Working with a baby, fed up and want to stop

[Hillside1234]

Hi, long time lurker but first post.

So, I work for the family business (kind of) doing cleaning 3 days a week in my parents house and in the business premises. I take my DS who is now 7 month. This has been going on since he was maybe 3 months old? It was a huge relief to begin with as there was no pressure to get loads done (tricky when you take your baby with you). As time has gone on it's become set days, have to get four hours done each day. Seems not a lot but I tend to be there from 9-5 and not get it done. What's more is whatever I do, do, is completely undone by the time I go back in next and I have to do the same job again (no Biggie but does grate on me). Then recently everywhere has been a total tip which feels overwhelming, especially when I can't find anywhere to put DS down. DM is great and has so much stuff there for DS which makes it easier (bouncer, play mat etc) except it's now all gone missing and it's a huge faff to sort anywhere out for him to play. His sleeping has gone bad recently and with some other personal stuff I'm really struggling with my sleep and feel physically sick some mornings from tiredness.

I typically earn about £200 a month, so not a lot but has been helpful. Recently DP has come into a bit of money and we can afford to not have this £200.

I'm looking to go back to work properly in Jan/Feb however I need to take time to write a CV etc etc but I feel like I'm chasing my tail on my days off to get all housework and errands run when time allows.

What's more is I'm actually beginning to enjoy just being at home, playing with DS, giving him my full attention (feel incredibly guilty atm when I work), keeping on top of the house and enjoying the odd nap and sorting for Xmas, and going back to work.

So I guess, AIBU to stop. I can't help but feel lazy, but today I feel physically ill yet again with tiredness and wondering how the hell I'm going to make it to 5pm.

Relationship has been incredibly strained over the last few years (and I must say a lot has been unreasonable behaviour from DM) but has drastically improved the last year and since having my son has been great (apart from the work situation where I have tried to bargain on making it a bit easier for me but to no avail. There's also been a bit of tension with her bring old stuff up since my Nan died but I've let that go with everyone being upset). I'm the eldest, but my sister also works for them and is golden child. She works hard, albeit easier as she hasn't got a child) but takes liberties and is definitely treated differently. When brought up it's instantly dismissed but again, I've just left it. Maybe I am being a doormat. I'm just terrified of things going downhill again.

The 14th, so really not long at all. I just want to quit now!
I've had time off sick with stomach bugs, and not been paid. Unless I did get paid as my wage was slightly more than expected this month. I don't know. They're pretty good when others are ill giving them ample time off with pay.

For goodness sake! You're not childish. You're worn out! This is way too much work for one person and nobody else sees how much you're doing or how frazzled you are.

OP, don't you have things to do in your own house? Really can't see the point of being away from your own home for so long and not being paid.
Yes, they may stamp their feet and say YOU'RE being unreasonable.
BUT, they know that they have been treating you badly.

Plenty of cleaning jobs on www.care.com and it's simple to set up as a self employed cleaner. You don't need to send accounts until 3 months after you start.
Find a friend or two that you can clean for and go on from there.
Magic tough tip: Dry taps and sinks with a micro cloth. The shine is dazzling!

What is the going rate for a cleaner in your area? I doubt it's NMW.

Your mother is exploiting you. She is not a good mother or a good employer.

How did your parents treat you when you were growing up? I wouldn't be surprised if they were demanding and critical. Did they treat you and your sibling(s) differently? You seem to have a lot of conditioning and a fear of displeasing your difficult mother.

You do realise that most grandparents help their children when babies come along, not the other way around, right?

Make no mistake - you are helping her, not the other way around. She may be paying you but she's not paying anywhere near enough and the working conditions sound very difficult.

Very few people would accept this from an employer.

Talk to your DP and tell him just how exhausted and down you're feeling.

"Thanks Perfectpeony, I can't wait either! Just to do something for myself, by myself. As awful as that sounds!"

