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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend comes and goes at weird times

90 replies

spoon19996 · 06/12/2018 03:08

I don't know what to think anymore. We have two kids and the other night out of no where he learnt home at 2 in the morning saying "he wanted time alone". He has his own house. He goes home at such strange times. Right now our 2 year old is really bad at night and she's up most of the night which then wakens are 5 month old baby. Is it laziness or something else. He often can't be bothered and leaves me to do the kids alone.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Boohissmiss · 06/12/2018 08:29

After reading the thread linked you deserve better OP you really do.

BookwormMe · 06/12/2018 08:36

You're 21, have a two year old, but on the other thread you said you went to uni to study law and did a flat share with your best friend? I'm confused. Hmm

ReanimatedSGB · 06/12/2018 08:43

What was your own dad like? I think you have learned some pretty awful beliefs about parenthood and relationships: basically that men can do what they like and women must try to please their man at any cost.
Throw this prick out and get on to the CMS so that he has to pay maintenance. Then get on with building up a network of friends and family so that you have some people to support you, as he will move on and impregnate a few other women, and probably disappear rapidly out of your DC's lives.

nomorearsingmermaids · 06/12/2018 08:46

Please be kind people. If you read OP's other threads it's quite clear she's in an abusive relationship and is very young. Psychological abuse completely destroys your sense of self. Things that seem obvious to everyone else don't seem obvious to you.

OP, I would recommend contacting Women's Aid Flowers.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 06/12/2018 08:59

OP, he is an abusive waste of space who is undermining your self-worth. He offers nothing positive to you or your daughters.

It's entirely up to you how you proceed, but if you want to a) live a happy life and b) for your daughters to have healthy adult relationships you would do well to tell him to jog on. And then make sure you claim child support - regardless of what his parents think he is legally obliged to pay that.

trulybadlydeeply · 06/12/2018 09:04

He's an abusive waste of space. You are basically bringing up your girls alone anyhow, so you know you can get rid of him and do it alone. In fact without him, I can guarantee you that it will be easier.

Try and think ahead, and think whether you would want your girls in a relationship like this. Would you want a man treating them the way their father treats you? If you carry on in this relationship, they are going to grow up thinking that they deserve to be treated like this too.

I also recommend the Freedom Programme. You can do it all on line at your own pace.

You are worth so much more than this. Please don't allow yourself to be treated like this any longer.

SilverLining10 · 06/12/2018 09:10

You have to take some respect here. You chose to have not one but two children with him. Why havent you done anything about this before. You sound defeated about him not helping you with the children but yet you go on to have another one? It is absolutely pointless to complain about him when you arent doing anything but make your situation worse.

Yes you can say hes useless and every name under the sun, but what's the point in that? You are the one choosing him.

LucieMorningstar · 06/12/2018 09:22

BookwormMe

You're 21, have a two year old, but on the other thread you said you went to uni to study law and did a flat share with your best friend? I'm confused. hmm

This^^

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 06/12/2018 09:58

It's not unknown for students to have children.

Lovethetimeyouhave · 06/12/2018 10:11

After reading the previous thread I honestly have no idea why you're letting this man into your life like this. I think it's time to work on your self esteem

Foamybanana93 · 06/12/2018 11:07

is he a stray cat Hmm

spoon19996 · 06/12/2018 14:55

The post I said about being at uni I was saying this has happened to me a few years ago too. I was at uni 3 years ago living with a flat mate before I was pregnant. I said about a friend doing this to me to ask why this always happens to me. I probably worded it bad and didn't get my point across.

He owns his house, I rent mine.

My own father was abusive to myself, mother and siblings.

On the post I said I was single I was at the point because he breaks us up when it's too much for him and I "infuriate" him. Then he begs for me back.

I don't see him as a way to have babies. His benefit is he treats me good something and we have dates here and there and when we are together we get along very well and have a really good time until he all of a sudden wants to leave. I don't think he has another women because he's told me many times he'd straight up tell me and leave.

At the point I was at uni I was able to tell this friend to leave me alone and leave but they started the whole feeling down that Someone could do that to me. I'm not playing a victim it just ruined so much for me someone could do that. This has happened three times including my father to me.

I don't talk in real life about the abusive childhood out of embarrassment and the only two people I told claimed I was victim playing straight away even though they witness the police investigation and were coming to court with me. I'm too embarrassed to talk about the issues with my partner.

