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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make my child remove her hat inside?

63 replies

SNOnlyDD · 04/12/2018 18:04

She has SN and has a bobble hat that she wears when she feels insecure or anxious. She literally wears it, then when she feels better takes it off and puts it in her bag.

She’s 4 and in reception. She started school this year so has been wearing the hat a lot more while she settles in. She doesn’t mess with the hat, but it isn’t school colours as it is a specific hat that helps. The head teacher and SENCO said it wouldn’t be a problem for her to wear it, and is classed as a reasonable adjustment for her. It’s a mainstream school and she is doing really well, loves school and making slow and steady progress.

She also sometimes wears the hat at home, especially when she’s been to her dads or we do something a bit scary. It gives her comfort, and stops her withdrawing into herself, when she withdraws it’s very difficult to help her or encourage and is more likely to need picking up from school.

But her 1-1 TA thinks she’s becoming dependant on it, and thinks it’s inappropriate to wear as sometimes she’s spending whole days in the hat, and she’s started taking the hat off of DD which means she withdraws into herself and is reluctant to take part in activities. With the hat on she needs a bit of encouragement but will take part, so to me it’s a win-win. TA is also worried DD will get bullied for wearing it (though I don’t see how as it’s a hat with a popular cartoon character on it which most of the children will know)

Headteacher and her class teacher are happy for her to wear it and to encourage her to become less dependent on it when she is completely settled, but 1-1 TA is the one with her more (3 hours each morning and lunchtime so 4.5 hours a day) so DD is more likely to listen to her.

AIBU? And if so how do I deal with this? DD is an only child (hence username) so never navigated this before.

OP posts:
HippoEvans · 04/12/2018 18:08

Sod the TA- you know you’re child best and HT has agreed it’s fine so let her wear her hat.

Just tell TA you’ve spoken to your DD and have decided to continue with the hat wearing inside- your call, not TA

Confusedbeetle · 04/12/2018 18:09

Maybe it would be helpful to get some advice from a psychologist or specialist. I can sort of guess where the TA is coming from. There might be other ways she can get comfort and security that are more varied, or maybe not so visual. Either way any changes would have to be incredibly subtle and gradual

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/12/2018 18:09

I have no experience of having a child with SN so you may wish to ignore me but if this little hat makes your DD feel more settled and happy then I would be insisting she wears it as long as she likes. She's still so young and has just started school so there's plenty of time for her to get used to not wearing it imo.

lazyarse123 · 04/12/2018 18:10

I'd get the teacher to have a word as it is a reasonable adjustment for her. I hate unqualified people who think they know better than a child's parent what works best.

BlackeyedGruesome · 04/12/2018 18:14

maybe you can work towards her having the hat in her pocket... when she is ready.

BlackeyedGruesome · 04/12/2018 18:15

and at her pace, but taking it off her and then her withdrawing are not helpful to her education.

Original poster
SNOnlyDD · 04/12/2018 18:16

maybe you can work towards her having the hat in her pocket... when she is ready.

This is the plan, it'll move to her pocket or table in front of her, then to slowly wean her off it completely, but it#s not a fast process and has to be done slowly.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 04/12/2018 18:17

She's 4 and has SN - let her wear the hat! Definitely speak to the teacher about it - she'll get to the stage of not wearing it when she's good and ready. When the TA has the same problems as DD then she can express an opinion on the need for the hat, not before.

BlueJava · 04/12/2018 18:18

I think her wearing the hat is perfectly reasonable, the TA should wind her neck in. If the head teacher agrees it's ok and there has been no issues I don't see the problem. I get annoyed by some people who think they know best, but actually don't

Flowerpot2005 · 04/12/2018 18:18

It's a small but comforting ritual for your LO, I'd insist it stayed for now.

Lots going on for her & getting used to a new routine, she will settle down if allowed to in her own time. I think that's really important because she's understanding how she feels about things & when she feels ready.

Original poster
SNOnlyDD · 04/12/2018 18:19

and there has been no issues I don't see the problem.