No it doesn't sound awful. Stop putting yourself last.

Cross post, I hadn't seen your latest. I just knew your sister would be the golden child based on what you'd said.

Stop putting up with this shit. You're not a powerless child any more. You have to look after yourself for the sake of your own child.

I do pretty well at keeping on top of our house. I do all the cooking, cleaning, childcare (most, partner will have him if I want to see a friend sometimes or need a lie in), washing etc (partners work is ridiculous, and he does help out where he can l, before anyone goes in at him!). But it is one hell of an effort I must say. But then I think, hey, I only have one immobile (for now) child, and only work part time, when there are other wondering with 7 kids, a full time job and an immaculate house so what am I missing about really!?

Thank you, cleaning isn't really something I wanted to do, it was just because that was my only option (although it sounds like you can make a good amount from it!). I'm hoping to go either self employed schooling horses etc, or get into some lab work (that's what I really want to do and will hopefully go back to uni when DS is older).

Thanks for the sink and tap tip! I'll give it a go!

your parents think they are doing you a favour - paying you to clean their house and as you have your son with you they probably think you're only doing what you'd do in your own house.

However - it is not doing you a favour. You don't particularly need the money and if you did there is much easier ways of earning £200/month!

YADNBU !

"there are other wondering with 7 kids, a full time job and an immaculate house"

Hahahahahahaha

Wonder where all these super parents are, I have never met or heard of any

Stop putting this ridiculous pressure on yourself, it's your mother talking

If you're at your work for 8 hours while only working and getting paid for 3 then it's obviously not working out for you. It's a waste of the 5 hours that you can't spend with your baby without distractions because the boundaries are so blurred.

I agree that you need to leave.

Keep going until the 14th for your DH's sake and then stop.

Do not feel obliged to explain yourself to your family.

Have a good old rethink of your boundaries with your family and a nice bit of space from them - they sound really bad for you and the dynamic of you as black sheep and your sibling as golden child deeply entrenched - it's not going to change. Detaching and focusing on your own family unit is your best way forward.

I think this all seems way more fraught than it needs to be and you'd be better off without this job. Maybe you could work one day of the weekend while DH has baby or just wait until you can return to work properly at a later date.

I've no idea on going rate tbh!

My childhood was fantastic. I wanted for nothing, did loads of pony related stuff, was supported so well through education largely by my father who was a perfect personal tutor, and my mum and I were the bets of friends.

I went to uni, got a boyfriend (who the disapproved of and did turn out to be a wanker) and things went down hill, along with my mental health and our relationship, drastically.

I'm terrified of displeasing her. We've had so many ups and downs over the last few years, and I just want my Mum. So so badly. My partner is fab at helping me manage her antics, and not responding with too much emotion which has really helped. So I suppose im pandering and that makes the relationship okay.

DM loves DS to bits and has had him when I've been ill and DP has been away with work, has him of an evening if we want to see friends for a few hours and just loves looking after him. Just not when I'm working. She did a bit in the early days, but now I'm very much left to it once she's had her snuggle for the day! But then she is incredibly busy with the business.

OP, I've been in your position. When my parents decided they could afford to pay a proper wage (they paid me waaay less than you get, for many hours more work handling large amounts of cash) they offered the job to someone else and I only found out I'd been replaced when someone else told me.

It isn't going to get better, your parents will not like you more for being a doormat. They might, however unlikely it seems, respect you a bit for standing up for yourself, but I think you need to accept that you aren't going to get the relationship with them that you want. There are no magical happy endings here.

Since you are planning to go back to work soon anyway, you will only be having a short break. You are exhausted and exhaustion causes all sorts of problems, not least accidents while driving or caring for your baby. Talk to your husband and try to make it clear how bad you feel. If it's easier, tell your mother that you need some sick leave and deal with the quitting part later. She will not melt if she has to pay another cleaner the going rate.

