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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be monogamous because I have to be, not because I want to be?!

76 replies

Wintercountry · 06/12/2018 12:09

A thread in the ‘sex’ section got me thinking, and I put the same statement in there.

I love DP, I am actually happy with him, find him attractive and our sex life is fine.

However, I have ALWAYS felt a bit restless/ bored after about 4 years in my relationships. I haven’t ever cheated on anyone (though, ashamedly did come close once and that’s when I knew I had to leave) but I’ve always craved attention from other men/ craved flirtation and a bit of frisson and excitement, no matter what relationship I’m in.

I struggle with the thought of only ever having sex with DP for the rest of my life, that’s not because he’s a crap shag or that I don’t love him or find him attractive, because he’s not and I do! But sometimes I think I’m just programmed differently to other women.

I have a couple of friends who have only ever had one sexual partner and have been with the same guy since they were 16/17 (we’re in our 30’s now) and they say they have never wanted to be with anyone else, and the thought of only sleeping with that partner forever more brings them nothing by happiness.

I really envy them as life must be so simple. I can have months and months where I am perfectly content and satisfied, but then I’ll catch the eye of a handsome stranger on a night out or a blast from the past will pop up and I’ll think ‘would things have been different if I’d have ended up with them’ etc.

This is quite indicative of me in general though, I often feel bored, restless in a lot of aspects of life and once I achieve something, I’m then no longer satisfied with that. I always want more

Is this feeling more common than I realise? Or am I really in the minority? I don’t mind either way, as I am the only person that can help/ change my mindset so it won’t make an awful lot of difference to me but sometimes I feel so insular in my thoughts.

OP posts:

Cheeijlo · 06/12/2018 12:18

I am a bit like you OP but I think we are in the minority! But you aren’t completely alone in this

Biancadelriosback · 06/12/2018 12:28

Open relationships aren't that unusual and they are perfectly valid providing all parties are open and honest. Did you watch the Louis theroux on this? A couple of weeks ago he did an episode on poly couples and it was fascinating!
Personally, sex isn't that high on my priority list and I couldn't be bothered with more than one partner in my life... It's expensive enough at Christmas!

DonkeyPunch88 · 06/12/2018 12:30

I am the same

Dontaskmyname · 06/12/2018 12:36

It is more common than you think 😆 I couldn’t cope with the feeling I am shackled to any one person for the rest of my life. I like to feel that I am free and choose to stay, rather than I have to stay. The fact that my husband is in no way possessive or controlling helps. He doesn’t do jealousy or territory marking and I never feel as if I am kept in the monogamous set up against my will. I couldn’t cope with anybody trying to tie me down. Now, all this hasn’t stopped me being faithful to my H for a long time. I don’t cross the line with any other man I may find a connection with simply because I don’t want to hurt my OH. Or shatter my children’s happiness. You do come across people you like and feel attracted to and feel affinity with, life doesn’t stop the moment you get married. But you make a conscious effort to walk away and not cross boundaries. This is not easy at times, but there is too much at stake. So one can exercise the choice not to do it.

Nothing wrong with feeling a connection and a kindred spirit in other men. But it is what you do with it that matters. Respect yourself and respect others and don’t do anything that feels wrong.

On another note, I have too been amazed how many women seem to be dead from the waist down. Even as a young woman, the amount of my girl friends not interested in sex was just staggering. They begrudgingly give in if they must, but to them it was yet another bothersome chore. Just couldn’t get that!

MoaningSickness · 06/12/2018 12:36

You don't 'have' to be monogamous. Polyamory and casual sex both exist.

I think there's a scale from 'Im only interested in sex with one person' to 'Id love to see what shagging everyone I meet would be like', and most people fall in the middle.

But there's also a scale of 'i couldn't care less who my partner shags' to 'my partner is mine and only mine', and if you want your partner to be yours only then being fair you have to offer the same commitment to them (unless you are one of those arseholes who think it's clever to trick your partner into monogamy whilst you sleep around).

cheesydoesit · 06/12/2018 12:38

Sometimes I feel like that but it's usually on a whim and I would never act upon it as it's just not worth the emotional upheaval it would lead to. I thought everyone has periods of this though, it's natural isn't it?

Kittykat93 · 06/12/2018 12:38

I feel the same op. I love my partner dearly and would hate to break up, but the thought of only ever being intimate with him for the rest of my life is quite daunting to me. I would love to have an open relationship but he would never ever agree to that.

GreyCloudsToday · 06/12/2018 12:39

I'm very restless and I always want to move country / change job / shake things up somehow. Everyone tells me I'm selfish and I end up adhering to their bullshit norms, but the drudgery of kids makes me feel stultified. I can't wait to be older with the kids out of my hair, I'm going to sack everyone off and live all around the world!!!

Yinv · 06/12/2018 12:42

I think that whatever you do or decide, you absolutely must be on the same page as your partner with this.

ShartGoblin · 06/12/2018 12:43

I feel a bit like that too. I think for me though, it's more about the excitement of something new than the sex itself. It doesn't mean I love my dp any less or that I would ever cheat but I do fantasize a lot about those initial butterflies.

FantasticHarryPotter · 06/12/2018 12:47

I know exactly how you feel OP.

Not even sex but flirting is best done with many, not one.

Balaboosteh · 06/12/2018 12:48

You’re not alone in this. I don’t think anyone is “programmed” to be monogamous. It’s a choice you make. If you want to arrange your life differently there’s no shame in that if you do it carefully and respectfully.