One child in the class asked why she wore it and she said "It makes me happy" and that's it, the rest of the class seem to have accepted it, there's been no problems.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 04/12/2018 18:20

TA is also worried DD will get bullied for wearing it

Than the TA needs to make sure the other kids are kind and cute nsoderate children - and stop victim blaming your child

LucieMorningstar · 04/12/2018 18:21

One of my kids wore a hat in reception, year 1 and year 2. They moved to juniors this past September and we’ve finally been able to drop the hat as we knew the juniors wouldn’t let my child wear it. It had gotten to the point where child was wearing it all the time when outdoors or not at home. But it helped them with the exact same things you’ve stated with your daughter and my child’s teacher who they had in Y1 and Y2 said their approach was “does it really matter”. FWIW mychild has an asd diagnosis and the schools approach to the hat was great and never once did as TA suggest it should be stopped.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/12/2018 18:23

I’m with @GreatDuckCookery - I don’t have any experience of this myself, but if it is helping your little girl settle down in school, the TA should not be taking it off her!

Hopefully, in the fullness of time, when she is more settled at school, she will use it less, but that is not now, and the TA’s approach is actively detrimental to your daughter’s progress.

RebelWitchFace · 04/12/2018 18:28

Talk to the teacher. If the SENCO,teacher and head all agree it's fine and it's not interfered at all with her school work then the TA can't and shouldn't interfere.
Have the teacher remind her of the reasonable adjustments made for DD and keep an eye on them.

Does the TA believe your daughter's diagnosis?

Original poster
SNOnlyDD · 04/12/2018 18:29

Does the TA believe your daughter's diagnosis?

I don't know, I've never asked her. She is new to the school this year so not sure if it's just it was policy at her old school or not

OP posts:
KnittingSister · 04/12/2018 18:29

Force the child to take off the hat and she gets withdrawn and anxious so she'll need a hat for comfort. Force her and it will take much longer to get rid of the hat than if she lets it go when she's ready. Anyway, ladies wear their hats indoors! Tell the TA to MHOB.

EmUntitled · 04/12/2018 18:32

TA sounds rubbish, I would definitely mention to her that you dont want her to take the hat away, that you will discuss with her when its the right time to start weaning gradually from the hat. And if she does continue then I would consider speaking to the HT about it.

Wearing a hat is minimally disruptive to other kids and doesn't affect her ability to do school work so whats the problem?

KMoKMo · 04/12/2018 18:34

What qualifications do TAs have to have? I know of one and they have a BTEC.
I’d also be telling the TA to wind their neck in and if they can’t be supportive ask for a new one.
What’s more important? Your DD doesn’t become reliant on a hat or she settles into a new environment and is comfortable enough to learn.
It’s only a hat. Which to me seems like a really small thing to allow her to wear if it helps.
I think the TAs attitude may delay your DDs progress and I wouldn’t be happy at all. You say she’s already become more withdrawn. I’d actually be fuming.

Bamchicabaawaa · 04/12/2018 18:38

For gods sake. I taught in reception and let even NT. children have a comforter until at least Christmas - school is MASSIVE

GreenTulips · 04/12/2018 18:41

What qualifications do TAs have to have?

That's quite rude

That are trained professionals and hard working

KMoKMo · 04/12/2018 18:49

I meant in the sense of whether they are actually trained in dealing with SNs? The one I know of isn’t specifically and got the job straight out of college following the BTEC. I’m not sure what input the teachers have and whether this will have come from the class teacher. Or perhaps the TA has previous experience which might be worth considering. I’d be more willing to trust my own instinct with a child anyway.

iamkahleesi · 04/12/2018 18:50

To be fair green tulip TA's often aren't trained professionals. Many TAs are amazing but not all qualified professionals. In this scenario the TA should be taking direction from the class teacher who has agreed this as a legitimate strategy. It isn't up to the TA to change the agreement. I would suggest you speak to the teacher about your concerns.

Fatasfook · 04/12/2018 18:52

A TA? As in, a teaching assistant? With no qualifications or expertise in the area? Tell her to stop fucking around with your daughter and to let her wear the hat!

Frozenteatowel · 04/12/2018 18:57

If it helps her feel settled and comfortable that’s wonderful and so important. This way she can enjoy her day and get on with having fun and learning. I’m sure in time she will feel less of a need to wear it and may be happy to have it in her bag or drawer. It’s great that the other children have just accepted it. I would speak to her teacher who can tell the TA what approach is to be taken. I used to be a TA and wouldn’t have felt it appropriate to try encourage your DD not to wear her hat. It’s something that the parents in conjunction with the teacher/head should be managing. If I’d had any concerns about her wearing it then I would have flagged it up with her teacher.