To not make my child remove her hat inside?

[SNOnlyDD]

She has SN and has a bobble hat that she wears when she feels insecure or anxious. She literally wears it, then when she feels better takes it off and puts it in her bag.

She’s 4 and in reception. She started school this year so has been wearing the hat a lot more while she settles in. She doesn’t mess with the hat, but it isn’t school colours as it is a specific hat that helps. The head teacher and SENCO said it wouldn’t be a problem for her to wear it, and is classed as a reasonable adjustment for her. It’s a mainstream school and she is doing really well, loves school and making slow and steady progress.

She also sometimes wears the hat at home, especially when she’s been to her dads or we do something a bit scary. It gives her comfort, and stops her withdrawing into herself, when she withdraws it’s very difficult to help her or encourage and is more likely to need picking up from school.

But her 1-1 TA thinks she’s becoming dependant on it, and thinks it’s inappropriate to wear as sometimes she’s spending whole days in the hat, and she’s started taking the hat off of DD which means she withdraws into herself and is reluctant to take part in activities. With the hat on she needs a bit of encouragement but will take part, so to me it’s a win-win. TA is also worried DD will get bullied for wearing it (though I don’t see how as it’s a hat with a popular cartoon character on it which most of the children will know)

Headteacher and her class teacher are happy for her to wear it and to encourage her to become less dependent on it when she is completely settled, but 1-1 TA is the one with her more (3 hours each morning and lunchtime so 4.5 hours a day) so DD is more likely to listen to her.

AIBU? And if so how do I deal with this? DD is an only child (hence username) so never navigated this before.

As a TA in the Early Years I would without a doubt be following the child's best interests and taking on board the parents wishes, supporting this with strategies to use when all agree the child is ready.

@KMoKMo Agree with @GreenTulips a rude and ignorant comment, let me assure you a lot more training goes into being a TA than "Just a BTEC".

@MichonnesBBF
Well sorry that’s not my experience nor that of other posters by the looks. I’d be interested in how much training teachers get in SNs too tbh. I can’t see how there is an awful lot. It’s not a criticism. They are under a lot of pressure but without specialist knowledge I don’t see how they can comment.

Secure dependence is more likely to flourish into independence, than being flat out abandoned without having the experience of being able to safely depend upon something/somebody.

Generally, we need to have the experience of feeling safe and secure by depending on somebody/something else before any of us can successfully strike out alone without it.

Surely it's better for her to have the comfort of her safety net while she learns that school is a place she can be safe and survive in?

People who don't understand the importance of dependence in developing independence aren't qualified to criticise it. It's not some terrible thing to be rooted out; it has an important part to play.

The TA is probably coming from the right place. I have an anxiety disorder and in order to manage it better and not have it control your life it’s important to not let certain things become too vital to not feeling anxious because they can escalate (as you’ve seen with her wearing the hat more and more). However this is the advice I’ve been given as an adult with no learning difficulties and I imagine the advice for a small child with SEN would be different. Forcing her to remove it would only increase her stress and she wouldn’t understand reasoning like “I’m doing this to show that you don’t need the hat and can calm yourself without it” like a teenager or adult would. So no, you’re not being unreasonable, the TA should listen to you (and the teacher) about this.

I wonder if the T A would remove a short sighted child’s glasses...

Ta have more training in SN than teachers, and they usually have a lot more experience

I would personally start enouraging her to take it off. All 4 year olds are nervous when starting school but as a parent you need to start encouraging her to settle — this is especially important due to her SN. Start small in the house and then work your way up to school.

They are under a lot of pressure but without specialist knowledge I don’t see how they can comment.

We can comment from experience, from dealing with kids with various SEN daily, from forming bonds, from trainings , from doing personal research and investing our own time and money to better our understanding AND make the classroom a better environment for the kids.
But what do I know? I'm just a TA.

The TA is probably coming from the right place. I have an anxiety disorder and in order to manage it better and not have it control your life it’s important to not let certain things become too vital to not feeling anxious because they can escalate (as you’ve seen with her wearing the hat more and more)
She's wearing the hat more because she's started school and that's pretty terrifying for a lot of kids even before you stick SN into the mix! OP has said that she removes the hat herself WHEN she's feeling more relaxed - that takes time. Having the TA taking it off her just because they think she shouldn't wear it is going to make school harder to get used to not easier. Far better surely to work on making school more enjoyable and less scary so that she feels up to taking the hat off herself? Like a PP said, you wouldn't take the glasses off a short-sighted child so why make it harder for a child just because wearing a hat indoors is a bit unusual.