U2HasTheEdge · 06/12/2018 12:50

I don't feel that way personally. I have no desire to have sex with other people but I totally understand why others would. I don't think monogamy is a natural thing at all. I imagine most people have felt like you at times, if not often. I think you are totally normal.

I don't feel that way now but that's not to say I never will.

Wonkydonkey44 · 06/12/2018 12:50

Lots of people do swing , the only thing I would say is be really sure this is something you want to do because if your partner agrees then he may realise it’s something he really enjoys and you may realise it’s not for you..... fantasy is amazing sometimes the reality isn’t as great x

NotANotMan · 06/12/2018 12:53

Monogamy is a habit more than anything else. The way you feel is really common!

Prefer · 06/12/2018 12:54

Oh so it’s not just me then . I could have written your post OP - with the exception that I have cheated in the past, not on my DP but in a previous relationship when I was young and selfish.

There’s little else in this world that gives me a thrill like the initial stages of attraction/flirtation with a man. I’m the most content I have ever been in a relationship yet I still occasionally yearn for that excitement and I try not to think about the fact that it’s never going to happen again (unless I want to destroy my children’s security!)

I’m a restless soul who craves novelty and excitement and I’m so jealous of people who seem content with their lot. I now try and channel my energy into projects and long term goals - as I think the devil makes work for idle hands!

ReanimatedSGB · 06/12/2018 12:57

Most people feel similarly. Monogamy is a political system, designed to benefit men at the expense of women, not 'natural' at all (though, as with many things that are not particularly natural, there are people who like it and find it suits them.)

Have you talked to your partner at all about this? What do you think a good set up for you would look like - an agreement to have casual NSA sex with others? Additional steady secondary partners? Swinging together? If you want to introduce the topic, it's easier than it was with tons of stuff on social media about 'poly lifestyles' - you don't have to start by saying that you feel restless and unhappy if all you want to do is guage his reaction.

SonOfSaturn · 06/12/2018 12:58

You're definitely not alone, OP.

In my late teens/20s I had 4 long-term relationships that I ended after 2-3 years because I just didn't want to commit to that one person forever and ever, physically. Sex with my partners was usually great, but I just love sex with somebody NEW and DIFFERENT!

I'm now married with kids and I still have those desires/thoughts. It's just that I value my relationship with my OH more than I value fulfilling those desires.

For me, monogamy doesn't seem 100% natural and it's certainly not 100% easy! But I know there isn't any other feasible way to maintain my loving relationship, which is more important to me.

justonemoreminutepls · 06/12/2018 12:59

i could have wrote this exactly word for word. but agree with wonkydonkey44 i often think the fantasy far supersedes the reality.

SonOfSaturn · 06/12/2018 12:59

Despite feeling that way, I would never want an open relationship or to swing or anything like that. I just couldn't do it, emotionally speaking.

Lorddenning1 · 06/12/2018 13:01

Im the same OP, so much so that i have ended my relationship bcoz i want more, and now i have got what i wanted, I now what my old life back :(
I put this down to my childhood, which was full of neglect and abuse, and we around alot.

AdamNichol · 06/12/2018 13:05

^^This.
There's a good BBC thing by Sarah Pascoe that challenges the impression that monogamy is biologically constructed for women - ie: they mate with the single alpha male to produce the best offspring; whereas in fact multiple partners would produce offspring from the strongest sperm, not necessarily the alpha male.
Until the victorian period, the common place view was that women were the promiscuous gender; with monogamy and marriage being applied to be certain of patriarchal inheritance processes. Then came the whole sex is for men, lie back and think of England, sex is a duty thing; and the view that women were at best reluctant consenters to sex as an activity they disliked but served a purpose - and men took the role as the promiscuous gender.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 06/12/2018 13:12

I've gone the other way, from being in relationships which were not monogamous for the last 30 or so years, and now I've met someone and I find I no longer want to have sex with anyone else. I believe it's possible to flow from one state of being to the other, but I do agree that a huge part of monogamy being the norm is due to society rather than people genuinely wanting to be in a monogamous relationship.

ChateauneufduTwat · 06/12/2018 13:16

I felt exactly the same way (on and off) all through my twenties and early thirties while I was with my ExH. We were incredibly compatible and our home life was comfy and happy but after having our DC I felt stifled and bored and eventually became completely fixated on the amazingly exciting life I felt I could be having if only I were single.

We entered into an open relationship and it was an abject fucking disaster which hugely expidited our split. It was the worst time of my life despite me being the one who pushed for it the most. We tried doing everything ethically and honestly as recommended by experts but it was still a time of hideous jealously/suspicion and hurt that I never want to experience again. It was as if, despite us both being intellectually on board with the concept, our primal emotions and instincts were unable to rise to the same level.

4 years on I'm with my now DP and I knew from day one that I only ever wanted to be with him. The contentment I feel with him is so deep and complete that it fulfills all my emotional needs. I no longer have that itch, that curiosity to know if there's something better out there because I know there isn't. I think that's partly attributable to getting older but it's also because I've been there and done it and have no desire to do it again.

So YANBU to feel the way you feel at all but be careful what you wish for, would be my advice.

ElonMask · 06/12/2018 13:19

The problem with open relationships and even just being single and shagging loads of different people is that these things are only even imaginable because of safe and reliable contraception.

Would you be pondering sex with all these men if you couldn't use contraception ? Suddenly doesn't seem so enticing or natural I find.

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