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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Working with a baby, fed up and want to stop

112 replies

Hillside1234 · 05/12/2018 09:56

Hi, long time lurker but first post.

So, I work for the family business (kind of) doing cleaning 3 days a week in my parents house and in the business premises. I take my DS who is now 7 month. This has been going on since he was maybe 3 months old? It was a huge relief to begin with as there was no pressure to get loads done (tricky when you take your baby with you). As time has gone on it's become set days, have to get four hours done each day. Seems not a lot but I tend to be there from 9-5 and not get it done. What's more is whatever I do, do, is completely undone by the time I go back in next and I have to do the same job again (no Biggie but does grate on me). Then recently everywhere has been a total tip which feels overwhelming, especially when I can't find anywhere to put DS down. DM is great and has so much stuff there for DS which makes it easier (bouncer, play mat etc) except it's now all gone missing and it's a huge faff to sort anywhere out for him to play. His sleeping has gone bad recently and with some other personal stuff I'm really struggling with my sleep and feel physically sick some mornings from tiredness.

I typically earn about £200 a month, so not a lot but has been helpful. Recently DP has come into a bit of money and we can afford to not have this £200.

I'm looking to go back to work properly in Jan/Feb however I need to take time to write a CV etc etc but I feel like I'm chasing my tail on my days off to get all housework and errands run when time allows.

What's more is I'm actually beginning to enjoy just being at home, playing with DS, giving him my full attention (feel incredibly guilty atm when I work), keeping on top of the house and enjoying the odd nap and sorting for Xmas, and going back to work.

So I guess, AIBU to stop. I can't help but feel lazy, but today I feel physically ill yet again with tiredness and wondering how the hell I'm going to make it to 5pm.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 05/12/2018 11:44

You are not lucky. You are being taken advantage of by your own parents. You are only reading and responding to the posts that say otherwise. You could do all sorts of other jobs for far fewer hours and bring home that kind of money. They are exploiting you and not even paying you minimum wage! (I am sorry but it really doesn't add up despite what you've said!)

I agree that you should leave. Tell them on friday that you are giving a week's notice.

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/12/2018 11:47

This is all batshit. Your mums exploiting you.

I would stop all this madness now. If she takes umbridge so be it.

You must be exhausted, it’s nearly slave labour.

Original poster
Hillside1234 · 05/12/2018 11:48

By the time I've paid for childcare I probably wouldn't be doing much better to be totally honest. Not with the jobs I could get into quickly. Hence trying to take my time and get something that pays more.

Promise I am reading them all, and taking it all on board. And appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. It's very interesting to hear how it sounds from the outside, and does somewhat confirm what I have been thinking.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2018 11:49

Seriosuy, just tell your Mum you're not well and take a few days off. Then talk to your partner properly about quitting. Christmas is nearly here, you need time to get your own stuff sorted, not be ill all over a Christmas.
Are thry expecting you to work cleaning their house over Xmas too?

If your Mum worked three jobs with three children under 3 she either left you all alone a lot or she had some sort of help. I very much doubt she carted three babies to the jobs constantly. It's just grown into this myth that you have to compete with to be good enough for her to love.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/12/2018 11:50

I agree with everyone saying your parents are exploiting you. I would go further than that, though - I'm sorry to say it, but it seems to me as if your mother almost wants you to have it hard, as she did, and/or is punishing you for having it easier.

This is not good for your ds, your family (i.e. you, ds and dp), and it's not good for you. If it weren't a family business it would be illegal (it may be anyway). Believe me, I know how hard it is to face up to cruelties committed by our parents, but it's time for you to see this situation clearly and take steps to get out of it.

Grace212 · 05/12/2018 11:52

OP have I read this right, you went NC with them at one point? Wondering what happened to get you all back in touch.

Original poster
Hillside1234 · 05/12/2018 11:54

Okay, I've sent her a message asking for the rest of this week off, explaining how tired I am, how I'm finding it tricky with DS wanting to be moved around and played with constantly and I feel ill be no use if I come in due to feeling so pants.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 05/12/2018 11:55

You don't ask her. You tell her you're not well enough. You don't need to explain or justify. I expect she will reply to say no.

Original poster
Hillside1234 · 05/12/2018 11:57

I met my now DP (who they went mental about me being with to the point I had to call the police) who completely understood the difficulties. We started TTC and slowly I formed a relationship again with his help to be the bigger person and not rise to it all. When they found out we were expecting they're extent very happy, but I think once they realised it was happening they softened and have come to realise DP is wonderful, and love DS to bits.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 05/12/2018 11:59

I can't believe you agreed to work for them after all that tbh.

LuluJakey1 · 05/12/2018 11:59

You are working 96 hours every 4 weeks and earned £300 last month. That is terrible?
Just stop.

