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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend comes and goes at weird times

90 replies

spoon19996 · 06/12/2018 03:08

I don't know what to think anymore. We have two kids and the other night out of no where he learnt home at 2 in the morning saying "he wanted time alone". He has his own house. He goes home at such strange times. Right now our 2 year old is really bad at night and she's up most of the night which then wakens are 5 month old baby. Is it laziness or something else. He often can't be bothered and leaves me to do the kids alone.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:

lilmishap · 06/12/2018 16:35

If he loves you OR the girls as much as he's claiming why are his kids in rented accommodation when there's an OWNED house? Why is he not in the rented home?

He does not live with you, he has a house, is he contributing financially towards his children after insisting you shell out for another house and the associated costs cause of his 'wanting to be alone'?

I would be telling him that me and the kids are moving into the owned property that I contributed toward and he can get a fucking hotel room if he wants to be alone.

Custody my arse. Laugh at him next time he says that, fuck off out the door, leave the girls with dad of the year and come back hours later then give him a date he can pay his first maintenance and tell him it's time to go home.....Wait until he's stormed out to sob your heart out don't give him the satisfaction of your tears

BookwormMe · 06/12/2018 16:37

So on Saturday (when you posted last post) you were single and you took him back between then and now and he started buggering off straight away??? He's never going to be the partner or father you want/need him to be by the sounds of things. Assuming you got pregnant while at uni (you said you're 22 now and have a DD2), did you have to drop out? Maybe you could finish your law degree somewhere else, start afresh? It sounds like your DC won't be missing out if he's not in their lives.

lilmishap · 06/12/2018 16:53

He TOLD you. He wants to be alone. He left to be without you.
It's a dead horse, he's already left you, stop flogging yourself.

Beaverhausen · 06/12/2018 17:04

Ok do not listen to your health visitor go and see someone at citizens advice also trust me, he has no interest in them now he won't have any interest in the future.

Come on deary if this is the life you want for you and your children then stay. If not there are groups you can talk to who can give you the right advice and help you to love on.

Come on it is not that difficult to move on and call him out on all his idle threats. And that is all they are, I guarantee you if you show him you ate not to be trifled with he will leave you alone.

Arrowfanatic · 06/12/2018 17:29

You're a glorified booty call OP and that is it. He has no interest in being your partner or the girls father. He won't maintain any custody agreement because he can't just give the kids back when he wants a break.

Toss him to the kerb and focus on these girls of yours that have done nothing to deserve the mistreatment they are getting at both of yours hands. I can't imagine how confusing it must be at that age to have a father who swans in and out of life when he wants. I mean, I had that as a teenager and struggled so how the hell can a 2 year old cope.

Put your energy back into you and the girls, ignore this player. Oh and I am almost 100% positive he has one if not more women on the go too.

Holidayshopping · 06/12/2018 17:51

He lives in a house paid for with your inheritance but your and the kids rent, is that right?

Original poster

spoon19996 · 07/12/2018 03:41

Yeah everyone on this thread is right. It's 20 to 4 and I'm up with our daughter she's not well and I asked if he even wanted to stay and he said no and I said go if you want but I won't want you if you do and he's gone home at this weird time and says he's miserable to stay here and everything about being here makes him miserable and I asked if he even wanted a relationship with me and he said he doesn't want to talk about my bullshit and how I make everything so much worse. I honestly can't work out what I did. He came over uninvited after I told him full commitment or to leave us alone and we've gotten shopping and all watched tv together and laughed a lot. He has been particularly horrible tonight, said I looked fat, everything I've said he's put down etc. I just don't understand any of it. But I do think it's a turning point because I'm not upset by it.

OP posts:

Luckingfovely · 07/12/2018 04:02

"He came over uninvited after I told him full commitment or to leave us alone and we've gotten shopping and all watched tv together and laughed a lot. He has been particularly horrible tonight, said I looked fat, everything I've said he's put down etc. "

He has TOLD you he doesn't want a relationship with you.

He calls you fat.

He puts you down.

Why did you let him in the door again?

He is absolute scum.

Please grow a pair, and change the locks, and kick him out for good, and stop living this ridiculous drama.

Luckingfovely · 07/12/2018 04:03

He has TOLD you he doesn't want a relationship with you.

He calls you fat.

He puts you down.

Why did you let him in the door again?

He is absolute scum.

Please grow a pair, and change the locks, and kick him out for good, and stop living this ridiculous drama.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2018 04:26

Well done for putting an important boundary in place. You and your children deserve so much better. I’m glad you’re seeing him for who he is. Horrid and a drain on your resources. It will be hard but I also think easier without himawan you will be able to concentrate on you and your girls rather than this manchild.

BookwormMe · 07/12/2018 07:46

First thing this morning, change the locks (if he's got a key). Then start getting your finances in order – see what you might be entitled to and how much maintenance he should pay you. Schedule set times for him to see the children, if he can be bothered to, and make it clear you won't deviate from that and he is no longer welcome to turn up uninvited. You DO have the strength go it alone, OP – because you pretty much already are. Good luck.

FlippinNora1 · 07/12/2018 08:07

My own father was abusive to myself, mother and siblings

You can choose to stay in your own abusive relationship, have a crap life and teach your children this is how life is. Just like your own parents did to you.

Or YOU can be the one to break the cycle of abusive partners in your family history.

Yes, he may want some access. Don’t be scared by that. Be more scared by the damage you will inflict on yourself and your children by staying with him.

Namestheyareachangin · 07/12/2018 11:32

What Nora said. It is not just bad luck this scumbag has marked you out to fuck around OP - he recognises your vulnerability and lack of self confidence, engendered by your own abusive dad, and is exploiting it, deliberately. He will go on to abuse your girls, and make them equally vulnerable to the endless supply of bastards like him out there waiting for them on the other side of childhood.

Alone, you can raise them into women who will laugh in these fuckers' faces and tell them to do one. If you stay with him, he will grind them down until they have just as hard a time as you do to stand up for yourself and say a loud, confident NO to what anyone else can see is totally unacceptable behaviour and treatment.

Please protect your girls from him. No-one protected you, and it is so unfair, but be for them the person who should have been there for you. You can do it!!!

lilmishap · 07/12/2018 18:15

I honestly can't work out what I did.

You took control and showed you have boundaries.

Expect the guilt treatment at some point "this is your fault, I'm the victim, let me carry on doing what I want, why are you so difficult" "some other bollocks you don't hear cause you realise it's ALL BS"

ignore it.

That shit is boring.

You're better than listening to boring BS from a waster.

Repeat.

lilmishap · 07/12/2018 18:22

Don't wait until after Christmas to sort maintenance. Do it now.

He has taken the ever loving piss out of you, anger will really help.

BUT it's not anger or revenge to get maintenance sorted, it's normal ADULT behaviour following a split.

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