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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be monogamous because I have to be, not because I want to be?!

76 replies

Wintercountry · 06/12/2018 12:09

A thread in the ‘sex’ section got me thinking, and I put the same statement in there.

I love DP, I am actually happy with him, find him attractive and our sex life is fine.

However, I have ALWAYS felt a bit restless/ bored after about 4 years in my relationships. I haven’t ever cheated on anyone (though, ashamedly did come close once and that’s when I knew I had to leave) but I’ve always craved attention from other men/ craved flirtation and a bit of frisson and excitement, no matter what relationship I’m in.

I struggle with the thought of only ever having sex with DP for the rest of my life, that’s not because he’s a crap shag or that I don’t love him or find him attractive, because he’s not and I do! But sometimes I think I’m just programmed differently to other women.

I have a couple of friends who have only ever had one sexual partner and have been with the same guy since they were 16/17 (we’re in our 30’s now) and they say they have never wanted to be with anyone else, and the thought of only sleeping with that partner forever more brings them nothing by happiness.

I really envy them as life must be so simple. I can have months and months where I am perfectly content and satisfied, but then I’ll catch the eye of a handsome stranger on a night out or a blast from the past will pop up and I’ll think ‘would things have been different if I’d have ended up with them’ etc.

This is quite indicative of me in general though, I often feel bored, restless in a lot of aspects of life and once I achieve something, I’m then no longer satisfied with that. I always want more

Is this feeling more common than I realise? Or am I really in the minority? I don’t mind either way, as I am the only person that can help/ change my mindset so it won’t make an awful lot of difference to me but sometimes I feel so insular in my thoughts.

OP posts:
SonOfSaturn · 06/12/2018 13:21

Would you be pondering sex with all these men if you couldn't use contraception ? Suddenly doesn't seem so enticing or natural I find

I don't really understand your point. Contraception exists, so I don't need to worry about what it would be like if it didn't.

ElonMask · 06/12/2018 13:24

Well indeed, but when someone says monogamy is not "natural" you see the problem?

Afternooninthepark · 06/12/2018 13:25

I feel the same and brought this conversation up it’s my dh not long ago, he was horrified and couldn’t understand why I would feel that way. So we haven’t discussed it again. I’ve been with him since I was 16 and he was my first and only sexual partner. I feel so very sad (and a bit frustrated at myself for not having more fun when I was younger) that I will probably never get to have another sexual relationship with anyone else. I would never cheat on him as I love him dearly but I can’t help how I feel.

SonOfSaturn · 06/12/2018 13:25

Not really. They're saying that it can be difficult at times to be monogamous because we're "naturally" inclined to want to have sex with more than one person.

BonnieandHyde · 06/12/2018 13:29

YANBU Op. Some women are totally dead below the waist. But then so are some men I know. They genuinely have zero interest.

It's a sliding scale and there are extremes of both ends but the 'norm' should be that both parties want to shag often. I always figure the women (or men) that don't either have had shit sex partners, are shit in bed themselves or really just don't fancy their partners and may not even realise it (or are fully aware of it).

You 'should' want to shag the life out of the person you go to bed with.

Sadly many just settle for comfort and routine. Each to their own. 🤷🏼‍♀️

More fun for us OP! 😁

Oh and if you'd like info on swinging, drop me a message - it's Fab! (And those of you that get that reference feel free to also drop me a message 😘)

IdClimbHimLikeATree · 06/12/2018 13:29

I am also like this and have nearly been caught out on more than one occasion but have managed to stop myself doing anything. I feel like there's something wrong with me tbh. I'd never act on any feelings or opportunities because I would hate to break up my family but yes. The thought of only ever being with DH is a bit... rubbish.

ElonMask · 06/12/2018 13:31

No, we're naturally inclined to deal with the high possibility of pregnancy resulting from sexual intercourse, which is why humans typically pair bond so that they can raise the child together while it is vulnerable.

Life long monogamy is different, but bonding with sexual partners because of the biological reality that sex = babies is the natural inclination if you ask me.

OoohAyyye · 06/12/2018 13:32

I feel like this sometimes. I go through phases.

I would never act on anything because I had a fair bit of playing around before I settled with DP and sadly not one person satisfied me. I like the excitement, but I know the chances of feeling disappointed are very high. (Plus I wouldn't want to hurt my DP obvs!)

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 06/12/2018 13:32

Do you actually want to have sex with other people or do you simply enjoy thinking about it? Because the two are different.

I think it's quite normal to have your head turned by someone you find attractive even if you're very happy being monogamous. I actively don't want to have sex with anyone other than DH as I don't want to have sex without being in love, and he's the person I'm in love with. But I still sometimes see people I find attractive and think about what it might be like to have sex with them, even though when it came down to it, if they offered I would say no. Liking the thought of something and actually wanting or even being prepared to it are different things.

There are also some people who just aren't monogamous. I'm as sceptical of claims that this group includes most people as I am of claims that monogamy is the only way, but there are definitely people who don't feel happy in monogamous relationships. You might be one of them.