I have now told him he changes and fully commits or is nothing to anyone. Which normally leads to the whole going to court to get custody to scare me then I forgive him and let him do what he wants because I don't like or trust his family and her let them have the girls on his days rather than doing it himself. And he has a stepdad who insists on taking the girls to the toilet and forcing them into cuddles (could be innocent but I have no trust). So it's just a big mess that I'm stuck in.

OP posts:
Fontofnoknowledge · 06/12/2018 15:12

Stop it. It's doing you and the children no good and teaching them god knows what about relationships.
Put them first.
Move. Ideally a long long way away and start a normal life with your children. Away from this fuck up. Time to stop relying on others and just look out for your children.

Beaverhausen · 06/12/2018 15:20

What makes you think he would get custody and come on the man can not even stay a night because of his precious sleep do you honestly think he is going to go for full custody.

Wake up deary you are being manipulated and used for as and when he has a need for you.

Thanksandnext · 06/12/2018 15:31

Are you saying it was a different guy in your other post? I’m confused.

Namestheyareachangin · 06/12/2018 15:34

Read your other post and I agree with Fontofnoknowledge.

Get away from this horrible horrible man and his screw-up family. Move somewhere far away while your kids are still young and build a new life with them. He won't come looking for you, he's too much of a selfish fuck-up for that.

You need to be alone together, you and your two girls. That is the very best thing for you. Focus on them, loving them and keeping them safe. They will repay you with a love out of this world, which will heal you from all these dickhead men who have hurt you. Please also go to your new GP as soon as you're there and request counselling and parenting classes as a matter of urgency. You can be happy, and you can be a great mum, but there's a lot of shit to be unpicked first so you will never again allow anyone to treat you (and by extension your girls) in this shitty shitty way xxx

spoon19996 · 06/12/2018 15:36

I have spoken to a heath visitor I was very close with she reckons he would get some custody and I wouldn't have control over where he went and who the girls were with.

Is it possible to leave? Does he not have rights to find them when they join school? That's how a friend from schools dad got back in contract with her, he dad looked found her school and was legally allowed to be told this information

OP posts:
Namestheyareachangin · 06/12/2018 15:41

He could. But he won't, because he's a selfish bastard and he doesn't love them or you.

And even if he does, that gives you two years without his poisonous influence, two years in which to build your own life and self esteem back up and engage with him on some kind of an even footing. Two years to build strong, happy, resilient girls who trust you to protect them and can tell you if something bad happens when they're with him - who have a 'normal' to compare him to which is loving, sane and happy rather than his chaotic, confusing, abusive regime being their 'normal'.

Right now you're on the ground psychologically and he's just kicking you over and over again. Crawl away however you can and heal.

Namestheyareachangin · 06/12/2018 15:42

Worry about everything that could happen when it does. What's happening now is a fucking emergency.

Namestheyareachangin · 06/12/2018 15:44

Seriously, you're so young OP. When your kids are grown up you'll STILL be young, relatively speaking. You could have so many things in your life. Don't let this be your life.

lilmishap · 06/12/2018 15:57

He owns his house, I rent mine.

Because he spent your inheritance on it.
Am I understanding this right?

He WILL leave you and the girls again, screwing them up in the process. Get in there first, he does not care about being with you he KEEPS showing that..

I really wish you were in front of me right now, you need a friend to confirm what you know, I've been the doormat you are and it's humiliating in these moments of clarity.

The abuse and mistreatment has you doubting what your instincts are screaming at you. You Three deserve better, he's a pitiful excuse of a boy, please don't show the girls that this BS is normal.

Fuck him

Omzlas · 06/12/2018 15:59

I'd be telling him to go have alone time. Like forever.

Loser.

lilmishap · 06/12/2018 16:01

Have you asked "when are you going to start paying back the money I spent on your house?"

I would be

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 06/12/2018 16:03

OP he may get some custody if he went to court because it is your children's right to see their father, but due to the way he acts it is unlikely he would be bothered to drag you to mediation then court if the mediation doesn't work.

Regardless you have nothing to worry about if he does unless he has abused your children already. If he has then you should be getting the police and SA involved immediately as you will be also liable due to not protecting them.

lilmishap · 06/12/2018 16:08

he would get some custody and I wouldn't have control over where he went and who the girls were with.

This is NORMAL access, not custody. But purleese, him alone with the girls????

He'd do it once if that. He couldn't afford his own fucking house and won't live with the kids as he needs 'me time' no way is a court falling for his dependable parent skit, which he's never bothered doing at this point.

This post has touched a nerve with me, he does not care enough to go to court.......But he does owe you the money back AND MAINTENANCE.

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