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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be monogamous because I have to be, not because I want to be?!

76 replies

Wintercountry · 06/12/2018 12:09

A thread in the ‘sex’ section got me thinking, and I put the same statement in there.

I love DP, I am actually happy with him, find him attractive and our sex life is fine.

However, I have ALWAYS felt a bit restless/ bored after about 4 years in my relationships. I haven’t ever cheated on anyone (though, ashamedly did come close once and that’s when I knew I had to leave) but I’ve always craved attention from other men/ craved flirtation and a bit of frisson and excitement, no matter what relationship I’m in.

I struggle with the thought of only ever having sex with DP for the rest of my life, that’s not because he’s a crap shag or that I don’t love him or find him attractive, because he’s not and I do! But sometimes I think I’m just programmed differently to other women.

I have a couple of friends who have only ever had one sexual partner and have been with the same guy since they were 16/17 (we’re in our 30’s now) and they say they have never wanted to be with anyone else, and the thought of only sleeping with that partner forever more brings them nothing by happiness.

I really envy them as life must be so simple. I can have months and months where I am perfectly content and satisfied, but then I’ll catch the eye of a handsome stranger on a night out or a blast from the past will pop up and I’ll think ‘would things have been different if I’d have ended up with them’ etc.

This is quite indicative of me in general though, I often feel bored, restless in a lot of aspects of life and once I achieve something, I’m then no longer satisfied with that. I always want more

Is this feeling more common than I realise? Or am I really in the minority? I don’t mind either way, as I am the only person that can help/ change my mindset so it won’t make an awful lot of difference to me but sometimes I feel so insular in my thoughts.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 06/12/2018 13:49

Monogamy is a choice, just like any other. But it has to be a mutual choice by both people. I've been monogamous for over 30 years and I will be until I die. It's a choice DH and I made together.

But that's not to say that I've never gotten that little 'frisson' when I see a handsome face. It's only natural. But I'd never act on it. Monogamy doesn't mean you don't have desires, it just means that you both agree not to act on them.

There's nothing inherently 'better' about monogamy from the standpoint of personal relationships. It's about honesty and agreeing how you will live.

craftinglife · 06/12/2018 14:09

Exactly the same!

Ladymacmuff · 06/12/2018 14:12

Not any more! I genuinely don't find other men that I come across in rl particularly attractive - and it disturbs me to be flirted with these days (it happens less and less!) I had a good ten years of the sort of excitement you are talking about and that's it - I know what it's like and I just don't want it anymore. I used to like playing computer games and I've grown out if that as well.

I'm very happy with the thought of only having sex with DH - I really couldn't be bothered having to teach another bloke

I'm sure how you feel is perfectly normal - it's what you do about it really. How much do you want to act on those feelings. Could you cheat? Do you want to split? If not then carry on as you are and enjoy your fantasies in private - I'm sure lots of people are a little bit unfaithful in the privacy of their own minds! Of course, there is always the Poly/swinging/open options as suggested above - somewhat relies on your current partner feeling the same way & not without risk.

Other than that have more kids or get a dog or volunteer for some demanding cause, you will soon find you don't have any mental or physical energy for anything but the occasional sexy thought! I'm 45 so older than you btw - maybe it's my hormones!

ElonMask · 06/12/2018 14:19

Well I think when someones partner dumps them for another model they get upset, jealous etc. These feelings are a manifestation of mate guarding instinct. Why else do they exist if we are not evolved to have some emotional reactions around sex ?

BonnieandHyde · 06/12/2018 14:27

"I don’t need anyone else. He feels the same it works for us so far."

This isn't aimed at the original poster of this quote but I sort of inwardly snort laugh when I see replies like this. You only have to go on swinging sites and adultery forums to see that some model husbands, where butter wouldn't melt and you'd have absolutely no idea or suspicions about, can also be people who want to or do indeed play away.

If anything they're the most likely to be in long term affairs (along with Police and other Emergency Service workers) because they're not getting what they want at home but dont want to break up the family life.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 06/12/2018 14:39

Yes. Adultery forums won't show you any of the people who are in monogamous relationships and aren't shagging or trying to shag anyone else though...

U2HasTheEdge · 06/12/2018 16:56

Yes. Adultery forums won't show you any of the people who are in monogamous relationships and aren't shagging or trying to shag anyone else though...

Exactly. I don't know why anyone would 'inwardly snort' at someone for saying monogamy works for them and they don't want anyone else.

There are many couples out there where they are happy being monogamous and cheating isn't going on.

