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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister used my baby's death as an excuse to not get sacked!

75 replies

RamblingRita · 04/12/2018 13:50

Sister asked me to accompany her as moral support to a disciplinary meeting at her work due to action being taken over her persistent sickness absence. She had a Union rep there as well.

I had lost my baby girl (born at 32 weeks with an abnormality) a few months prior to this. In the time preceding this my sister had not shown any outward indication that this had affected her, she hadn't even hugged me or offered any sympathies really although she did attend the funeral.

Early in the meeting, the Union rep was trying to defend my sisters absence record which was bad going back for much of the 10 years she worked there (civil service). She used to have painful periods so took regular time off each month which I was sympathetic about.

He then stated that my sisters recent absence was due to depression and struggling to cope following the death of MY baby. I was thunderstruck by this as we weren't close and she'd never shown much of an interest in my older daughter.

I was quite angry about as it had been brought up without any forewarning but couldn't say much in the meeting. I asked why she did that afterwards and she said she had been upset.

I told my mother afterwards that I was angry about it and she said that my sister needs her job.

Sister was fired anyway.

She used me didn't she?

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/12/2018 13:53

Wow. She did use you. I'm so sorry, that must be so, so hurtful. And I'm sorry about your baby girl. Flowers

(I'm actually speechless, what a piece of 24 carat cuntfuckery.)

CanSurvive · 04/12/2018 13:54

I’m very sorry about your baby girl OP, what was she called?
Yes your sister did use you, and they wouldn’t have fired her without just cause and a very long process and many chances. I’m so very sorry she did that to you with no warning. So very unfair on you.

Biber · 04/12/2018 13:56

She did indeed use you and your loss in the most exploitative way. It must have been an awful experience for you to have her bring that up out of the blue. I'm so sorry for you loss.

Flowers from another member of the bereaved parents club.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 04/12/2018 13:58

I’m so sorry about your baby girl Flowers

Your sister is heartless. I’m fuming on your behalf. She saw your grief as an opportunity. For her. Does she always get her way? I say that because your mums reaction of excusing her despicable behaviour speaks volumes.

RamblingRita · 04/12/2018 14:03

Her name was Mia CanSurvive. Thank you for asking Flowers.

It was a while ago but was brought to mind recently when I was thinking about my siblings view of me.

I cannot get my head round how she'd ask me to go knowing she'd used my child's death as a 'defence' and that it would be talked about in front of me. There were others she could have asked Hmm.

OP posts:
PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 04/12/2018 14:05

Stunning lack of self-awareness from your sister there.

It’s not unusual for union reps to ask if there have been any extenuating circumstances which may or may not have affected a member’s performance or attendance when it’s reviewed at disciplinary. They’re doing their job by looking for a reason to explain their member’s underperformance.

However, your sister has been very self centred by asking you to attend a meeting knowing full well this was likely to be brought up. I’d also be Hmm of the possibility she asked you to be there so that management felt awkward asking any probing questions around the situation.

Butchyrestingface · 04/12/2018 14:05

Obviously she exploited you. I can see that someone staring down the barrel of a gun might clutch at any straw that floats past to save their own skin, distasteful though it is. She doesn't sound like the type to say to her disciplinary panel "Yes, you're absolutely right. It's a fair cop, guv. I'll be on my way and not cause any hassle leaving the building."

But why she asked you to accompany her is baffling. Couldn't she have asked your mother, who clearly likes defending her? Does your mother always defend her, btw?

DowntonCrabby · 04/12/2018 14:08

FlowersFlowers for you OP, so sorry for your loss of wee Mia.

No advice on what to do with your sis but I think she’s behaved appallingly. It sounds like you’re not currently massively close so it’s hopefully be easy to keep a bit of distance from her for a while.

Have you had councelling? SANDS were fantastic when my best friend lost her baby.
More FlowersFlowersFlowers

ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse · 04/12/2018 14:11

I'm sorry for your loss op. What a dreadful thing for your sister to do Flowers

HumphreyCobblers · 04/12/2018 14:12

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would really struggle to get past your sister's behaviour I am afraid. What an absolutely shitty thing to do to you.

Shepherdspieisminging · 04/12/2018 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brizzledrizzle · 04/12/2018 14:14

Jesus christ. What a bitch. Is she always so heartless and full of me-me-me?

Flowers - a whole shop load. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of Mia.

Wouldyoubelieeeeeeveit · 04/12/2018 14:15

Sorry for your loss op. Sorry to say it does sound like your sister used you, and frankly your mums response was terrible. If your sister needed the job that badly she should have done what she was being paid to do and bloody turn up!

thinkful · 04/12/2018 14:21

Sorry for your loss OP. Mia is a beautiful name.

Your sister is very wrong :(

mostdays · 04/12/2018 14:22

I don't think I'd be able to have a relationship with either of them for quite some time.

I'm so very sorry for your awful loss Flowers.

gamerwidow · 04/12/2018 14:24

It’s bad enough that she used your poor baby’s death as an excuse but to not warn you before hand that this was going to be bought up is inexcusable. You must have been devastated, how awful for her to do that.

Quarky · 04/12/2018 14:25

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your sister is a twat. I'm sorry but she is. If I were you I wouldn't speak to her ever again. Bad enough you lost your precious baby girl, but to have a member of your family USE their death as a way out of trouble....That's just unreal!

missperegrinespeculiar · 04/12/2018 14:28

Gosh, do you think she asked you to be there because she thought it would be more effective to have the mother there, given her defence? if so, it is beyond despicable. She did use you, I am sorry.

So sorry for the loss of your little Mia

PinkHeart5914 · 04/12/2018 14:28

Some people really are low!

She is an adult, she decided to take all this time off and now uses your child as an excuse to save her arse. If she ever bothered going in to work she wouldn’t have to risk losing her job would she??

I had a baby stillborn at 35 weeks and me and my sister would be done for good if she had behaved in this way

diddl · 04/12/2018 14:29

You mum & sister both sound bloody awful.

"She needs her job"

Jesus fuck what a callous pair.

Santasushi · 04/12/2018 14:30

I don’t think I would be able to look at her ever again! And same for your mother if she thinks that it’s acceptable to use your loss in this way.

Mia is a beautiful name. I’m sorry for your loss Rita.

krustykittens · 04/12/2018 14:30

Yes, she used you, in the most horrible way. I agree with a PP, it sounds like your mum enables her behaviour. I am so sorry for the loss of your little Mia. Flowers

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/12/2018 14:31

Your sister's behaviour was shameful. She didn't give a damn how much pain she would cause you - all she wanted to do was keep her job (and have an excuse for further random sickness, which she could continue to blame on your tragic loss.)

To have your beautiful, darling little Mia used like this - as though she was nothing - must have torn the heart out of you.

I couldn't ever talk to my sister again in situation like this - it's beyond callous.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers.

EssentialHummus · 04/12/2018 14:31

That is dreadful OP. I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers.

e1y1 · 04/12/2018 14:32

That is an awful thing to do.

So sorry for you loss Flowers

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