Irritated by baby group chat..

[igot99problems]

I am due to give birth in the new year and am a member of a mums to be Facebook group.

One of the mums just posted the following:

My consultant said today that I need to be eating healthier and doing an hour's exercise a day. Instead I bought a birthday cake to myself as that's what I'm craving and I plan on eating it all to myself 😂

And all the comments that followed cheered her on, laughed and talked about how she should sit on her sofa and eat more. She agreed and was laughing at the consultant in her comments.

I'm honestly astounded...the level of scorn written about this poor unknown consultant who is only trying to give good advice for the health of mother and baby is disgusting. I know that if the consultant didn't show enough interest in this mum's health she would be the first to complain about it. I responded and said that the advice seems fair and she might feel better if she tried to be more active etc. And it hasn't really gone down well...

Not sure if it matters but this mum to be is quite a bit overweight and was before she got pregnant.

AIBU to have felt the need to respond how I have? Does anyone else feel like this attitude is a problem and entitled? I don't know why it irritated me so much, I know that if I had been offered the same advice I would be contemplating how I could alter my lifestyle somehow to at least try to do what is best for me and my unborn child. I felt I needed to stand up for that NHS worker who is probably doing their difficult job very well...

To collude with people when their behaviour is harming their health. Pregnant or not.

Not judging a person is not colluding with someone. It is merely treating them with compassion and recognising their might be complex reasons as to why they do things which harm their health. Demonising a person will not tackle the source of the problem in fact it is more likely to make a person withdraw or rebel in order to cope with the shame.

So is it compassionate for the woman and her unborn baby to have a laugh about her behaviour and minimise it.

No I don’t think so.
There may well be complex reasons why she behaves the way she does. And I do think it is selfish of her to force feed her unborn a full cake.

However by saying that I agree with the consultant is a judgement of her behaviour as a negative one. There’s no getting away from that.
But it can also be balanced with the point her consultant has her best interests at heart.
Unlike the some of the women in this group.
Who are clearly not compassionate at all.
Nothing compassionate about egging someone on who is harming their health.

I guess the comments were lighthearted - she may have felt bad about herself following the advice and was seeking some support. As a consultant I wouldn’t be offended by this at all and with friends I definitely wouldn’t be piling my judgement on - live and let live

And I do think it is selfish of her to force feed her unborn a full cake.

So you'd advocate law which actually restricts what legally available foodstuffs pregnant women are allowed to eat? Because that is the culmination of this kind of thinking. Less bodily autonomy for pregnant women. Are you pro choice? If so, how does that marry up?

Nothing compassionate about egging someone on who is harming their health.

Maybe they recognise it is just a cake and not actual poison to be honest I doubt she really would eat the whole thing. Most people couldn't. I understand the sentiment of feeling like it though.

That’s a bit of a dramatic jump isn’t it cool?
From saying it’s selfish to eat a weeks worth of sugar in one go, to saying that I would advocate a law restricting food to pregnant women.

Lots of things people do in life are selfish. It doesn’t mean I would advocate a law against it.

The choice is hers to make. But just because I happen to agree with her consultant and don’t agree with minimising the potential impact of her choices, doesn’t mean I think it should be illegal.

If an unborn baby could advocate for themself I doubt they would choose being born to an unhealthy, sedentary mother. Likewise a mother who could harm their health in other ways, like smoking or drug use. But a women does have the right to choose and this trumps the foetus’ rights.
It doesnt mean I have to agree with the decision however and opting not to comment or saying I agreed with the consultant is a perfectly valid option and doesn’t make me any less compassionate than anyone else.

People are very quick to complain when they don’t receive the care they need, but don’t always see the link between taking responsibility for themselves and their health.

And I do think it is selfish of her to force feed her unborn a full cake

The baby isn't eating the cake, the mother is. Baby couldn't care less.

You don't know exactly what was said at the consultant appointment, you only have her version of it, and with the greatest of respect to the medical profession - they don't always consider the individual when giving out standardised advice. A consultant told me I should make sure to eat enough at mealtimes even though I had HG and could eat nothing except salt and vinegar crisps slowly sucked into mush and that I should get out for a walk in the fresh air even though the smell of outside made me vomit.

It's up to her whether or not she follows the advice given. Not your body, not your pregnancy, not your business.

People are very quick to complain when they don’t receive the care they need, but don’t always see the link between taking responsibility for themselves and their health.

I could just as easily say people are quick to judge and complain other people's behaviour but don't see the link between that and law making and guidelines governing how 'fit' a person is considered to be allowed make choices over their own health.