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/12/2018 12:02

Or they’re pretending to like him to keep you under the thumb and have access to the baby.

Just stop. If she falls out with you then so be it but you can’t grind yourself into the ground to maintain this facade of happy families. What happens if you want a second child? Do you drag them both round?.

(You could earn £300 a month matched betting sitting on the sofa btw.)

Comtesse · 05/12/2018 12:04

Your mother is not being nice to you. She is exploiting you and you respond because you want to win her love.

Call in sick and order Toxic Parents from Amazon.

You are enmeshed - your baby needs you more than your DM needs an underpaid cleaner.

Original poster
Hillside1234 · 05/12/2018 12:05

Hmm, maybe I'm naive but that seems a bit far fetched. Maybe more tolerant to keep things happy.

Trust me, there will definitely be no second child after the first labour! But no, I won't be entering in to working for them ever again. It was just to give some relief to a tricky financial situation.

Seriously!? How do you do that!?

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 05/12/2018 12:06

If your Mum worked three jobs with three children under 3 she either left you all alone a lot or she had some sort of help. I very much doubt she carted three babies to the jobs constantly. It's just grown into this myth that you have to compete with to be good enough for her to love.

MIL is one for this - according to her she found work that she could take DH expect according to FIL and rest of family they did the childcare with occasional hiccup when employer would, as they were friends, look after him.

DH was left home fairly young - comeing back to empty house for several hours while still in primary - MIL was very open and proud of that now it's being rewritten as it's terrible my secondary school children are left for less than an hour some days.

She isn’t I don’t think lying but is rewriting history and believes she did.

stiltonontoast · 05/12/2018 12:07

No yanbu in my opinion. It sounds horrible!

Working for family/friends is always a tricky thing in my experience, you are better off out of there if you have that option.

Original poster
Hillside1234 · 05/12/2018 12:07

Apparently she was worse off than if she'd have gone on benefits. I remember being at the childminders a lot. But yes, it does seem a little as though if I say I'm tired or struggling, I get some tale about how hard things were for her and made out to be idle

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 05/12/2018 12:14

But yes, it does seem a little as though if I say I'm tired or struggling, I get some tale about how hard things were for her and made out to be idle

My own parents did that for a bit - with themsleves and my Dsis - I found changing the subject and not getting drawn into the whole who had it harder game and when it did get to me venting to DH.

You learn not to say things like that as well - you limit information though later you get complaints they don't know things.

Carolcool · 05/12/2018 12:19

They are exploiting you.

MoaningSickness · 05/12/2018 12:26

the boundaries are so blurred

This in spades. You're working for them but you are also looking after you kid, you moan about lack of proper breaks but then admit you do take breaks to chat with your Nan, no one (you or them) are treating this like a proper working arrangement. I'm not surprised no one is happy with how its working out. You are spending huge amounts of hours to get very little work done.

If you want to look after your kid you do. If you want to work you arrange it when someone else can look after them or pay for childcare. Trying to do both at once is just a huge waste of time and effort with a child this age.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2018 12:28

I met my now DP (who they went mental about me being with to the point I had to call the police) who completely understood the difficulties. We started TTC and slowly I formed a relationship again with his help to be the bigger person and not rise to it all. When they found out we were expecting they're extent very happy, but I think once they realised it was happening they softened and have come to realise DP is wonderful, and love DS to bits.

It's nothing to do with being the 'bigger person'

Being family isn't a Get out of Jail Free card for being vile people.

I do not see what you get out of having them in your life.

Original poster
Hillside1234 · 05/12/2018 12:33

Because nowadays for the most part they're pretty good despite a few small things.

Also, when things have been bad before our whole extended family gets drawn in and I get made out to be the bad guy. Our family is so close and I don't really want to lose my entire family for a grievence with one member. I wouldn't be able to go to family things. Plus I want my DS to have his GM about. She loves him and he loves her and since things are somewhat manageable aside from this whole work situation I don't want to deprive either of them that. Plus, my Mum is so so great, when she's great.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hillside1234 · 05/12/2018 12:35

To be fair she's just replied to my message saying that's fine don't worry. I feel like it's all messed up and she can be not very nice but then she's fine. I just don't know how to take her or what to think about it all!

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 05/12/2018 12:36

www.teamprofit.com/starting-with-25 matched betting. Tricky at first but you’ll have a lot of time soon to learn. There’s threads in the money section on here too.

I agree with what everyone else says. It’s exploitative, manipulative and designed to keep you down.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 05/12/2018 12:48

'Plus, my Mum is so so great, when she's great.' Many people say similar about their abuser. Being great sometimes is part of how she keeps you putting up with the rest. Another part is enlisting wider family.

Without going into detail, I put up with (what sounds as if it could be) very similar for too long in the name of 'being the bigger person'. I promise you, it doesn't work.