Conventicle · 06/12/2018 13:36

Gosh, I don' think it's that unusual. I can think of two happily-married friends who have told me over the last few months that they have discussed with their spouses having an extra-marital relationship at some point in the future.

MulticolourMophead · 06/12/2018 13:36

The problem with open relationships and even just being single and shagging loads of different people is that these things are only even imaginable because of safe and reliable contraception.

Would you be pondering sex with all these men if you couldn't use contraception ? Suddenly doesn't seem so enticing or natural I find.

Promiscuity hasn't only been around for women since reliable contraception was available, you know. Women have been having affairs for centuries.

Wordthe · 06/12/2018 13:38

My guess is that mostly men would be disinclined to agree to an open relationship

This is because women stand to gain much more than men do from this setup
Broadly speaking it is much easier for women to find casual sex partners then for men to find the same

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 06/12/2018 13:38

Yeah, and it's not like ways to orgasm that don't involve a risk of pregnancy are a recent discovery.

SlowlyShrinking · 06/12/2018 13:40

I think it’s normal to crave novelty and variety 🤷‍♀️ you have to work out whether that’s more important to you than being with a long term partner

Wordthe · 06/12/2018 13:40

Would you be pondering sex with all these men if you couldn't use contraception ? Suddenly doesn't seem so enticing or natural I find
please could you elaborate, I don't understand what this adds to the discussion?

noVotes · 06/12/2018 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wordthe · 06/12/2018 13:42

Certainly safe and reliable contraception has enhanced peoples sex lives, just as the internet has enhanced people's lives or being able to fly to Spain has enhanced people's lives

but I still don't understand what relevance this has to the discussion
please do enlighten me 🙂

MulticolourMophead · 06/12/2018 13:42

Life long monogamy is different, but bonding with sexual partners because of the biological reality that sex = babies is the natural inclination if you ask me.

The last stats I came across suggested as many as 1 in 4 children are not the biological child of the person named as father on the birth certificate. If this is correct, women are likely to be picking a mate who will help raise the children, who is not necessarily the person they're shagging.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 06/12/2018 13:43

I don’t want an open relationship but I would love it if I could have casual sex alongside the relationship with my husband. But I don’t want him to have casual sex elsewhere.

Which is why I would never discuss or even mention it to him, because it’s unfair and it would upset him that I’ve ever even considered it an option.

neveradullmoment99 · 06/12/2018 13:45

I agree that if you feel this way and act on it, you have to agree that its ok for your partner to do the same. Would you be fine with that? If not, forget it.

Crazybunnylady123 · 06/12/2018 13:45

I love my partner, I never have any interest in any other men. We keep it interesting, little presents, sneaky cuddles when lo is napping. I don’t need anyone else. He feels the same it works for us so far. 15 years strong. Grin

Wordthe · 06/12/2018 13:46

the biological reality is that humans are clever and innovative, we have invented safe and reliable contraception so that we can enjoy sex without it having to result in babies

clearly the natural inclination of humans is to invent things to make their lives better and more enjoyable, sex is a very enjoyable thing naturally we will want to invent things to enhance our sex lives

Original poster
Wintercountry · 06/12/2018 13:47

To answer some Q’s.....

I couldn’t have an open relationship/ swing 1( because DP would absolutely never even entertain the idea and 2) even if he did, I’d find knowing he was shagging other people too difficult to deal with (hypocrisy right I know!) Him and I also think about sex very differently, he’s never had sex with someone outside of a relationship, for him, one night stands are abhorrent and just pointless because sex = love for him.

Whereas for me, i have had one night stands and enjoyed them, I have enjoyed ‘dating’ (also not enjoyed it and by the time o met DP was actually thoroughly fed up of it!) and sex for me can just be a purely physical thing. I can see someone attractive on a night out and just fantasise about shagging them, but the fantasy wouldn’t then lead to us being soul mates/ married/ babies etc.

Mostly I am happy with my lot, I’m with a kind, loving, handsome, hard working and successful man who prioritises me always and makes me feel loved everyday.

I know I would be stupid to throw all that away for a quick shag and so wouldn’t do it, but equally, feeling/ knowing that that part of my life is now fully concluded, makes me feel equally sad if I’m honest.

OP posts:
IfNotNowBernard · 06/12/2018 13:47

I get it and don't think it's weird at all to crave the initial excitement you always get with a new person. However much you are into a man relationships always settle into comfort after a while -which is lovely, but it's not the same.
It's a question of weighing up the pros and cons. The idea of "swinging" repulses me-it's not that I want random or promiscuous sex, just "newness" occasionally. I always assume most people are like this and choose monogamy because of all the other benefits.
(Please noone message me about swinging or poly, I'm actually quite conventional!)

PumpkinKitty82 · 06/12/2018 13:49

You’re not in the minority at all , just not everyone chooses to admit it .
I think it’s natural to crave change in some form after a long period of “sameness”