If an unborn baby could advocate for themself I doubt they would choose being born to an unhealthy, sedentary mother

I hope no one who is struggling with feelings of inadequacy about being a mother, who is not feeling good enough, who thinks that their baby "deserves better" reads that.

Weight and lifestyle do not mean someone is an unworthy mother.

Basically your antenatal group is there to be a support network. She’s getting her medical advice from the Dr and probably just needed a moan (and in practice may well follow it). No-one is going to want someone from their group to tell them to eat healthier/do more exercise. She was probably already feeling rubbish and you would have rubbed salt in the wound. That doesnt mean you are wrong- you are quite clearly logically right. But you’re going to need to learn better to read the mood of the group if you want to stay friends.

It’s like when you do exams. The unwritten rule is you come out and say how hard it is (even if you found it ok). If someone comes out and says they found it easy, everyone hates them.

xfactor, and remember it is the sort of judgemental rhetoric and infantising pregnant women that has certainly affected the effective availability of elcs.

Maybe she was just joking and isn't having any cake, and plans to adopt a healthier lifestyle for her and her child's sake, but I can't comment on that as she hasn't posted that?

This is a bit of a revolutionary idea I know, but you don't actually have to comment at all. You must have known that your comment wouldn't go down well and wouldn't change her mind, so why say it?

If an unborn baby could advocate for themself I doubt they would choose being born to an unhealthy, sedentary mother

I imagine if my baby had got to choose he'd have picked a millionaire for a mother, but he seems to be alright with settling for the mummy he got - and so will this woman's baby be, I'm sure.

Gosh people really get offended at overweight women not being sorry about their weight don't they? This is misogyny in action people!

And in the nicest possible way babies in utero are like parasites - they take all the goodness from mum. It's not going to come out with 4 eyes just because she had some cake. You worry about your baby let her worry about hers, and can we all agree to stay the fuck away from dictating to women what to do with their bodies?

I agree with you, OP.

Having said that, I'm guessing the fb post may have been a bit lighthearted.

I don't personally know a single overweight mother who hasn't had problems during their pregnancy and/or labour.

I really don't think it'd bother me in the slighteSt! These baby groups are usually just for fun remember rather than medical advise so I'd say YABU to get so bloody worked up over it! I'm sure it'll be light hearted!

I don't personally know a single overweight mother who hasn't had problems during their pregnancy and/or labour.

And I don't personally know any mothers who has their pregnancy and/or delivery go to plan, childbirth is whacky like that.

*who had

This sounds more like the very cringe-inducing 'Go on Hun' type of conversations that happen in those sorts of groups. No need to call social services.

And I don't personally know any mothers who has their pregnancy and/or delivery go to plan, childbirth is whacky like that.

Mine did. I'll sit back and wait for the "woo go you have a medal" response.

My point is, there is a far higher chance of complications during pregnancy if you are overweight than if you are not. Thus, it's not really cool or clever to boast about gorging yourself on junk if you already have a high BMI. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't give two hoots about what people eat, but I bet the woman the OP was talking about would be quick to accept all of the medical advice she can when she ends up needing an emergency c-section due to testimonial diabetes or pre-eclampsia.

Gestational*

You are being a little bit melodramatic. It’s not like she was necking a bottle of wine.

Baby groups are mind numbing and full of people going against medical/ expert opinion. An equal number of people enable them and tell them it’s all fine. It will drive you crazy if you can’t handle the cake comments. Get out now, save your sanity.

And it hasn't really gone down well.

No? really? 😂😂😂

I don't know...an hours exercise when you've not been used to doing much, are obese and pregnant doesn't actually sound very sensible to me, most advice is to carry on doing gentle exercise but not suddenly start doing a lot more than normal? A whole hour every single day is quite daunting and probably unachievable for many so it's human reaction to just laugh it off

My point is, there is a far higher chance of complications during pregnancy if you are overweight than if you are not.

Don't forget that word 'chance'. I was nowhere near overweight but had high blood pressure. Neither was my mother who developed pre eclampsia. We were both at the low end of a healthy BMI. Knowing a few statistics doesn't give you the right to judge other people. Because the statistics don't tell the whole story. Arm chair diagnoses and judgement don't help anyone. It just stigmatises disease. People get sick, we don't need to ascertain how 'guilty' they are before we offer compassion or sympathy. We could just be kind, anyway.

Ok cool.
I will be sure to remember that.
Alongside remembering obesity is one of the biggest costs to the nhs. And when it’s buckling and I can’t get an appointment with my gp or the care I need in a timely manner, I will be so thankful that people have the right to take no responsibility for their health. And yet demand the nhs pick up the bill. Such a privilege.

And I developed significant white coat syndrome which certainly affects my blood pressure. Judgmental looks when it reads high, I can tell you now, really don't help.