally do, to make things easier for his wife.

The starting position should be that this is the woman who your son loves. She's the mother of your lovely grandchildren.

Ffs a new born and a three year old and then expected to have visitors drop by unexpected and sit on their arse to be waited on

Open the door and say

Ah lovely to see you as I’m struggling to get all the jobs done, pop the kettle on and after we’ve had coffee you can mind the children whilst I get some jobs done

I agree with you Hollow, I would do the same and have done in many occasions but I know my DIL wouldn't take offence by me rolling my sleeves up and getting stuck in with whatever needed doing.

Some women don't like it though and see it as their MIL judging them. I guess it depends on the entire relationship.

Damned if they do damned if they dont. I bet if they started wandering round doing things then people would accuse them of interfering.

It would be nice if they made their own coffee and asked if you needed anything doing.

Of course YABU, people don't like helping themselves in others homes, il's or not.
I don't know why you'd need help taking a bin out? You are also probably considerably younger too,
perhaps you should visit them and ask if there's any DIY you could do for them.

I don't feel entitled no. But I do think family should help each other out. In laws or otherwise. It would be nice to offer.
I know if I visit someone with a newborn I offer to put the kettle on and ask if there's anything they'd like me to do. It might be the only 5 mins downtime they get in a day
I don't see the fun in entertaining guests or rushing about doing chores when they are in, till the baby cries and I'm promptly given her back.
Yes I am a grown woman and I do manage on my own. Wasn't quite expecting the vitriol. Haha welcome to Mumsnet 😂

YANBU! Your in-laws are clearly lazy, ungrateful sods. Next time they pop by just hand them the kids, show them where the cleaning supplies is, and toddle off to have yourself a spa day!

Mine are lovely, they wash up, tidy laundry and put shopping away. I love having them to stay.. My parents on the other hand... completely different story!!

I see where your coming from here but I dont think youve phased it well. Youve just had a baby and would appreciate a bit of help. If i was your ILs id would come round and let you rest and do some ironing clean bathroom look after children etc. I wouldnt expect anyone to help me. Maybe ask them if they could help out a bit see what they say.

It's very difficult to know what to do, without directly being asked, in their position, because some people are so touchy and (appear to) want to do everything on their own.

You could just say, "Would you mind doing.....?", a few times, and you might find they are delighted to be asked.

Perhaps the bin was a bad example.
I don't expect them to help.
I expect not to wait on them. For example I'll be sat feeding the baby and then I can make the coffee.. they know their way about the kitchen after all these years they could make it!

With a newborn, yes, I would expect visitors (any visitors!) to offer to help with something. It wouldn't necessarily be putting the bins out, but perhaps bringing a meal, doing the washing up, helping to tidy up a bit after playing with the kids. Beyond the newborn stage when you are coping better, no, but I do expect visitors to entertain the dc if they want coffee/tea/a meal otherwise I have no time to cook it.

do you offer to take their bins out at their house? or offer to do dishes etc?

Also why don't you ask? they may not want to over step or be over familiar. I can imagine the "my MIL waltzes into my house and starts moving my kitchen round and rifling through my washing and making cups of tea" threads on here if MILs started taking over. Maybe just say "MIL, would you mind popping the kettle on while I feed baby? Theres some biscuits in the cupboard and stuff for a sandwich if you fancy it?".

They should help. But as you can see there are tonnes on here who won't think that.

When I two real tinies, and my Mum was coming for a weekend, I remember thinking, while standing in a supermarket, "If I buy a chicken, will Mum be here in time to roast it for dinner." When DD2 was about a year, and Mum arrived for a weekend, she was quite offended to discover I'd managed to cook dinner and she wasn't to be let loose in my kitchen .

Phrased it not phased!

Depends on the relationship. I would happily go to my sisters homes and clean /iron etc because that is just how we are. I have been known to clean the bathroom at my in-laws.

But I can also imagine threads for a bit of in-law bashing on here from people saying
"OMG the in-laws came over and washed up the dishes. How dare they.. "

My in-laws wouldn’t offer, simply because they’d perceive me to be on top of everything and not in need of help.

If they turned up unexpectedly, and stuff needed doing which I’d like help with I’d ask. They’d happily help, but would wait to be asked so they didn’t step on my toes or potentially cause offence.

YANBU. It is ridiculous to turn up to some one's house uninvited when they have two very small children and expect to be waited on hand on foot. But some people do need telling OP, so tell them. If they still won't make themselves a coffee then they are taking the piss!

Ideally OP yes they should help but it doesn't mean they will. DD is now 16 weeks and when she was born my DM helped clean the house, did the washing and left food for DH (me and DD were in hospital for 9 days and she was very poorly). PILs did nothing except go on about how upset they were about DD. When they visit they still expect to be waited on and entertained, and get annoyed if DD fusses and doesn't want to be poked about. They wouldn't get their own drinks when I was heavily pregnant and advised to rest, let alone offering me one. Not all in laws are equal.

Now ideally they'd be helping you spend time with your newborn by doing a few bits around the house but that won't happen so a)invite them less, b)no unscheduled drop ins. Surely you have playgroup and other activities. C) leave them with the kids and do the chores yourself. If the baby cries just shout down thay you're just finishing x so can they cuddle/feed/change baby. Thanks. They'll probably turn up less.