@RangeRider In the rest of my comment I said all of that and said that she should be allowed to keep the hat on, I was just saying that possibly the TA is misapplying what might be generally good advice for someone else with anxiety (rather than being mean or uncaring). When I said coming from the right place I meant like her heart was in the right place, not that it was the right advice.

At 4 none of the other kids will give a toss and will just accept it. I have watched 2, 3 & 4 year old completely ignore the fact a child is using a walking frame or a wheelchair, they simply don't see it in the same way as we as adults do.

Whilst I get in a very small way where the TA is coming from out isn't her call. I would simply tell her that and if she continues then speak to the head and let them deal with it.

Talk to the class teacher and the senior/ht and ask them to ensure the TA leaves your dd alone about the hat. She’ll take it off in her own time. Could a good move be to start transitioning her to a plain one. Just in case this is something she needs for years to come.

Let her wear the hat! It’s a no-brainer. TA doesn’t sound like they’re on-side.

@KMoKMo teachers get a fair amount of training in SN especially those qualifying now. There are so many SN’s in school now. The issue is that there is so many in some schools it can be impossible to follow every child’s IEP.
As a reception child she should just be left alone with her hat but I would be aiming to have it off by the end of reception or at least using the schools hat by that point.

This TA sounds like a knob.
BTDT
I would go to the head of class teacher and ask them to tell her to stop interfering with your agreed adjustment.

Does she have an EHCP? Or in process?
If so get it written in that she is to be allowed to use her comfort objects as she requires them.

The TA is massively over stepping in this case.

Even if the TA is massively more trained than the teacher and HT the way to deal with a child in this scenario is not to unilaterally change what has been decided.

If the TA’s qualifications and experience lead her to think the current strategy is wrong then she needs to speak to the HT, senior and the teacher to change it.

The fact she’s going against what has been agreed on without any discussion suggests she’s not experienced as anyone with experience knows what consistency is the most important thing.

Perhaps the TA has a point, dont write her off. she is one to one with your dd afterall and she has her best interests at heart.

The TA doesn’t get to decide. The school has said it is fine. The senco agrees. Your dd has got a long way to go before children notice these things in a bullying / different way. I would speak to the class teacher and make it clear this must not happen again.

Dosnt sound like this one to one is the best person to be with your dd.she has no right to go above the head

I'd be inclined to ask for a meeting with the teacher and TA and ask the TA to explain her reasons for wanting the hat to go.

You don't need to justify your position - especially as it's been upheld by those in charge.

I worked as an LSA for 5 years. I didn't make any changes to routine without first talking to both parent and child. She's overstepping by doing without consultation.

Gary. I think you’ll find the OP is ‘with her’ daughter a lot more than the TA and ‘has her best interests at heart’.

*The TA is massively over stepping in this case.

Ex Fury has already said what I was going to...

Even if the TA is massively more trained than the teacher and HT the way to deal with a child in this scenario is not to unilaterally change what has been decided. If the TA’s qualifications and experience lead her to think the current strategy is wrong then she needs to speak to the HT, senior and the teacher to change it. The fact she’s going against what has been agreed on without any discussion suggests she’s not experienced as anyone with experience knows what consistency is the most important thing

TA needs her arse kicked; she is almost certainly unqualified with regard to kids with SEN therefore the class teacher and the head should speak firmly to her: she is not to try to take your DD's hat away and if she carries on doing so, she will get a formal warning.

There still are people working in education who think that SEN is naughtiness and it can be punished away.

Dont assume the TA is unqualified and thinks SEN is naughtiness

The TA cannot possibly be highly trained, experienced or knowledgeable in this because if she was she would know that the way to deal with it is absolutely not to take the hat off your daughter resulting in her becoming more withdrawn. You need to have a meeting with the school OP and draw up a proper consistent plan for your DD. And yes, make sure that this goes in her EHCP.