Wordthe · 06/12/2018 17:30

These feelings are a manifestation of mate guarding instinct. Why else do they exist if we are not evolved to have some emotional reactions around sex
this is just evolutionary psychology aka 'just so stories'
there's no mate guarding instinct, it's just a case of being pissed off because you've been usurped/putdown/insulted

it is a manifestation of the fact that we tend not like things we perceive to be against our interests

ReanimatedSGB · 06/12/2018 17:38

Ah,Elon, back on another thread peddling the same wilfully ignorant bullshit. I'm beginning to wonder if you have some serious insecurities around your own relationship, given your desperate need to proclaim that your way is the 'right' way because SCIENCE when you so obviously haven't got the faintest idea what you are talking about.

SonOfSaturn · 06/12/2018 17:43

I can't even tell who Elon is replying to. Her posts seem to be on such a random tangent.

Of course emotions become involved when people form sexual relationships, nobody has said they don't!

ElonMask · 06/12/2018 17:43

Yes, and why would "perceive" that someone we love preferring to have sex with someone else rather than is would not be in our interests then ?

RSGB

Funny, I think the same thing about you and your supposedly scientific theories about it.

ElonMask · 06/12/2018 17:50

I was responding to the opinions that monogamy was not natural.

Wordthe · 06/12/2018 17:58

let me guess....a Jordan Peterson acolyte?

ElonMask · 06/12/2018 18:10

Nope, someone who believes people fall in love and want to be monogamous. You can choose to believe that it is not natural and we've been tricked by a great conspiracy all you want. Maybe you'll pick up a new tin foil hat cheap in the January sales ?

Wordthe · 06/12/2018 18:16

Elon, you talk about things being natural I'm wondering what (in your view) are the necessary and sufficient conditions which need to be fulfilled in order for something to be considered natural?

ReanimatedSGB · 06/12/2018 18:18

Elon, presumably you fall in love and want monogamy, as do some people. Why do you find it so impossible to comprehend that this simply isn't true of everyone else? And please don't come out with more crap about pregnancy - plenty of people are in same-sex relationships, so conception isn't an issue; women who are post menopausal are often still very interested in sex and dating. Monogamy's about as natural as veganism. (And, yes, stupid people may well try to insist that veganism is more 'natural' than eating meat, but this is also bullshit. Some cultures developed a more plant-heavy diet because it was a better use of resources to grow edible plants in that climate; in other cultures, few plants that are nutritious to humans would grow well, so it became preferable to raise animals to eat...)

SonOfSaturn · 06/12/2018 18:21

Nope, someone who believes people fall in love and want to be monogamous

But that can be true at the same time as it being true that biologically/evolutionarily we are programmed not to be 100% monogamous.

lostlondoner · 06/12/2018 18:22

I feel the same. It's the initial excitement and flirting etc that I miss. I do think my feelings about this lie with having very young children though. I feel undesired and knackered and wish I was 10 years younger and could skip off dancing with mates on a whim!! I'm not sure I could do an open relationship because it may lead to me thinking I want more I.e change in relationship. My DH would totally NOT be up for it either!

CeeCeeEnnEss · 06/12/2018 18:30

I feel the same. I love DH to death though!

ElonMask · 06/12/2018 18:37

I think in this context it would fine only if your partner was happy with it, and you didn't mind him feeling the same way.

Wordthe · 06/12/2018 18:39

I think Elon and his ilk are just peeved at the thought of women having fun and enjoying an active and varied sex life

or 'riding the cock carousel' as some of them so poetically put it :o

DragonNoodleCake · 06/12/2018 19:39

@Prefer I think you might be me are you?

Valanice1989 · 06/12/2018 20:03

If you really feel you can't be happy in a monogamous relationship, OP, maybe you should leave your partner and find someone who wants the same as you. But don't go into it lightly, and remember - it might be a case of the grass being greener on the other side, OP. I have a friend who was initially very enthusiastic about being in an open marriage, but she now regrets it. She and her husband agreed from the start that polyamory is nothing to be ashamed of, so they've always been open (pun unintended) about it with their families and friends.

Fast-forward a few years and her husband posts photos of himself and his various bits on the side to Facebook. He has a "favourite" girlfriend and last year he wrote a gushing FB post about how he was out with her at a restaurant when a waiter told them that he had never seen a couple so in love. My friend was absolutely mortified that he posted that for everyone (including their families) to see.

Do you think you'd be happy with that sort of relationship in the long-term? No judgment, lots of people are. Just think through the implications. Would you want to keep it a secret from your families and friends? There's no guarantee the choice would be yours - once you've involved other people in your relationship, you can't stop them from talking. Would you really be comfortable noticing that your partner was in a good mood and knowing it's because he has a date tonight with a woman he's falling in love with?

Another thing to bear in mind is the risk of STIs. Herpes, for example, can be contracted even if you wear a condom.

Jimdandy · 06/12/2018 20:09

I’m exactly the same. I’d quite happily have an open relationship with my husband but unfortunately he doesn’t feel the same. I have strayed in the past. I don’t to be with someone else on a daily basis or want an actual relationship, just the thrill of the chase.

Prefer · 07/12/2018 09:53

DragonNoodleCake

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