No no noooo. There are no people working full time with 7 kids and an immaculate house. I can promise you! Who is telling you this shit? It’s all exhausting, all of it, if there’s someone with 7 kids, a full time job and spotless house, then I promise you they get help. Your mum is exploiting you and taking the piss! Untangle yourself from them, and look into the dynamics of your family and how to rise above it. This isn’t about the job exactly, it’s about you being taken advantage of by your family and being kept down in the role that they’ve allocated to you. I’m another one who knew the sister would be some kind of godlen child. It’s so frustrating, I’ve been there, and so have many others. The issue isn’t just about whether or not you need a break, which you do, but more that your family are subtly making you feel like shit, and to add insult to injury are getting cheap labour out of you. The more I read your responses the more appalled I am to be honest. When you said that your previously strained relationship he improved since you had your son, I kind of thought... it hadn’t, it’s just changed. I’m sorry. I know it’s hard to have strained relations with Family, really I do. I think this is what you need to address, the issues with them and how to move forward from pandering to them to keep the peace.

It's never a good idea to take a baby to work with you when you have to actually get stuff done I'm surprised your even allowed, your very lucky that you can take baby with you as a nursery would cost you loads

Exactly Paige, I'm very lucky I have the opportunity to even work and take my baby with me. Which is why I feel so awful for saying no to all this!

Thanks TheWarOnPeace, it's true. It needs to be sorted. But I just can't bring myself to start all that again. I was very much blamed for everything, including my mother's heart condition etc etc. I was forced to the doctor's to see if I had bipolar or something like that. I was so close to ending it all as I couldn't cope. I was kicked out, my siblings were awful to me. My mental health ruined me, until I met my partner, went NC and magically everything went away. Because we used to be so close I'm constantly seeking her approval and love and get so upset if she's angry at me, or disapproving. It's unhealthy I know, but there should talking to her and anything I say will not change her. So I just do whatever she requests instead in order to have my Mum in my life. I keep saying to DP we need to just move away and have some distance!

Your mother is exploiting you.

Your pay is dreadful, she doesn't treat you as she would a cleaner who wasn't family.

It's interesting that everything that was there for your DS has mysteriously vanished.

You might want your mum, but what you really want is a proper mum who thinks about you. She isn't it.

You need to leave and if the relationship founders then so be it. Put you and your family first.

You need to get counselling. She will never be the mother you want and your family won't be the family you want either.

You need to find the strength to go NC again.

It'll be somewhere, they've just been upside down with the housework and it's been put away somewhere I haven't thought of.

The problem is DM can be so loving, thoughtful, caring. Everything a mother should be. And then it turns, if I say for example I won't be going to a cousin's party because we desperately need family time and all hell breaks loose, until I say I'll go. It's a head fuck at the very least.

We have DPS every other weekend then the weekends we don't have him are spent trying to catch up with everything else and have some much needed time to rest and recoup. It could be done, but it would mean we hardly saw each other and DP hates the idea of it. I do too in honesty.

If you only have a few weeks before money comes through and you can give up do this - your DH can get things done at the weekend and have children while you do the cleaning in less time.

I really don't think your family are being generous here - and I suspect your DH had no idea how frazzled you are.

I agree with Nanny0gg, counselling would be very helpful - although you might find it difficult to find the time and money atm, you should prioritise it when you can.

Meanwhile read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, it's an excellent book and recommended on here all the time for good reason.

You could check out the Stately Homes thread too.

nd then it turns, if I say for example I won't be going to a cousin's party because we desperately need family time and all hell breaks loose

So? I've found that saying no may initially produce a negative response over time it tends to get better.

I think it would be easier to mange this relationship if work wasn't in there as well.

No, I don't think he does either.

As for weekends I may suggest that tonight, although it's DPS weekend and they're full on with both of us about, plus I love spending time with DPS and we get so little time with him. But it's a good plan temporarily. I'll speak to him tonight.